torstai 17. heinäkuuta 2014

Day 603 - SF) Finding fault and responsibility



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I utilize smoking and gaming as a release, and what I use these things as a release from is how I accept and allow myself to see the world, to think about the world and how I accepted and allowed myself to ”twist and turn” according to the world I allow myself to see.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ”approach things from the negative” – that is to say through fear – assuming that thinking about what can go wrong will allow me to avoid these points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in approaching everything like this, I am in fact making my world negative and I am creating a lot for myself to deal with – in other words by thinking about what can go wrong and what I need to do so that things won't go wrong, I will only see obligation that I have to do to ”make things work” and to ”keep myself safe”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my world to find out how it can go wrong – that I've accepted and allowed myself to find fault – to apparently know how to deal, without realizing that with each judgment I create a definition, an opinion or a ”label” with a certain behavior attached to it, and thus, in defining my world I am also defining how I must act towards it (I limit myself).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to opinionate, define and label my world and how I thus have to act without realizing how little I in fact know – for example about another person – and thus, without realizing that in most cases (if I do not practically test to find out if my opinions, definitions and labels are true) I live out a fantasy, a guess.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ”find fault” to know what I must do to avoid mistakes.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid mistakes in the fear of ”not being good enough” and in the fear of being abandoned for it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid mistakes in the fear of ”not being good enough” and in the fear that this will lead to people getting angry at me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is normal that people react to those who make mistakes – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that people react because of their own inner-conflicts – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the reactions of others, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to create a ”strict rule book” that I believe to keep me safe from reactions if I follow it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to bind myself to my ”strict rule book”, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to react to those who don't follow my rules by thinking that they ”get to” act that way because they are lucky and special – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with jealousy instead of looking at how I Am accepting and allowing myself to live my own life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as somehow ”faulty” and ”unwelcome” because I ”had to” live according to a strict rule book while I was getting bullied even though I did this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself, others and my world through ”finding fault” in fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate and distance myself from others in bitterness as a result of my backchat and judgment about how I ”have to” follow strict rules (to keep myself safe and to be accepted) while others ”get to” act however they want to without consequences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that for each ”error” there is a consequence (a punishment, being abandoned and having people react to me and go into conflict with me), and that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to fear ”errors” and to do whatever possible to avoid them instead of simply trying again when I make a mistake.



When and as I see myself going into a desire to play or smoke, I commit myself to have a self-honest look at what is it that I am really feeling (what I want an escape from) and how I've directed myself to get here. I commit myself to map these points out with writing (into the notepad that I am now carrying with me if possible).

When and as I see myself ”finding fault” – judging the situation and those around me to see how ”errors” could occur (or if they apparently have occurred) – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am living out a pattern that I've used to keep myself safe from bullying and reactions of others. I commit myself to realize that this doesn't in fact keep me safe but it keeps me in fear. I commit myself to thereby face and to release that which I fear with SF, I commit myself to release the ”rules” that I've created for myself to avoid my fear with SF and I commit myself to face and to release how I've judged others with SF. I then commit myself to breathe through the experience and to accept and allow myself to live out the situation moment by moment without stressing for how well I execute my own ”rules”. In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to take mistakes as takes to be tried again.

When and as I see myself feeling obligated and stressed, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this might be because of how I've accepted and allowed myself to approch my world lately. I therbey commit myself to face and to release how I've accepted and allowed myself to look at my world with SF, and, I commit myself to face and to release with SF how I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to act when my world is the way I see it to be. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and, once stable, see how I could direct myself to do my daily responsibilities without the stress and obligation by focusing how I am in fact applying myself in the moment. I commit myself to assist and support myself in this process with writing as I assist and support myself to do my stuff while being present, aware, focused and relaxed.

When and as I see myself giving something or someone in my world a label, definitions or an opinion, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that when I do this I will also define who I am in accordance to this. I commit myself to realize that in this I limit myself to that, and thus, I commit myself to open up the label/definition/opinion and to release it with SF. I commit myself to write down these points to map out how I've already opinionated, labeled and defined my world so that I can set myself free one point at a time.

When and as I see myself reacting to myself because I've made a ”mistake”, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I've only done a ”mis-take” which is a take to be taken again. I commit myself to face and to release my reaction, my self-judgment and all other points making this ”mis-take” more than it is to assist and support myself to simply redo the take.  

lauantai 12. heinäkuuta 2014

Day 602 - Honoring myself, honoring my expression, by letting myself express!



When I am with people I often suppress myself by thinking for instance that "I cannot say this because it won't be understood like..." or "I cannot do that because they'll judge me as...". The time I then spend with these people then becomes very unpleasant because I am not allowing myself to do anything that I'd really like to. Acting this way frustrates the shit out of me, and, unfortunately, often times I blame this act of self-suppression on my company: those people are so [add adjective here], I can't do anything with them! 


Beliefs and perceptions:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I cannot say something in company that might upset another -- in this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict, and that, in my fear, I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that often times when someone reacts and gets upset that "is it": the conflict has already started and there is nothing that I can do but to be in conflict. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the social world "creates the rules", and if "it" (social world as other people) choose to get upset and hold on to that there is nothing I can do but to avoid situations where people get upset -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another gets upset, the "game is over" and that I've already created conflict, and that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to put all of my effort into avoiding conflict instead of directing the situation when a conflict seems to arise. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to "keep the situation perfect" -- that is to say to keep people from reacting, keep people from becoming uneasy and keep people from judging me as the result of how the situation goes. 


