sunnuntai 13. huhtikuuta 2014

Day 588 - New Job



OK, I got a new job!

Time to check myself for points that I need to work out before I start selling.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my clients won't be interested in me, and that they will thus not listen to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be listened to without defining what I can do to be listened to.

I commit myself to be interested in the people I talk to and take them as other people, and through the principle of ”give as you'd like to receive” I commit myself to see if I can assist myself to be able to talk to people.

I commit myself to talk to my clients without assuming that each ”mistake” will lead to the client reacting and leaving – in this, I commit myself to talk to my clients calm and within and as breath to not live out these reactions that are, at least for me, unpleasant to be around (this might be how I manifest ”not being listened to” myself; by creating a situation that is hard for the client to participate in by being reactive and self-judgmental / judgmental towards myself and the situation).


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not sell enough, I will be fired – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into this fear without realizing that holding on to this fear while trying to do my job will burden me quite extensively as I will judge myself through the eyes of my superiors.


When and as I see myself going into self-judgment of ”making a mistake” or ”not being good enough”, I Commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am simply facing a point that I've not mastered yet. I commit myself to release my reactions with SF and to have a look at the point that I am having problems with to find a solution – with the assistance of my superiors if necessary. I commit myself to take this kind of self-betterment, with or without the initial self-judgment, as an everyday activity. I commit myself to focus on the practical side of mastering a skill – I commit myself to learn by doing.  

Day 587 - Gjeez, AGAIN?!



I was quite disappointed when I lost my job, and thus I am here taking a closer look at why.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in loosing my previous job because I had invested so much hope into that job by backchatting about it that ”this is my chance (to start making money)!”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to imply within this that ”making it” is getting a stable income.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define how ”well” I am ”making it” through how much money I have, and that, in this, I've not looked into my health, social networks or my inner-stability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, within my backchat of ”this is my chance to make it”, start to justify why I should ”succeed” with my job, and that, I accepted and allowed myself to create my disappointment this way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify why I ”should” succeed with this opportunity by thinking that I ”should” because ”my cause” is ”just” (if I'd get money I'd spend it to move things around me forward, not for personal pleasure more than I do now that I am on a small budget).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, within this justification, sort of ”bargain with the world” about why I ”should” ”be able” to succeed, and then that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed – even betrayed – when my hopes didn't come true.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on my disappointment instead of realizing that I got very valuable experience and a good addition to my CV.


When and as I see myself getting disappointed because event didn't turn out a certain way, I Commit myself to stop, to breathe and to check what did I expect to happen. I Commit myself to release these expectations with SF and to face how I reacted when they didn't come true. I commit myself to then release my reactions with SF and to breathe through them. Then, once stable, I Commit myself to look at what to do next instead of focusing on my disappointment.  

Day 586 - Stress about money

The company that I worked for went bankrupt. This left me in quite a bind financially, but luckily I got a new job and I am half a month away from my first pay that will solve my issues. I will be able to pay back what I owe and I will get enough money to live and to start saving a little.

Now, before I got everything back on track I was quite scared about money and bills.

I noticed how this stress made everything harder to do, and when I accepted and allowed myself to think that my situation is hard I also started to feel burdened. I then realized that it is this very burden that then creates a desire to ”relax”. And this activity – being one where I have my entire focus away from reality – makes it harder for me to focus on the tasks at hand.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't have money, and that, I won't thus survive, or ”make it”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that stressing about money won't sort my situation out, and that, stressing about money will making sorting my situation out more difficult.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that ”I won't make it”, instead of moving myself to sort my situation out – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with this fear in the midst of sorting my situation out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel ”dis-empowered” for not having any money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel like ”everything (bills) is standing still” or ”moving very slowly”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression when I do not have money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel that ”I am less” when I don't have money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to state that people don't care about me when I don't have money because I fear that I ”won't make it”, meaning that I won't get the things I need to survive which then implies that no one is willing to give them to me unless I have money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way to survive is money, and that, all alternatives are somehow questionable.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as somehow ”less than” others if I am unable to utilize money for my survival.

When and as I see myself going into stress about not having money, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to do the following: check all my bills, make payment plans (this entails plans for getting money and taking into account how long that takes) for them, call the companies and stick to the plan. I commit myself to release any and all stress during the execution of this plan within the realization that they are only an extra ”burden” – I commit myself to do this with writing, SF and SCS if necessary, and primarily by breathing through the experiences in the moment.


