tiistai 28. heinäkuuta 2015

Day 649 - my life of blame

I touched an interesting concept in my previous blog: I go into stories where my situation is not my own fault but enforced upon me by those that I blame. The thing behind this point -- what I hide in the blame -- is that I didn't realize my own power and my own responsibility.

Now with the responsibility -- that is to say response-ability or more commonly "power", even though it is not -- the equation of my life looks different. I realize that there is in fact a lot of things that I can do if I see that my life is completely in my hands (by taking into account time -- can't? learn!).

I realize that my life thus far has much been about what I thought I had to do "with the options that I was given" (which was a statement I made without knowing how things work and what I could exactly do). When I look at what has brought me to the actions I've taken there are a lot of fears and constrictions, a lot of "I can't say that" and "I can't do this". It is like a web of rules that I fear to bring conflict into my life if broken.

This has to stop. I have but one life to give and I Don't want to realize on my death bed that no choice that I made was in fact my own. I want to express myself without the fear of who I'll be in the eyes of others. I don't want to succumb to injustice or ignorance because I fear to defend my convictions. I don't want to refrain from understanding my world because I fear that I am not enough to see what is around me. Then and only then will I live the life that is in fact me, not when I am holding back. And I want to find an outcome from this that sees the world as a single community, none of that consumerism-über-individualism bullshit.

I commit myself to live my own life without the limitations briefly described here. I realize that this will be a process since I'll have to face that "web of rules" string by string and to redirect it point by point. I thus commit myself to embrace this journey as an adventure the likes I couldn't even dream myself to have. And I commit myself to realize that it will need humility because it won't be easy...

But I realize that it is the only worth while thing to do.

Day 648 - Defusing some blame

Blaming something or someone is an act where I deny responsibility. Granted sometimes the responsibility isn't entirely mine when things go wrong but if I hold on to that blame I won't look at the situation to see what I could have done differently.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to basically define that there is two types of work: one where you follow orders and one where you give orders.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a job where you take orders to be one where you do not necessarily have to carry  responsibility for the outcome (if the order cannot achieve the desired results, then it is not the fault of the one who carried out the order that the desired end result was not reached).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a job where you give orders to be one where you are responsible to make sure that the order you give will bring about the desired results.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to basically define two ways to solve a problem: 1) trying to prove yourself right; and 2) trying to prove yourself wrong (different from self-doubt and self-judgment).

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a person who solves problems by trying to prove themselves right to be someone who tries to be satisfied with an answer as soon as possible without really putting the answer in the test to make sure that all points are considered.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a person who solves problems by trying to prove themselves wrong as someone who is satisfied with an answer after no questions remain, no matter how big or small.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a person who solves problems by trying to prove themselves wrong as better than those who try to prove themselves right -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT differentiate between the person and the method, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all people in good health are capable of learning each method.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my boss as a person who gives orders and who is thus responsible to make sure that those orders bring about the desired result -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my boss as an inferior person not deserving his position or the rewards that come with it because he utilizes a problem solving method not fitting for his position -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to this by experiencing the situation where I do the job of my boss for me as "unjust", and that through this reaction I accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I succeed in my job and my boss succeeds with it, it will be unjust.

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my boss as irresponsible, short sighted and ignorant because he did not make sure whether or not his orders brought about the desired result -- in this, I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to start blaming my boss for causing harm by being in the wrong position when taking into account his ability -- I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my boss to be well aware of his inability to handle his position and that he does it anyway because of greed -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my boss to deliberately put others in a tough position (due to the low quality of his work) because of greed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my boss as self-centered and greedy because he took so much out of the company without giving back equally.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my boss as incompetent because the company was established wrong (deadlines were given to things that shouldn't have deadlines = the company started to move when only the idea existed without preparing the first actual opportunity to implement that idea first).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my judgement towards my boss because the law defines the position of a CEO as one where there are many things that he/she is responsible for event though he/she wouldn't know about them (incompetence is outlawed).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate my boss for trying to hide his mistakes when I showed them to him because he did no attempt to correct them afterwards, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to define his behavior as deliberate exploitation of others because he did no attempt to fix them.

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to force my boss to change because I wanted the company to work, because I wanted a good pay, because I wanted to do green tech and because I wanted the status that the job brought me -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and change my boss for so long instead of just quit after I saw the situation for what it was.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my boss for the financial situation I got myself in because he tried to hide his actions and what they did to the company.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my boss for the financial situation I got myself in because he did nothing to change after the problems were shown to him.


I commit myself to commit to companies only after I've evaluated the people in charge, the process of the company and the product/result that the company makes. In this I commit myself to carry responsibility for my own future to T instead of blaming others for being in a difficult situation.

When and as I see myself judge the organization I am in to have some flaw that endangers its very existence, I Commit myself to investigate the problem until I find out what it is. I then commit myself to direct the point to the best of my abilities. I commit myself to quit the organization if the problem doesn't resolve within the realization that there is absolutely no reason to waste my time trying to sail with a sinking ship.