The blame, judgment and reaction points:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for how I suppress myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others (what is acceptable for me and what is not) and to blame them for when I suppress myself in their company according to this judgment. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to others with fear: fear of conflict, fear of abandonment and fear of loss. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to this fear with a desire: desire to be without conflict with them, a desire to be with them and a desire to experience with them. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to this desire with backchat in which I try to realize what to do in order to get what I want and to avoid what I fear -- in essence asking: who do I need to be so that I could live the life that I want to life?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am giving myself up as an expression when I use that expression to "act out a character" who I'd believe to get the life that I want to live -- in essence the character who fulfills my desires and keeps me safe from my fears. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this fear-desire -approach, that seems so "logical", can be shot to pieces with the question "what if your interpretation of things is wrong?". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that with all the possibility to misunderstand, misinterpret and to lack necessary information, it would be foolish to think that my perception of the world is immediately correct, and thereby it is foolish to take my mind too serious -- and it is especially foolish to use nothing but thought to try and figure things out! 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to mainly utilize thought to figure out how things are and what to do in life. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT utilize life to figure out how things are and what to do in life -- by this I mean to ask instead of guess (she must think that...), to find out instead of believe (yea that's probably how politics work...), to practically test out instead of decide (nah, I wouldn't be good at it anyway...) and to work with what is REALLY HERE instead of working with what I think is here (she is quiet, SHE MUST BE MAAAD!).  


Commitments: 

When and as I see myself suppressing myself in the fear that I could upset someone, I Commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that: 1) when/if a conflict happens, there is a million ways I can direct it to a solution; 2) conflicts, reactions and misunderstandings happen all the time, and thus the important thing is how we direct them and for what reason we instigate them (deliberately hurting someone is unacceptable); and 3) I cannot really know before hand how things will turn out, perhaps even an initial reaction can lead to a good conversation. I thereby commit myself to check myself with self-honesty to see if I am deliberately trying to hurt the other (if yes I stop and if no, and I see that I am in fact clear, I'll continue), I commit myself to release my fear (with SF if needed), I commit myself to breathe through the experience and I commit myself to express myself and to work with the situation as it progresses. 

When and as I see myself judging myself through the eyes of others, and when and as I see myself suppressing myself according to this judgment and/or blaming people around me for how I feel suppressed (usually bored), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in all of this I Am suppressing myself. I commit myself to realize that I suppress myself to keep myself safe: from having to live through conflict, from having people around me react and from appearing foolish to others in a way that will cause judgment and other social consequences. I commit myself to realize that in this I am missing two things: 1) that I might not know for sure how people will react (that my self-judgment through the eyes of others is nothing but a guess); and 2) when/if something I fear happens (such as a conflict with another) there is a million ways to direct the situation into a solution. I commit myself to thereby check what is it that I fear in the situation, I commit myself to release them with SF (as well as the judgment -- or guesswork -- that lead to me to believe that these things might happen), I commit myself to breathe through the experience, to relax and to express myself. 

When and as I find myself from a conflict, I commit myself to carry self-responsibility to not get angry or otherwise reactive myself, AND, I commit myself to try and direct the situation to a solution -- instead of deciding that "game over man, I am now in a conflict". 

I commit myself to talk to people more -- to base my idea of them to what really has happened in real life, instead of basing my ideas on mere guesswork. I also commit myself to let my ideas live according to what happens (in this, if something doesn't go the way I wanted to and I react I will know that I am holding on to my ideas instead of letting them life according to how the real world is going).  

I commit myself to, when facing some perception I have about the world, to re-check that to really see what I have to back that perception up with -- in this, I commit myself to read about my world and to go and see places for myself as much as possible. 

I commit myself to test things out practically and for myself, with understanding that practice takes time, and to then decide whether or not I can do something. 

When and as I see myself trying to find a reason for not going somewhere / not doing something, I commit myself to check myself for fears and to release them with SF. I then commit myself to go and live life and to then decide what is what. 

I commit myself to face my world in humbleness, meaning that it takes time to figure out what the world is and my first impression, idea, perception and/or belief is usually not the right one or the full story.

When and as I perceive and believe someone to be something (sad, happy, angry, troubled, etc..), and when and as I see me suppressing myself because of this (usually through feeling something -- such as awkward, worried, excited etc..), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to refrain from deciding what is going on within my mind without communicating with the person. I thereby commit myself to release all of my fears and other reasons not to communicate, AND TO COMMUNICATE with the person to practically find out what is going on. I commit myself to work with the situation to really find out what is going on and to work with that when I do.  

torstai 3. heinäkuuta 2014

Day 601 - Relationship maintenance – letting go of ”my point of view”



When I am with my partner and I see that something needs to be done – for example the dishes need to be done, we need to leave somewhere or we should make some food – I always follow my observation with an idea of how and when this should be done. If this comes to pass I am happy, if not I usually react in a negative way (very little, though that little can sometimes be "the last drop", so to speak). The interesting thing about life is that nothing ever goes quite how you plan, and thus holding on to my ideas ”too tightly” will cause nothing but trouble.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously think how to do things and how things ”must be” done.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to first think what needs to be done, then to define that and to thereafter react in a negative way if ”my way” is not met and in a positive way if it is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this I make myself react always in accordance to the standards/expectations that I've made about the situation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit how I can work with what is HERE with me by placing standards and expectations on it – in this, I (especially) forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react immediately when something goes wrong, instead of realizing that life is about directing things; it is about living things into completion – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with these reactions from trying many ways to solve / direct a situation.