I commit myself to explore survival outside of money to show myself that I can indeed to many things without it.  

Day 585 - The mind is like a machine



I've written about anger again – a point that is reoccurring in my life quite a lot. I had a discussion with a friend about this recurring and here is what I realized:

The mind is like a machine; if I think one way about the world consistently, I will come to experience myself like I'd live within such a world in fact. Thereby walking through points requires two things: 1) for me to find out why I see things like I do; and 2) to in fact change how I live the moments that I've lived through these points.

I then realized that the reason my point of anger has looped so much is either: 1) it is deeply rooted; or 2) I am still lacking in the practical side of things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the ONLY thing that ultimately matters is HOW I live IN FACT.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that, just because I write about who I am and thus gradually come to understand it, writing and understanding alone is enough – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize, or face, who I am in what I actually live out because I accept and allow myself to perceive and believe that I am who I ”meant to be” within what I understood (in the form of ideals for example) instead of looking at what I really live out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that every thought counts and creates, and thus, if I am to direct how I feel I must direct what I think – as well as what I accept and allow myself to physically live out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize to look at what I actually live – to keep my focus on that – but that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at what I think about everything, whether or not it is true.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT focus on the practical believing and perceiving that this will lead somewhere.


I commit myself to focus on the physical and write about what comes up – I commit myself to embark on the journey to live things without the mind, to gain a perspective on what I actually live and how to direct it.  

maanantai 31. maaliskuuta 2014

Day 584 - SF) The seventh point (within my new ”headlocks” I started to compare and become jealous)




SF to THIS POST

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it was I who created the standards for how I ”should” live, that it was I who forced myself to live according to these standards and that it was I who reacted towards myself with self-judgment and self-blame when I ”fell short”, thus making my life very conflicted and draining – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to start dreaming about an ”easier life” instead of actually facing how I am creating my experience.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am looking at the world in a burdening way because of judgment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for ”making me” who I am today – for giving me ”all this” to face now – and that I've accepted and allowed myself to validate my judgment with this point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others who let others down and create further problems for people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others to have it ”easier”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ”play out” ideals of what life should be in my eyes within my head by using others as sort of ”actors”, without realizing that there is so much within such ”simulations” that I just can't know whatever comes out is not the truth but arbitrary.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place my own hopes, dreams and desires into other people's lives (within my mind), and that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe this image even though it is self-created and it holds factors that I could never ever equate correctly – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this way create jealousy towards other people and judgment towards others: by placing my own hopes, dreams and desires into the lives of others, creating expectations and reacting with jealousy, frustration, feeling ”able”, fear, tiredness and/or anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ”tell my story” in such a way ”with the world” that I create jealousy, frustration, feeling ”able”, fear, tiredness and/or anger without realizing that it is me doing these things to myself, all by myself, through who I accept and allow myself to be.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my jealousy by thinking that it is ”unfair” that I have to ”toil” (struggle with money and to do process to get myself together from my past) while others are happy without having to ”toil”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by thinking that others ”have it easier” in the face of the task of ”fixing myself”, to have a justification of ”I had more on my shoulders” if I fail – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear failure instead of living here in the moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is OK to give up under ”unfair” circumstances – that if I thus fail, it will be more acceptable – that if I am a victim, it is OK for me to sometimes even quit and since I quit due to victimhood others who got me there are in a sort of ”debt” towards me and others ”should” help me to get back on my feet.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear failure to such an extent that I've am willing to rely on others this way instead of taking failures faced head on together.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards what I live through comparing myself and my life to what I THINK that other people live (without realizing that here I am looking at my own dreams ”through the lives of others”) – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to chase my self-created ideals and, when things didn't work, to simply go to comparison and jealousy instead of facing how I did things and why it didn't work.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that each time I compared and got jealous towards what I thought others were living, I simultaneously stated that ”I can't do anything for my situation – all I can do is watch how the lives of others work without ”getting some”, and how this is unfair”, in which I made myself ”powerless within an unfair world” – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to other people because I think that they have it ”easier” with ”less effort” and because ”that is unfair”, and that, in this, I accepted and allowed myself to create and to exert my frustration out on others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create anger and frustration, tiredness and fear with my world-view and how I accept and allow my expression to be limited by it.