When and as I see myself going into backchat that someone/something is causing serious problems in an organization that I am involved in, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and let them go with SF. I commit myself to do this because I realize that the story that I am now starting to tell will not lead to solutions but to reactions. I Commit myself to realize that if I focus on the reactions and stories instead of solutions, I won't look for solutions, I won't try to implement them the same way and I will remain in the organization for longer than is practical. I also commit myself to realize that if I tell these stories, I will accumulate reactions towards the people that I must cooperate with to solve the problems.

torstai 9. heinäkuuta 2015

Day 647 - How do you justify self-abuse and where will that lead you?

I don't think that anyone is willing to endure things in life "for nothing", if they have a choice. We have goals, we get rewards or then we enjoy what our actions make us in the eyes of others. At least this is what happened to me, and I don't think that I am that much different from the rest.

I didn't get too many rewards, but I had goals and I enjoyed showing myself that I could be diligent with my work and my study. Yet, as my exhaustion grew my justifications to keep on going changed.

Slowly I started to place great importance on the future I thought that my work would bring to justify the amount of work that I had to do. I shut my eyes and ears towards the fact that I saw no one else push themselves this hard by feeling special because of what I did in comparison to others. In time this made me loose interest in many things, such as the small things that I used to enjoy with my wife. Ultimately I realized the paths that laid in front of me: either I become a self-righteous bastard who believes in his own superiority to compensate for his self-abuse or I could quit, face my bullshit and to seek for a way of life that isn't in conflict with who I am.

During the time the choice to quit and to slow down was extremely difficult. I mean everywhere I look success and money is presented as the ultimate attainment. I also understood what I needed money for if I ever wanted to do anything in this world. I had great plans for the future and I wasn't about to use my money on myself, but I really wanted to created change.

I didn't want to let any of this go. I wanted to blame those I worked with for making shoddy plans and decisions. But then I was asked "what if you get a son, you keep on doing what you do now, he looks up to you and chooses to follow you?". That's when I stopped. I realized that I didn't want what I went through for anyone, at the very least for my child.

Letting go of my blames and my dreams calls out for very specific SF with real names, and thus I choose not to publish that.

keskiviikko 1. heinäkuuta 2015

Day 646 - Burnout, the moment when you don't see the point to go on

As I've been saying, for the past year (almost) I've had A LOT of stuff going on. At first I thought that I could handle all of that, but it turns out I didn't. I pushed myself too hard and I made that pushing "permanent". What I mean by this is that when you get a job that sort of becomes "permanent" until you quit or loose your job otherwise. I had taken on many responsibilities and thereby they had become "permanent", and this is what started to eat me up: not seeing an end in sight.

So, I sucked up my pride and admitted to myself to that I took too much on my plate. I gradually started to cut down on the things that I had taken up until I was left with school, writing, occasional political practivism and a job that I could comfortably do while in school. Now my outlook on life is completely different. I actually think that I can live up to these challenges without constantly having to give more than I can give (and thus without gradually burning out). The challenges I now face are possible to beat, they lead somewhere and I couldn't feel more motivated!

Changing this point brought about a lot of things to face though. I believed that I really had to put more in than I had to give because I was afraid that without this effort the world would go down the shitter. This made me push myself beyond what I could do and the strain from that made me pissed off at others for not doing the same. I felt that I had to do so much because others weren't doing shit. And while this was true at my previous job (which should have simply lead me to identify the situation sooner and quit), it doesn't hold for the rest of humanity.

On top of this, I had to face the fact that -- put quite frankly -- I believe that the world is run by psychopaths that will rather see the Earth burn than to give up what they have so that all can live a dignified life. They'd rather NOT end war, poverty and hunger and with them all the other derivative social issues than to give up what they considered to be theirs. In this, I saw no other option but to "play their game" better and to leave a legacy behind that in time would "win the war" and even out the resources. What I missed completely was the option of building a world for the children to come. I still bet that many of the leaders of this world are straight bat-shit crazy, but I also realize that the next generation doesn't have to grow up believing the same things and facing the same "realities". Us as the "regular people" have a lot of say in what kind of a world the next generation will grow up in. This comes about through who we as people accept and allow ourselves to be. We must stand as rolemodels of the kind of life and values that we want to see in the world, and that -- lived life -- is something that will "speak to" even the elites.

So this is what I commit myself to focus on first: myself. I want to live the kind of life that, if spread far enough, would in fact make a difference. This doesn't mean excelling at tasks only a handful are able to do, but to excel in things that everyone is able to do: honesty, self-honesty, healthy values, healthy living and doing onto others what I'd have done unto me (realizing equality). These kinds of role models are needed. People who are responsible, yet down to Earth. I cannot "fight" the forces of this world, but I can live my life and encourage the next generation to do things differently.

All of this seems possible. Still hard work, but it won't kill me (like pushing myself too hard for too long will). This "calming down" and slowing down is what solved my burn out. I now have challenges in front of me that are possible AND they will lead somewhere! In time all of this will expand and develop of course, but this is a good start.

tiistai 23. kesäkuuta 2015

Day 645 - Back to writing

Life is complex. This doesn't mean that some things are only for the "intelligent", but that a lot of things happen. Some of these things are physical and the same for us all, other things are psychological or social which vary from person to person. Everyone can follow up with physical consequences if they take a moment to look at what is going on (yes, this doesn't happen automatically). Social and psychological things might require investigation and conversation on top of this, and everyone is capable of this as well.