When and as I see myself going to reaction because something in the real world didn't exactly like I wanted it to, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in this I Am only limiting myself. I commit myself to realize that my choice to react is almost mutually exclusive with adapting to the changing circumstance, and in this, I commit myself to realize that life is very much about adaptation: about working with what is here unconditionally. I commit myself to thereby to release my reaction with SF, to release my standard/expectation with SF, to breathe through the experience and to continue working with what is HERE even though everything didn't go like I wanted it to. In this, I commit myself to grant myself freedom from my own want and to embrace the fact that I will get most out of life if I work with what is here instead of moping over how things aren't.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this ”moping” leads to conflict.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this ”moping” leads to blame, and that this blame leads to backchat that is damaging towards my relationships.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be so arrogant as to react when things don't go my way, and in this reaction think that I can actually say how things – everything around me – should go.

maanantai 30. kesäkuuta 2014

Day 600 - Finding fault & Responsibility



Before writing about gaming, there is a point that I want to have a look at: my relationship to responsibility. I want to do this because feeling overly burdened with responsibility is the most common thing that I ”want a break from” by playing games.

I've noticed that I usually approach things from the negative – by asking what could go wrong? How can I / we be in ”error”?

I've judged the world around me my whole life this way and with each judgment created a new limitation for who I am and what I do. In this I mold behavior, not with personal integrity or understanding, but with fear created by my own judgement.

I had a look to find out why I ”sought fault” so much. I believe that many parents think that they don't want to bother their children with their problems, yet what often ends up happening is that children will then only learn about the problems when the parents can no longer keep them hidden. From this simply forgetting to take out the trash could possible carry ”dire consequences”, and back then I didn't realize that me forgetting the trash was only a trigger that brought to surface that which could no longer be hidden.

Another point that factored in to my relationship with responsibility was the reason for the divorce. This wasn't of course the real reason, but a guess that I pieced together from what I heard my parents talk when they ”could no longer keep shit hidden”. Thus from such an early age I've feared that ”not being good enough” (failing to carry my responsibility or to be in error) can have such dire consequences as loosing someone very close and dear to you, like I apparently did with my father.

In this emotionally unstable environment where forgetting to take out the trash might make a huge suppression to erupt, I tried to rationalize this ”irrationality” and I ended up with the idea that there is a ”rule/role book” that is kinda strict.

When I got to school I soon noticed that others weren't carrying such a ”rule book” like I was. I often wondered why others could ”make all these mistakes” without getting punished or without them ”hurting their loved ones with their errors”. Unfortunately when this came together with being bullied I soon concluded that there was something wrong with me. In this I thought, in a way, that I was condemned into having do more than other to keep what I have.

Finding fault as judgment has been with me for quite a while now, and now that I look back I see that it has pushed me away from other people quite extensively. There is always something wrong and if I choose to react, to ”make stories” about every little error, I will continue to alienate myself even more. The alienation happens when I think it is unfair that others ”don't have to” carry responsibility to avoid errors (since they occur all the time), and this perspective has made me bitter.

Here I really have to look at what I believe and perceive the world to be. In this task, on top of regular JTL writing, I commit myself to carry with me a pen and paper, and to start documenting my judgments, expectations and opinions about the world I live in. I gotta calm down within the realization that a mistake is not the end of the world, but simply a take to be taken again. I must cut others some slack as well, at the very least through taking responsibility for my own judgment and for how I react to it. There is no point in pushing myself with such ruthlessness, and this perspective becomes crystal clear when I think whether or not it would be a good way to support my own children one day – no sir, it is not.


SF & Commits up next.   

tiistai 24. kesäkuuta 2014

Day 599 - Addictions: smoking




In the video above Gabor Mate shares his findings about addiction. Here is a short synopsis, though I recommend looking at the entire video:

When we take cocaine it influences our experience but when we lick a rock it doesn't influence us at all, why is this? It is because there are receptors in our brain which respond to the compounds found in cocaine while remaining un-stimulated by the compounds found on a rock.

When these receptors were studied they were also found to become stimulated by real-life experiences (on top of artificial stimulation of drugs). They were triggered for example by feeling safe, by feeling loved, by feeling that you accomplish and so forth.

When addicts were then studied it was found that a majority of them were deprived of these experiences that many find to be a concrete part of life. Then at some point in their lives when a drug stimulated those receptors that had been ”silent” for so long, the experience was one where they often thought that they had found that which had been missing from their lives – and from the perspective of mere brain chemistry is true.


I realized that I do the exact same thing. I use smoking to calm myself down and I use games to get the experience of achievement, and I've started to do both to compensate for the lack of stability and self-worth that I've experience throughout my life.

Thereby changing these habits is as much about stopping them as it is about learning how to get the experience from life that I've before gotten from my ”substitutes” (gaming and smoking).

This view walks hand in hand with what I've talked with my buddy. He said that in order to walk an addiction I must go back to why I started to do it in the first place – to see what drives me to smoke and game.