When and as I see myself feeling that the ”world is too much” and I come up with a desire to escape, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I feel ”burdened” because I choose to focus on the world around me because in my country very little things are IMPOSED on you. I commit myself to thus face how I really feel and to release it point by point with SF, and assist and support myself with writing if I need to. I commit myself to work with the point until I can release it in the moment, and thus, through stopping, gradually show myself a different way to live than my loop of ”being burdened” and escapism.

When and as I see myself being off-put emotionally and I see myself starting to react to another human being, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to face the underlying emotion and why it is in fact there. I commit myself to then realize that this emotion is influencing me and how I see other people. I commit myself to face my experience and to release it point by point, with SF if necessary. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and to accept and allow myself to relax into the moment. I then commit myself to breathe through the situation. I commit myself to do this consistently to show myself what life is without this conflict prone blame-game.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that much of my desires to to for instance smoke or play games comes from how I see the world, since both activities are ”releases” for me from what it is to live my point of view of judgment, comparison and the reactions of frustration, fear, boredom, solitude, depression and anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that smoking and gaming is and has been ”making stable” something that shouldn't have been stable in the first place: a life of judgment and comparison creating reactions of frustration, fear, boredom, solitude, depression and anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that regardless of what my mind is like – or ”where and how I am accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind – is not relevant when it comes to the actual physical freedom of expression that everyone has; I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I have to move myself to live a life that is honest to who I am, instead of ”wating for myself to feel like it” first.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that actually living life through physically ”making myself” do stuff, I will get all the experiences that I am now substituting with smoking and games, but they won't stop until I move myself to live otherwise.

I commit myself to redirect desire to play planetside to moving around in my room – in this, I commit myself to ”open myself up” physically as the spring is progressing.

I commit myself to ”put myself” out there to face what I fear about the world and other people. I commit myself to write about my fears and to push through them within the trust that physical action and honest self-expression that in common sense takes into account the environment and others equally is free to do what is necessary to be done in any given context (and where this doesn't exist, I feel sorry for).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the magnitude of control in this world with sadness, instead of head on, taking the reality as part of my world as it stands now – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide in ignorance that comes when I forget as the result of only focusing on sadness.

I commit myself to face my reactions within the understanding that all of these are created in relation to how I express myself and what I accept and allow within myself – in thus standing up with breathing and stopping to moments of desire to ”escape a rough day” I instead commit myself to slow down to a stability where I am able to continue without being stressed more. I then commit myself to look at how I've lived my day thus far, and to SF and to relax from it. I then commit myself to continue my studies, work or writings, or if I am on a break with movement and breathing.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal of what it would be like to live without fear when I realized that fear is my own self-expression, and not a reaction created by external things which I am hopelessly under – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to henceforth judge myself as ”weak” every time I went into fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to repeat this same pattern with many other points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize when creating my ideals that in order to create change I need to understand what is going on inside of me so that I can stop it and direct myself to live something different.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the positive experience of ”understanding something” and being satisfied with it, instead of taking what I've realized and starting to explore it until I understand it completely and, most importantly, I am able to bring the realization back to practical action.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place value in realization alone without realizing that without practical action knowledge, information and realizations are useless.

When and as I see myself going into the emotion of jealousy, I Commit myself to stop, to breathe and the check myself with brutal self-honesty to see if I am jealous of a picture or what at what is actually going on. In both instances I commit myself to realize that I react to a picture of what is happening that I think about. I thereby commit myself to carry my self-responsibility by letting the image go, breathing through the experience and going about my day without the influence of jealousy. If I cannot let the point go, I commit myself to explore it with writing to then be able to let go what I understand more easily.


When and as I see myself get disappointed in myself (or others), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that what I am disappointed at is me failing to live up to my own self-standard. I thereby commit myself to face my standards with brutal self-honesty to see what they are whilst remembering that if I accept and allow myself to be influenced by disappointment I will ”loose” effectiveness as well, thus making the ”reasons for my disappointment” even bigger. I thereby commit myself to face my disappointment and to release it point by point, with SF if I need to. I Then commit myself to breathe through the experience and to go about my day without the influence of the disappointment – in this, I commit myself to face what I actually can live and what is just standardized fantasy.  