Writing is an excellent tool to make sense of everything that is going on. Talking is another great tool while thought can easily run in circles (take the saying "left alone with his thoughts for too long"). Writing poses the risk of self-deceit when I try to make sense of it all, and talking poses the risk of others being deceitful ("giving bad advice") on top of the risk of self-deceit. In this I choose to talk as well as to write, but I have to realize that even with the best of advice I'll have to do all the work myself. I also realize that people forget easily and fall back into old patterns, and thus to help myself remember (change for real) I'll put emphasis on writing again. I've noticed that without a way to make sense of the world, interpretations start to pile up and my life becomes increasingly... well... this time it became increasingly uncertain and stressful.

So, I learned the hard way that ignorance is not bliss but it leads to trouble.

I commit myself to start writing again.

I commit myself to just write about the issues at hand without forcing myself into a certain expectation of it (as this has created a lot of resistance towards writing in the past).

I commit myself to use writing as my way to make sense of myself and my life, and to thus only hold myself as the "measure of excellence" when doing so; I commit myself to look for real-life practical consequences of assisting and supporting myself into awareness of myself and my world, and I commit myself to stop taking this process of writing like I'd take my school essays (trying to please someone else).


lauantai 20. kesäkuuta 2015

Day 644 - Fall, get up and try something new

Some time ago I read a book about how a person's psyche matures. It said that, especially with men, people go through a "hero phase" where they "try out their wings". Inevitably the hero has to die as the person faces his/her limitations. Limitations such as fatigue and the fact that we only have 24 hours in a day.

I didn't know what this meant and, of course, in my arrogance I swore that this would never happen to me. The start of this year has taught me otherwise.

At the end of last year (2014) I got a new job and a new place of study. When I took on these challenges they didn't seem like a big deal, but they were. The time and effort they consumed was much more than I had anticipated. I also found out that there is such a thing as "combat fatigue".

So, eventually and inevitably I burned out. In a nutshell I burned out because I put all my time into study and work. This is possible but only if a person takes his job/study as one takes his leisure, I didn't. I slowly got increasingly exhausted, and with no end or break in sight I started to become increasingly unhappy towards what my life had become. 

School was demanding in itself without having to work while I was at it. What made things even more difficult was that my work isn't really routine. I am doing the routine work besides the people I am responsible for while building the company in terms of strategies and structures. When the summer vacation rolled around and I saw no relief in my schedules, I was done. 

I realize now that I wasn't ready for such a burden of responsibility, and so I've had to give up that which I can to make room for time for myself as well (still holding on to school and work). I realized that the main problem was that I wasn't able to study and do my work as myself. I wasn't able to simply express myself within these activities like I do within my leisure time. Thus, due to the lack of time where I am in fact my self and expressing myself, I started to get tired. And, in time, because no moment that I had was really for me, I started to feel that life wasn't for me. 

So what now, where do I go from here?

Well, I've rested and I've canceled plans and given up positions to have time to do work and study while leaving time for myself. The hero of my story died, and now I have to find out what I can in fact give without ripping myself apart.

sunnuntai 5. huhtikuuta 2015

Day 643 - Leadership

What needs to happen, who decides that and, most importantly, what is the right course of action when things don't go as planned?

I am a sales coordinator (with a team of 5 and growing) at my job and I play this game called Planetside 2 (leading 12-370 people). Both of these activities have made me think a lot about leadership and how it seems to boil down to three things: 1) making sure that everything gets done; 2) creating a plan by which everything gets done; 3) being the one who adapts when things don't go as planned.

Each of these three points poses a challenge for my personal growth.

The first point (making sure that everything gets done) calls out for me to be active in communication. I have to know what is going on and I must promote a culture that relays all necessary information. ALSO If anyone "drops the ball", I have to be there to pick it up. If someone's responsibility falls on me this way (the guy who is ultimately responsible) I cannot take it personally or otherwise my actions will damage team moral and the self-trust of those that I lead.

The second point (creating a plan by which everything gets done) calls out for thoroughness and attention to detail. I've come to realize that "taking into account all the factors" is not a matter of intelligence, but a matter of diligence, commitment, consistency and patience. Everything I need to know will become visible in time, I just have to keep myself clear and awake enough to see that. The main point that has clouded my judgment thus far is uncertainty that comes up when everything is not clear right away. In this, the best course of action has been humility, patience and calmness.

The third point (being the one who adapts when things don't go as planned) has been the most difficult one for me. When I get invested into a plan, it is easy to react when things don't go my way. It is easy to go into blame towards those who didn't live up to the expectations of the plan, but I've come to realize many times that reactions and blame will make me a bad leader. The ability to let go of my previous plans and to adapt to the changing circumstances has been the biggest lesson I've gone through here. The fascinating thing about this is that most of the role models of leaders that I've had have fallen in this point. They are the ones who get pissed off at employees whose process of learning require flexibility from planners and leaders. A good leader must be able to nurture the growth of others and to create flexibility that allows that to happen.