I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to calm myself down.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to ”fight off” boredom by having a smoke.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to ”give myself permission” to be somewhere – for example when waiting a bus I would feel awkward to just stand there, unless I had a smoke.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke with others to ”give myself a reason” to talk to them – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I can't really talk to people without a good reason or otherwise I might get rejected.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to ”relax” within activities that would otherwise strain me – for example to get through a day at work – and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT look at how I direct myself within that activity to create the strain that needs to be released with smoking – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I create ”release valves” this way to stabilize my instability, instead of looking and working with my instability directly.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to initiate the ”release valve” of smoking by thinking about smoking each and every time I feel stressed, strained or bored.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on the ”release valve” instead of using my focus to find out why I have stuff to release in the first place – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself into a loop where I don't deal with my problems but I ”fight them off” with smoking and other "release valves" (such as gaming).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel that I have no calm or stability in my life because I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my environment as chaotic and unstable, and because I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself in relation to this judgment: I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I have no choice but to be unstable myself because my environment is unstable*.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the habit of smoking to calm myself down instead of calming myself down.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that "being directed by external things" is just the way to go – that smoking a cigarette will calm me down just like an unstable environment will make me react. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider self-expression that is direct, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to live in a way where I always look to the outside (substances, situations and/or people) to create my experience for me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to crave smoking when I am uneasy, thinking that smoking (and implying thus that only smoking) will ease my experience.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to smoke to bring ”stability” to my experience.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this belief I in fact make my ”stability” dependent on smoking, and in this I do not developed my stability as my own expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to become a person whose ”self-stability” is ”less developed” because I've accepted and allowed myself to ”regulate” my calmness by smoking for quite some time (I started smoking when I was 15 years old).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to demand immediate change when in fact to get where I am today took over 10 years. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my own uneasiness, and that in reaction to my own uneasiness I've accepted and allowed myself to go to a desire to smoke to calm myself down instead of exploring, directing and/or breathing through my uneasiness myself.


I commit myself to change this point and to be patient and understanding in the process. 

When and as I see myself being anxious, and I see myself thinking about having a smoke to ”calm myself down”, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am using all my focus to fantasize about smoking instead of exploring why I am anxious in the first place. I commit myself to realize that smoking will indeed give me a momentary release, but the anxiety will come back unless I sort out this point of anxiety. I commit myself to also realize that if I resort to smoking each and every time I will damage my health on the side when I run away from my problems. I thereby commit myself to explore myself in self-honesty to see, realize and understand why I am anxious in the first place, and, I commit myself to face and to release this point with SF. Through understanding what I am dealing with, I commit myself to assist and support myself to become aware and stop when they occur (facing something I know instead of "just facing something"). I commit myself to face and to release my reactions to this point with SF and to breathe through the experience, and to thus direct myself instead of accepting and allowing smoking to do that for me. In this I, slowly but surely, commit myself to gift myself the ability to direct myself. And to (slowly but surely) break my dependency to smoking.

When and as I see myself being bored, and I see myself thinking about having a smoke to ”give myself something to do”, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that my boredom is created through how I've expressed and/or suppressed myself. I commit myself to realize that if I now smoke I will ”stabilize” my own self-suppression in a way where I'll no longer feel that bad about NOT expressing myself. I commit myself to realize that there is no solution here unless I look at, and take responsibility for, how I express directly. I thereby commit myself to look at how I've directed myself and see if that was actually me or a self-suppression. I commit myself to face and to let go of this point by point, and, I commit myself to breathe through the experience by which I found the self-suppression justified. Then, once stable, I commit myself to move myself in self-expression, and to thus carry responsibility for my own boredom. In this, I commit myself to stop stabilizing my own self-suppression with smoking, and, slowly but surely, to break my dependency on smoking.

When and as I see myself being outside in a public place and I see myself going into an uneasiness about being there (without a reason)  especially if this leads to a desire to have a smoke to ”give myself permission” to do so  I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am not accepting and allowing myself to be where I am at; that I do this myself. I commit myself to check myself with self-honesty to see, realize and understand why this is – facing all the judgments and the expectations that I ”paint” around me with my mind. I then commit myself to release these points with SF and to simply breathe through the experience. I commit myself to continue breathing and to direct myself to simply relax and to be HERE. In this, I commit myself to give myself the permission to be where I am at instead of having a cigarette do this for me. 

When and as I see myself being uneasy with other people – seeking a reason or a permission to be with them – and I see myself going to a desire to have a smoke with them to create ”common ground” on which to be with them, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that it is me who is not accepting and allowing myself to be myself with others (it is me who thinks that this is no enough, appropriate or in accordance to expectation). I thereby commit myself to look at the situation and what I apparently see within it in the form of all possible judgments, rules, norms and expectations that I believe and perceive to limit my behavior (what I have to apparently conform to or be rejected). I commit myself to face and to let go of these points with SF. I commit myself to face and to release my reactions to these assumptions with SF and to breathe through the experience. In this, I commit myself to take back my focus from the expectations I believe and perceive myself to be subject to, and to put that focus back into myself HERE – back into my own self-honest self-expression; into who I am HERE. In this, I commit myself to stop using smoking to do this for me and I commit myself to start carrying the responsibility for allowing myself to relax with others.

