Day 355 - Facing my blame towards authority.

I was reading my school books when I stumbled across a few straight out misconceptions. The first was that before organized civilization we lived in a state of anarchism. Bullshit. The term is egalitarianism - a society based upon equality. Another point was that inflation is caused by a nation printing too much money. Bullshit. It can be done so but it has happened like that very rarely. The more common reason for inflation (loss of value of a currency) is due to deliberate manipulation. Money is a commodity such as oil or rice, and thereby its price can be altered through playing around with the rules of supply and demand - as well as rumor. If someone is interested I suggest to investigate what happened in Japan from 1986 to 1991.

I saw myself react to this misinformation with anger because it was being taught to others - that I was "forced" to learn this misinformation or I would be punished (by a low test score).


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my school books contain deliberate misinformation.  

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe my own interpretation that the misinformation was placed in my book deliberately and judge the writer for trying to deliberately mislead me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the misinformation personally this way and leave no room open for the possibility that the person who wrote the book has misunderstood things himself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize how ruthless I was towards the writer of my book when I judged him to be deliberately misleading when there was an error in his writing. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think the reasons for why the writer "must have" placed this "deliberate misinformation" into the book and how it must indoctrinate those who are in the university. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the world around me to be "deliberately evil" and myself in a position that opposes that without realizing that in this I am placing myself in an inferior position in relation to the entire system. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to oppose the system in my ruthless judgments without placing myself into the shoes of others to see, realize and understand that everyone make mistakes and no one is perfect. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by opposing the world around me I am separating myself from others and the world around me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this I push myself into a self-imposed exile from the world around me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the authorities around me because I myself am scared of how broken the world is and within this I blame (in secret) the authorities around me for not moving themselves to do something about it already - so that I wouldn't have to. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my own fear and resistance to make something out of my life - to face the world, to accept it and to carry responsibility for it even though it is what it is. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others because I've not accepted and allowed myself to accept my responsibility for myself, for others, for my society and for my world - that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide behind blaming those I've labeled as "the ones responsible" because within blame I do not have to face who I am and what I do. 


I commit myself to face the misinformation and dysfunction that exists in this world for what it is - I commit myself to NOT accept and allow myself to guess the motives behind the misinformation and dysfunction and I commit myself to NOT accept and allow myself to judge or define anyone according to this guesswork. 

I commit myself to place myself into the shoes of others and to realize that we are all in this together, and thereby I cannot judge or cast blame - and in this I commit myself to realize that all I really have is action.

I commit myself to take part in education and societal discourse to do my part in clearing the misinformation that is deluding society to act the way it does.  

Day 354 - SF) Acting out of Obligation 2: Having no other choice.

Letting go of some of my childhood misconceptions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I was powerless within my situation as a child. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that even though I could not change where I lived, where I went to school or who my friends were I was still free to direct myself and my own experience. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my life is "fixed in place" because I perceived and believed that the people and the circumstances around me created the way I felt, and because I believed and perceived that I could not do anything about the people around me or my circumstances. 

-- I took some SF out from here because it was quite specific and about people I know. In short the SF was about me forgiving myself for how I perceived and believed those people to be according to a few conflict situations, how I blamed my experience on them and how I've held on to this blame to justify my existence as it was within how I felt: passive, depressed and one that sought solitude. I placed some SF below, but I made it very general by referring to specific situations by for example the word "the conflict". Better to do it this way than to just post a post that says "SF done in private" lol --