Day 583 - SF) The sixth point (waking up to the reality of myself – creating further self-standards)


SF to THIS POST

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my desires as they've been creating a passive and an unhealthy life-style that doesn't lead anywhere (smoking/gaming) – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my desires will lead me astray: to a life of limitation and insignificance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the physical consequences I think that I've caused to my physical as the result of smoking.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that what I resist persists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be able to get into shape again – in terms of vitality – and that through this I Will get the sick and die.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a conflicted relationship to what I had accepted and allowed myself to live in the past (gaming, smoking & solitude) – I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with a sense of ”I shouldn't be doing this” whenever I engaged in the activities which before I had accepted and allowed to be me, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ”try and solve my situation” with fearful self-judgment over acceptance, facing and practical self-direction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that who I am at this moment is who I am, and the only way to work with it is to face what/who I honestly am so that the actions that I choose to take to create change actually take into consideration each point without excuse or justification – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that fear-driven self-judgment assists and supports any point within creating change.

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live out of fear of ”doing something wrong”.

I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to try and live change by creating ideals of what I would be like when I have changed – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create ideals from where the change wasn't real yet, and thus, that I accepted and allowed myself to create ideals based upon mere guesswork of what change and creating change would be like.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I fell short from my ideals without questioning my ideals or the process of trying to live up to them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to force myself to live up to an ideal instead of supporting myself step by step in the search of change from dysfunction – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think what ”being functional” would be like while being ”dysfunctional” and, without any consideration of how to practically live things into existence, start chasing these ideals and judging and blaming myself if I do not succeed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself and fear that ”I won't make it” (self-judgment and self-victimization) when I fall short from my standards.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that THE ONLY THING that I have to work with is the moment because only that is actually real, AND THUS, my life is, and it will become, what I accept and allow in the moment that is HERE RIGHT NOW.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the ”equation of me” is ”1+1+1+1+1+1+1...=X”, in which each ”1” is the moment that is here (in which I am what I accept and allow), the ”...” is time as it goes by and ”X” is who I am now – I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT thus realize that self-honesty, self-direction and self-responsibility are the defining factors in creating the ”1”s (what I accept and allow in the moment) which ultimately create the ”X” (who I am now – who I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become)*

*:This doesn't mean however that one would be ”condemned” to the ”1s” of ones past, since creating a moment in which I forgive my past, I can assist and support myself towards freedom in my NOW (X).

When and as I see a desire come up, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that if I choose to ”go with it” time from my day will go to that, and since there is only a limited amount of time per day, it is thus not only a time consumption but also time away from other activities. I thereby commit myself to breathe and for a moment let the desire go, and to then look at the desire within the context of how I want to live my day. I commit myself to utilize SF if I am unable to let my desire go for even a moment, and if I simply allow myself to fall I commit myself to write about it. I commit myself to make sure that I understand how desires lead to other desires, and, when ”calculating” my day, to take into account that taking on one desire makes it more likely for me to go for another one. What I is in common sense valid when taking into account all people as equals in how they inhabit Earth, I commit myself to do. I commit myself to continue breathing and continue on with my day with the plan. I commit myself to write about this to assist and support myself to ”stay on course”.

When and as I see myself going into ”my fearful choosing of my course of action” with another person (or other people) – my fear of ”doing something wrong” – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in this I create a relationship of perceived obligation with this person: I think that I have to do something specific – that there is a ”right answer” to this situation – and I perceive that this reality is created by the fact that if I ”answer incorrectly” others will react. I commit myself to realize that this isn't so, that ”breaking of the image” doesn't override the meaning of the true intention behind actions, and thus if I act in self-honestly as myself I'll do the ”right thing”; that is to say, if I relax, I'll do just fine. I thereby commit myself to let face my fear there in the moment and breathe through it – release it with SF if I need to. I then commit myself to breathe myself back HERE and, once stable, to co-exist with others within and as breath. In this, I commit myself to show myself how situations will go if I do this.

When and as I see myself going into judgment towards myself or others for being ”weak”, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this ”hate” is not mine. I commit myself to realize that it is a hate of a person who wasn't in terms with living life and blamed you for creating ”extra challenges”. I commit myself to realize that this view has an oversight: co-operation and co-existence. With these points a ”weak person” is his/her amount more to the collective where each can live in a way that doesn't break them. I commit myself to realize that the point behind my entire division to ”strong” and ”weak” is the fear that I got from living ”under” (to a big degree perceived) ”blame for creating extra package”: that if I show any kind of ”strength” people will start to count on me and I will ”have to” ”carry” others, which is straining and hard – just like I did to this person within how I saw things to be. Within the realization that the division is flawed and my ”dramatic vision” of responsibility, strength and weakness originates from my childhood, I commit myself to let my judgment go. I Commit myself to breathe through my reactions and use SF to release any and all points if necessary. When I am stable HERE, I commit myself to live onward and to look for solutions without comparison and judgment of people according to ”strength” / ”weak”.