When and as I see myself becoming strained by an activity that breeds a desire to smoke to ”calm myself down” or to ”have a break”, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that it is I who is creating this experience of ”being strained” through how I accept and allow myself to direct myself within the activity. I thereby commit myself to check myself with self-honesty to see how I am in fact doing this – everything from how I am breathing to what I am thinking and how I am experiencing myself as a result. I commit myself to face all the structures around me that I use to justify this – for example: of course I have to ”mind myself” at work and with my clients (when in fact this leads to constant tension while leaving other avenues unexplored). I commit myself to face and to release these points, as well as how I react to them, with SF. I then commit myself to breathe through the experience and to realize that I will have to learn how to do this activity as my own self-expression and without straining myself and that every moment is an opportunity to do just this. I commit myself to draw my focus back to the activity and my self-expression with it.  In this I also commit myself to STOP stabilizing things that shouldn't be stable with smoking (such as pushing myself at work in a way that can't last for very long) and to "embark on a journey" to practice and to discover how to be effective without hurting myself in the process.


*: I've written about this point extensively and I can now say that I see what I've reacted to, and that, I understand that I am responsible for my own experience and my environment doesn't influence me without my consent – without me taking the world, as how I believe and perceive to be, into myself to create thoughts, feelings and emotions; just like any belief-system does.



Gaming up next.  

maanantai 23. kesäkuuta 2014

Day 598 - Gratefulness



I got an email from my brother who said that research has shown that focusing on gratitude is very beneficial. I started to think about this and what I found was quite interesting.

First and foremost gratitude itself is very interesting because in order to be grateful for what is around me I have to focus on it. I must in fact get out of my thoughts and to experience the world around me in order to see what is going on, and when I experimented with this focus I realized that the experience was much like back when I used to play outside: each day I stepped out, embraced the world and looked with interest to see what it had to offer me.

Secondly I realized that I've not done this much. I looked back to see what happened that would change this and I realized that computer games and other electronic entertainment has played a big role! What I mean by this is that with the outside world I always had to look at the world for what it had to offer and be grateful for that. Where with games and electronic entertainment I always had a lot to choose from. I didn't have to ”see what the computer had to offer” and to be grateful for that, but I could listen to my own desire and to let it choose from a variety of choice. Here I realized that I was ”spoiled” in a way; I was ungrateful for what the world had to offer being ”spoiled” by the choice within games and electronic entertainment.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to practice ”my choice” in relation to what I desire to experience through electronic entertainment for so long that I've literally not payed attention to the real world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this I am not grateful for the world around me, but I move through it without focus and only focus properly on electronic entertainment (or a few other situations in real life such as a good conversation).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT focus to the world around me because I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is something ”better available” – such as electronic entertainment, ”moments with friends” and good conversations.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in NOT focusing on the world I create myself through the principle of ”you become what you do”, and by accepting and allowing myself to do this – to ”cherry pick” experience and to ignore the rest – I create an experience where I am ”disconnected” from the world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in ”cherry picking” my experiences this way – instead of focusing on what is here around me in gratefulness as a default – I am judging the only existence I have and stating that it is ”not worth my attention”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT focus on the moment that is here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT focus on the world that is HERE thinking that there actually is an alternative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to indulge in electronic entertainment, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to be ”driven by my desire” so much that, I've allowed myself to ”grow bored” of the real world.

I commit myself to dedicate more and more time to the real world, and to have my focus with it in gratefulness to assist and support myself to once more find joy, meaning and purpose to live within and as it.

When and as I move outside or do anything that is not being on the computer, I Commit myself to make sure that I am HERE with what is here. I commit myself to find something in the moment that is here that I am grateful for, and I commit myself to explore with writing those thoughts, feelings and emotions that break my focus.

When and as I see myself being bored or anxious for there being nothing to do, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this can only be if I have something ”better” in mind. I commit myself to face this point and to release it with SF. I commit myself to face and to release my reaction to not getting this ”better than” -activity and to breathe through the experience. I commit myself to thus assist and support myself to bring my focus back here and to practice living with, and accepting, the moment that is here – instead of constantly thinking about what to do, and thus letting my desire direct my focus to targets that are always away from HERE.


I commit myself to practice breathing in the NOW with what is HERE, and to write to assist and support myself to do this.  

keskiviikko 18. kesäkuuta 2014

Day 597 - Why do you hate the world?



I wrote the SFs first and the commits later.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate the world because I accept and allow myself to believe and perceive that the world around me is mostly abuse that comes from negligence or people otherwise not caring.

When and as I see myself going into judgement towards others – thinking that they do not care or they are otherwise negligent or abusive – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I do not see or realize why people act the way they do, in fact, and thus, if I accept and allow myself to judge I will only paint a burdening world around. I commit myself to in such a moment to stop, to breathe and to let the judgment go with SF and to continue participating and directing in the situation as an equal – in this, I Commit myself to stop accepting and allowing my judgments to create an image of who others are and what the world is, and, I commit to stop manifesting my judgments into the real world through acting according to or from my judgments.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world for being negligent – since without this point life could be quite cool for everyone.

When and as I see myself going to anger, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to check myself with self-honesty to see the image that I am reacting to with anger. I commit myself to SF the image and it's relevant implications, and to breathe through the experience of anger. I commit myself to realize that I do not have to accept and allow and emotion, and thus, once stable, I commit myself to look at that which I got angry towards until I see, realize and understand what happened in a way that I am not angry anymore. In this, I commit myself to gift myself freedom from anger and the burdening experiences of frustration, agitation, anxiety and irritation that I feel in relation to accepting and allowing myself to be angry.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be bitter towards the world for the emotional hardship that I've experienced.

When and as I see myself react to something in a negative way but feel that this self-pain is justified, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to check myself with self-honesty to see why this is. If I see that it is because of people who I believe and perceive to have hurt me, I commit myself to realize that I am holding on to bitterness. I commit myself to realize that no matter how I feel, I in fact am holding myself to that experience and nothing more. I commit myself to realize that I am only limiting myself through allowing myself to be in an immobilizing experience that leads nowhere but more of this immobilizing experience. I thereby commit myself to breathe until I can start facing the point. I then commit myself to write or talk about the point. I then commit myself to face it as it is through SF. I then commit myself to assist and support myself to find functional behavior through SCS. I commit myself to do this within the realization and trust that there is no point in submitting to negative emotions, and even if I don't feel like it, I will move through ”the lowest of lows” if I just speak to myself words that seek to solve the problems I have. I commit myself to do this by applying the principle of ”baby steps”: you always see the next step to take, you always see more after each step you take and thus you need not know the entire journey to walk it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my own emotions with the world – and that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify this point with the ”I hate the world for 'making me' react the way I Do”.

When and as I see myself reacting in anyway whatsoever, I commit myself to remind myself that this reaction is temporary and it comes from me. I commit myself to stop all thoughts and simply breathe through the experience. I commit myself to face my reactions with this awareness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is I who stops expressing in the face of what I think the world to be – in this, I accept and allow myself to live out a self-expression of this submission to my idea of the world, and the idea of the world that other people have.

When and as I see myself being bored or agitated because there is nothing to do, or because I crave for to do something that is not here, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to check myself with self-honesty to see, realize and understand what I am in fact requesting myself to do and what are it's consequences. With boredom I commit myself to face how I've lived and stood inside of myself to manifest the experience I have and the situation I am in – I commit myself to start breathing and to take simply take a moment to remind myself that I am ultimately responsible for what I do, no matter how I justify to the contrary. I continue breathing and relaxing for a moment more and I look again at the activity/anxiety within the realization that I create this. I Commit myself to look at what I create and what I'd in fact like to do with the moment that is here. I commit myself to realize that boredom is self-limitation and cravings are addictions that substitute for my lack of self-expression. I commit myself to thereby take being bored or in cravings as a sign to express myself in some other fashion as obviously I've accepted and allowed myself to slack and slouch.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to submit to the expectations I believe and perceive my world to set me – meaning that I ”play a proper me” to everything instead of being myself, without saying that this would necessarily be the opposite of proper – because I fear that if I would express myself in honesty to who I am and how I see (in the moment that is ever-changing) things to be I would be confronted by other people and by ”a variety of means”* I'd be ”forced” back to conformity.

When and as I feel afraid with another person and I feel an want/need/desire to act in a certain way towards them to ”appear a certain way” or to ”keep things pleasant” – anything and everything that requires for me to actively think about the possible wants, needs and desires of the other person – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in this, in effect, I am deciding for the other who they are and already act as if this were true. I thereby commit myself to focus on the fear instead and to breathe through it. I commit myself to stop all thoughts that try to guess what is being thought about me, or the reactions, comparisons, judgments and more reactions that usually ensue. I commit myself to instead live with what is here and to work with what is here focusing on being present and vital through breathing within the realization that whatever might aspire, being here and awake is the best choice.

*I'll expand this in the statements to come:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that it would lead to conflict if I were to be myself, instead of having much of me be a ”reaction” to how I think ”the story” around me goes.

When and as I see myself thinking who I need to be with others – for any reason whatsoever – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am ”deducting my behavior” from how others appear to me – which is, in essence, always a guess – and I won't thereby be myself as I am what I believe and perceive the people in my guesswork to want from me. I Commit myself to thereby simply breathe through the situation and be present and to work with what is here as it appears – not out of pre-consideration with hidden motives and agendas. I commit myself to find out what it is to live with others through this paradigm first hand by living it out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the conflict will occur as follows: I am different from the norm – say ”of less words” than people usually are – this then leads to self-doubt in others and the act of self-questioning leads to a negative experience; these negative experience have a tendency to become exerted on others through blame, and thus, and because I was the ”source” of the initial reaction in the other, I will be blamed – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that thereby being different will cause conflict.

When and as I see myself judging another to be afraid of me – or to react to how I am – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I am afraid of the fear I perceive and believe to be within others. I commit myself to realize that in all likelihood I placed the fear within the other. I commit myself to realize that if I accept and allow myself to fear the fear of another I will also ”lock in” my perception/belief of what will inevitably happen if the other is afraid of me. I commit myself to thereby realize that if I accept and allow myself to fear the fear of others, I will limit myself through the experience I allow within myself and through how I believe and perceive that the situation ”has to go” since people are afraid within it. I thereby commit myself to face and to release my judgment with SF. I Commit myself to face and to release how I've reacted to my own judgment with SF. I commit myself to breathe through the situation and, once stable, to direct myself within and as breath and in self-honesty. I commit myself to direct myself even if the situation would end up in conflict like I originally feared within the realization that if I face this moment openly, I will see all the ways that I can direct the situation, where if I'd succumb to fear I'd succumb to how I see that the situation ”has to go”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify conformity or – ”common courtesy” – as a norm that has to be upheld in the fear of punishment.

When and as I fear to upset someone and to face the consequences in the form of punishment of some sort, I Commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that if my intention in self-honesty doesn't aim to offend or to start conflict then I have the permission to try and solve any misunderstandings or reactions that might ensue. In this, I commit myself to stop trying to uphold a ”perfect image” where no problems occur and to start dealing with things as they come.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that being different will be punished with judgment (assessment), which acts as a base layout to justify the punishment (mistreatment).