I commit myself to do these things to assist and support myself out of my social fears, my judgment and my escapist desires by applying the statements above within the realization that each time I stop, I create a ”+1” that will lead me to an ”X” where I actually live differently from these points.


Day 582 - SF) The fifth point (shutting myself out of the world – becoming the lone wolf)




SF to THIS POST

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ”someone who will miss out on a lot of life” so completely and without question that I started to seek a substitute for the life that I would miss.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize how I limited myself by seeking a substitute, and how within this act I stated that it was the only thing that I could have.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek the experience of ”being good at something” to compensate my fear of being ”faulty” from games.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that playing games – in physical reality – is simply me sitting on my computer and doing nothing else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to buy into the illusion that simply because I am ”ahead” of someone in a scoreboard in a game, I am actually ”better than” someone else and that means that ”I am not the worst”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to buy into the illusion that I am ”doing something with people” when I am playing a game with them over the internet, when in fact we were all only sitting at home alone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify spending my days sitting on a chair with the fact that other people did it too, and that, I called these people ”my friends” that I ”had to” spend time with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to satisfy my ”need” for interaction with people with a virtual reality of a game, and that I thus accepted and allowed myself to ”stabilize for a moment” an existence of solitude that otherwise wouldn't have been stable.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied by the virtual realities of games, and that, within this satisfaction, I accepted and allowed myself to spend much time alone away from the world that I feared, thus not gifting myself any opportunity to see in practical reality how my fears were unfounded.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be ”fooled” by the illusion of drugs where when on drugs I was ”fooled” that the artificial experience was actually real – caused by real things in the physical reality – and that I took that ”good feeling” as a sign that everything was OK when in fact my life was a mess in which I wasn't moving onward at all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I was ”more than” ”normal people” for having had all these ”great” and ”spiritual” experiences with drugs that apparently ”expanded my mind” to understand reality in whole new different levels.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my solitude, gaming addiction and drug use by thinking philosophical and metaphysical topics to make myself ”more deep” or ”more smart” than others, and that, in this, I didn't accept and allow myself to realize that the fact of the matter was that my life was a mess in which I wasn't moving anywhere, and I was just giving this dysfunctional existence ”big justifications” by apparently going over ”fundamental questions” while living it.

Now the Parkour point was actually good in many ways.

Yet,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I am ”more than” others for knowing parkour.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I've managed to get over my fear of people when in fact I just assured myself that I didn't have to care others since ultimately I could always outrun them, and I am smart enough to not even get to a situation where I'd have to run from guns.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I can smoke since I am ”taking care of my health” with sports.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my alternative life-style of pot, parkour and games accompanied by ”deep thinking”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself by placing myself in opposition with the ”norm”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this I simply justified the limitations that I were in because of my past.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a small comfort zone in which I do not have to face my fears, so that I could hold on to the illusion that I am OK and that everything is fice, and that I am ”doing my share”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that what I live and I am OK when what I lived gave me pleasure, the experience of attainment, the experience of belonging and the experience of ”being a somebody” – I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT care about where I got these experiences from or whether or not the sources were real or artificial – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT care whether or not things were real or artificial because I had defined myself as ”unfit”, and thus a person who doesn't choose but gets what he gets.

When and as I start my day, I commit myself to breathe myself here and make the first choice of action and activity – regardless of how small (say, turning on the computer). I thus commit myself to start creating my day as myself HERE.

When and as I see myself drawn towards a choice because of a desire – for example pictures that create desire (for example a moment of success or validation in a game) – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to let go of the pictures, with SF if necessary. I commit myself to breathe through the desire and, once stable, to look at my day again to see what all I could do. I commit myself to use common sense in choosing my activity to assist and support myself to be effective in achieving my goals whilst being kind yet disciplined. I thus commit myself to show who I can be without the cycles of desires that I allow to direct me in the choices I make.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with further writing in these processes.

When and as I see myself separating myself from other people by focusing on our differences – in good or in bad – in anyway whatsoever, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to have a self-honest look at how I am making these comparisons, and what do they in fact and in reality show, expose and imply. I commit myself to write these points open and to thus assist and support myself towards co-existence and out of my mental solitude.


I commit myself to trade time away from games to the outdoors, reading books and meeting people.