When and as I see myself thinking (and feeling) that I have to act a certain – because I fear that others will be mad at me for ”breaking a norm”, and thus I will have to act a certain way or face punishment – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am the source of this. I realize that in my fear I assume that one mistake, regardless of what happens afterwards or how I do what I do, will lead to conflict. I commit myself to realize that the world isn't so black and white, that if someone were to erupt in such a way from a single mistake it would be because they'd have problems to begin with and a mistake is done I have a billion other opportunities to direct the situation at hand. I thus commit myself to remember that only I bind myself to a certain type of life – be it one of desire or fear – and because I live in a reality with others, I will have to focus first on the practical instead of allowing myself to be directed by fear or desire. I commit myself to SF all fear, to breathe through the experience and to live with the moment and working with what is here within and as the self-trust of breathing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that being different will be punished by negative labeling, and that this is held as a justification for actions against the negatively labeled by the ”good”.

I commit myself to realize that this is a fact of my reality at this stage, and I thereby commit myself to practice becoming aware of what is happening around me socially and to be able to communicate who I really am to others – in this, I commit myself to let my deeds speak for me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that being different will be punished by others ”becoming offended” by the label I've been given by them, that these reactions come to justify actions agains those who are negatively labeled and that this is the norm and what is acceptable, and thus I have to conform or have my environment react to me all the time.

When and as I see myself going into fear of being judged, labeled and thus shunned/abandoned/disliked/attacked/ignored because of the label I've been given, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I ”paint” ”worst case scenarios” into my future in my mind. I commit myself to realize that these scenarios are like ”scripts” that I feel that I ”have to” act out if I perceive and believe that they are becoming true – ”scripts” that I feel that I cannot avoid. I commit myself to thereby realize that this is not true in anyway whatsoever, but I in fact have A LOT of freedom to direct a situation when it is here – even turn a starting conflict into a truce. I thereby commit myself to face and to release my fearful ”worst case scenario” images with SF. I commit myself to face and to release how I've reacted to these self-created images with SF. I Then commit myself to breathe through the experience and to take reality in one moment at a time within the realization that if I walk into the next moment without pre-conceived ideas of ”how it has to go” I am much more free to direct the situation, and myself within the situation. In this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop living out my fears as self-fulfilling prophesies.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict as people deliberately not understanding each other.

When and as I see myself going into fear that a conflict will occur because someone is deliberately acting contrary to what actually happens, contrary to the actual intentions that people have and/or contrary to what has in fact happened, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I am making myself immensely powerless. I commit myself to realize that I in fact have a million ways and opportunities to correct a misunderstanding if it happens, AND, with people who still refuse to see I always have the option to simply walk away. I thereby commit myself to face and to release my fear with SF – fear towards the consequences of the misunderstanding, towards how it will influence my relationship with this person and how it will influence my relationship to other people (fear that the person who misunderstand spreads a rumor about me for example). I commit myself to face and to release how I've judged the other person to ”deliberately” misunderstand me and the options that this apparently leaves open for me. I commit myself to face and to release all resistance I have towards trying to set the misunderstanding straight with SF within the realization that in order to fully utilize these opportunities I must utilize them without reaction. I commit myself to face and to release how I've defined myself according to this person to NOT have walking away open to me as a ”last resort”. I commit myself to face and to release my reactions and to breathe through the experience and, once stable, I commit myself to continue living moment by moment working with what is HERE. In this, I commit myself to stop deciding for others how they will act and molding my own life according to this guesswork – in this, I commit myself to defuse my guesswork and focus on what is actually HERE.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict as one taking deliberate actions (words, thoughts or deeds) to harm another because they see them as somehow ”less than”, ”improper” and/or ”unworthy”.

When and as I see myself judging someone as capable of ”taking action” against someone they've judged as ”less than”, ”improper” and/or ”unworthy” – and when and as I see myself going into fear because of this – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I am deciding this for the other, I am implying that if it is so I am unable to stop it and that such behavior is acceptable in the first place. First and foremost I commit myself to NOT accept and allow such behavior within myself or with others – it is absolutely unacceptable if someone is willing to attack another simply because the other doesn't fit into their definitions of ”worthy,” ”proper” or ”superior”. Secondly I commit myself to face and to release my belief about my own powerlessness in the face of the stubbornness of others with SF**, AND, to face moments of conflict within and as breath to see how many ways I in fact have to direct such situations (in the moment and through time). Thirdly I commit myself to face and to release how I through judgment decide for others how they are and what they are about to do, and in this, I Commit myself to work with what is actually HERE.

**:Do SF on powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate the world for being one where I ”have to be afraid” because I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ”weak” – that is to say that I live in a world where I believe and perceive that the strong will ”inevitably and naturally” abuse the weak, and thus, that the world is one where I am ”locked into” competition where I have to win or be abused***.

***:Here I'll write a post about why I see myself as weak, how I've defined strength and how I've justified both views with how I believe and perceive the world to be.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate other people for ”simply agreeing to this game” – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label others as ”stupid or greedy enough to buy into this” without realizing that when I judge others this way I'll come to fear that others will judge me as fundamentally wrong as well – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my own limitations with how other people are through accepting and allowing myself to hate others.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger or hate towards another, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to check myself with self-honesty to see, realize and understand what I believe and perceive this person's existence to mean in terms of my expression – in other words, I Commit myself to find out how I am willing to limit my own behavior with this person around. I Commit myself to realize that my anger/hatred sprouts from this act of self-limitation. I thereby commit myself to SF how I've accepted and allowed myself to see this person. I commit myself to face how I perceive and believe this to limit me and to release it with SF. I then commit myself to breathe through the experience of anger/hate. Once stable, I commit myself to look at the situation again to see, realize and understand how I can still express myself even though this person exists – and how my initial interpretation of this person was flawed; at the very least through the admission of the fact that I do not know everything about this person OR every possible way our interaction can unfold. In this, I commit myself to practice humility in dropping the notion that I know how things will pan out – and within this, to stop ”quitting before I even start” because of how I believe/perceive things to be, and to work with what is HERE moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that because of this ”universal judgment” people are not people to each other, but they treat each other through their judgments – through images towards which they act, speak or react.

I commit myself to realize that this is in many ways true – people act towards each other according to how they perceive and believe each other to be; not according to who everyone in fact is – yet if I choose to walk around with this belief, I will be one more reason for things to be this way. I thereby commit myself to explore the phenomenon with humility to see, realize and understand how it works and how to work with it and around it – and how to support the situation to change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, judge others through what I see the world to be in general and to try and find a reasoning for what is being done through the judgment of the people who I see around me.

I commit myself to accept the fact that I do not know how people create the world.

I commit myself to explore how people participate in the creation of the world in fact.

When and as I See myself judging others because I perceive and believe the world to be a certain way that I Feel is wrong, I Commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I do not see in fact how the participation of each one creates the world as it is. I Commit myself to realize that my act of judging and blaming others for how the world is tries therefore to shift blame onto others, and NOT to really see, realize and understand what is going on. I Commit myself to realize that I attempt to do this because I am in fact afraid of how the world is today, and I thereby seek an arrangement in which I am powerless instead of seeking a way to in fact change things. I thereby commit myself to face and to release how I am afraid of the world with SF. I commit myself to face and to release how I've judged and blamed others for how the world is with SF within the realization that if I believe these shortsighted judgments to be ”the truth”, I will look no further. I commit myself to face and to release my reactions to my judgments, my blame and my fears with SF, and, I commit myself to breathe through the experience. By stopping this pattern I commit myself to stop creating definitions about the world and others which render me powerless, and to, within this, assist and support myself to move forward with my exploration until I in fact see, realize and understand how the world is constantly being created into what it is today – since only from here I can truly direct things to create lasting change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others with these judgments and my reactions to my judgments in such a way that when I am with others I exist in separation from them – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the social world can't be changed, that is not for me but something to fight against.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make my own existence in the world unpleasant and believe and perceive that the world is unpleasant.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make my existence into a one of solitude: a life built upon studying, gaming and smoking.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this I live a life that will bore my body, and though through entertainment I believe I achieve I am not; in fact I am being passive; void of life as action and movement of the universe.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to make solitude pleasant.

When and as I see myself existing within a world of injustice, ignorance and conflict in anyway whatsoever, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in accepting myself to see the world this way my life will become a reaction to that world. I realize that in this, I will re-create the world as it is. I realize that real change comes when things are in fact lived differently, and in this, all I can do is live differently myself. I thereby commit myself to carry my self-responsibility by facing the world I paint around myself and to realize that this mind-image is not the reality itself, though it might resemble it. I commit myself to defuse my disabling and anger-creating relationship to this image, as well as the image itself, with SF. I commit myself to breathe through my reactions and to see the world here as physical simplicity and my own expression as my own expression. In this, I commit myself to gift myself the power to direct myself.

I commit myself to use the commitment statements that I've written here to breathe through the burden that I've created for myself.

I commit myself to explore my own self-expression without this burden, and to within this realize that I am responsible for my own life through how I express and apply myself.

I commit myself to stop making solitude enjoyable with smoking and gaming****.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play games to gain the artificial experience of leadership and attainment while sitting alone in my room.

I commit myself to see how I can apply what I've learned from games to real life.

I commit myself to stop substituting real life with games****.

****:a topic to write about in itself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to watch documentaries, write and to study instead of sleep, to uphold my self-negligent way of life with the excuse that I have ”important things to do”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to move outside and to eat, drink and sleep properly because of studying – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify smoking with studying thinking that studying is a burden that I'll have to alleviate with smoking.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this I give smoking the right to direct me relaxing – I commit myself to relax myself with breathing instead of by smoking.

I commit myself to realize, and to live out the realization that, I am a physical being, and that, in this, I must carry the responsibility for my physical existence – and regardless of my justification to abdicate my responsibility to do so, I will face the same consequences.

When and as I see myself abdicating my self-responsibility because I have ”something important to do” I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that regardless of my justification and excuse I am subject to the same physical laws and to the same cause and effect. I thereby commit myself to see why I am willing to put responsibilities in front of my physical realities, and to release the points with SF. I then commit myself to breathe through my reactions and to carry my physical responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath because I am afraid of people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather say that I hate the world than to face that I am afraid of it – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this is the reason why I do not express myself, and in my inexpression I live a life in which I am not happy; a life that I have to ”balance” with smoking and gaming.

I commit myself to face the world and to face myself.

I commit myself to take back from the world myself as my self-directive principle.

I commit myself to walk myself out of my anger.


I commit myself to carry my own self-responsibility and to stop justifying my way of anger and neglecting myself with how I perceive and believe the world to be.