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the reactions of those closest to me personally when I was a child without realizing to even look at who these people actually were and what they had gone through in their lives.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create ideas, perceptions and beliefs about how I "must act" in order to "keep the peace" from the conflict situations that were around me, instead of looking at the conflicts and realizing that they were "reflections" of conflicts that these people had experienced in their pasts - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to align myself to the dysfunction that was around me instead of seeing that what was around me was dysfunctional - and what was dysfunctional was one and equal with me - and that I thereby didn't seek to understand it and to do whatever I can to assist with it, but I rather aligned myself to it within and as spite. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become dysfunctional because I perceived and believed myself to be mistreated. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue the cycle of dysfunction that was already here when I came out of spite - out of spite for facing dysfunction. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not help another who is in distress by actively showing my empathy by mimicing the emotional state of the other, the other will perceive and believe that I do not care. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being someone who "doesn't care" because I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that someone who "doesn't care" is the lowest, most self-centered scum that can exist, and that such people "deserve" to be treated badly. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I created this perception and belief out of what the conflict situation was made to look like after it was over which was not what actually manifested the conflict. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT seek for the real reasons that were at play when conflicts manifested in my home.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself and my relationships to be influenced by my interpretations of what happened in the conflict situations that I faced without even trying to communicate openly about them. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in this I lived an absolute illusion. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another asks me for help I am obligated to help because if I don't the other will be disappointed and I will be responsible for that disappointment - and thereby the other "has the right" to take out their disappointment onto me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by forging such views from how people around me acted I was extremely ruthless towards them because in this I made myself suffer to spite them for their mistakes instead of cooperating with them to find solutions to the reoccurring conflicts. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself to hurt another. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify hurting myself to hurt another with my experience of powerlessness. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to still carry parts of these patterns with me today. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that ultimately everyone is responsible for what happens within them because I, as others, am the only one who can direct my own experience - even when "another makes me happy" the "happiness" is manifested through how I've forged my own world view. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that how things appear on the surface is not relevant, in that I care if I care, I don't if I don't and how I show it has nothing to do with either one because I am able to care deeply by not showing it like people show it on TV and I can feel like I couldn't care less while moving myself as if I'd care. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the only thing that really matters is what ACTUALLY happens within me (in terms of points such as do I care or not). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is invalid to demand others to act a certain way before I accept and allow myself to be "convinced" that people care about me (for example), because in this I superimpose my own insecurities on others and try to control them by stating that "if you do not act this way, I will be hurt". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather look at how things appear on the surface than to really look at other people and how they express the same things in many different ways. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT enjoy people and their various expressions but define a limited view of the world where "this thing means that thing" and "that thing means this thing" and judge everyone I meet through my world view. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others according to my world view - that I've accepted and allowed myself to wait people to act a certain way towards me to feel liked, respected and/or accepted.

When and as I see myself going into fear that if I do not do something another will get angry at me I stop, I breathe and I realize that this is my pattern of self-obligation that comes from way back. I realize that I can assist and support myself by simply letting the thoughts go, breathing through the experience and allowing the physical reality to prove me wrong. I commit myself to do just this and to not accept and allow myself to be moved by fear. In this, I commit myself to show myself by not acting from the starting point of fear of what others might do if I do not do what I believe to be expected of me that these obligations do not exist "out there" in the world in fact, but that they are my own self-obligations. 

Day 353 - Final stretch before the test

There are a few points that I have to assist and support myself with in order to effectively prepare for the entry exam:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't get in because even though I understand the material I do not remember the exact terms and perspectives they are discussed from. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't get in because even though I remember the specific terms and perspectives I won't remember them when I take the test. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by accepting and allowing thoughts that prophesize my failure. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself to learn the material and to pass the test by accepting and allowing myself to think thoughts that claim that no matter how much I try the test is "more than" I am able to give. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create "the odds" that I am "against" into something that I cannot "beat" by definition. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on scaring myself with not passing the test instead of focusing on myself here and preparing as well as I can. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when thinking about not getting in - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to validate my fear of not getting in by living the mental image of not getting in on an emotional level through frustration. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the fear of not getting in and the frustration that comes with it into a resistance towards studying, and within this start to live out my self-sabotage by rejecting that which I should learn and embrace. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a backdoor for myself by making plans for the situation where I don't get into the university (ok, this is cool but not from the starting point I am doing it). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself resist my study material each time I find something that  is based upon common prejudices or misconceptions. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist my study material each time there is a typo. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist my study material each time the system reveals its unequal and imbalanced nature. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my opinion about what is doesn't change what is - it doesn't change what I have to work with. 


I commit myself to embrace what I've studied and I commit myself to embrace myself as a person who knows this stuff. 

I commit myself to stop resisting the study material and to assist and support myself to trust myself as a person who knows this by going through it one final time with focus, without shortcuts and within and as breath 

I commit myself to carry responsibility for my pattern of self-sabotage by making sure that I study within and as breath and by not accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and frustration about getting in or not within the realization that all I can do is what I can do and if I try to move myself from within fear I will place myself in a adventitious position. 

I commit myself to NOT allow myself to utilize any backdoors of thinking "what would better suite me" and how the material is "flawed", but I commit myself to do my best by focusing on the moment that is here within and as breath while I study - and by taking care of the basics: eating, drinking, sleeping and moving outside. 

Day 352 - Acting out of Obligation 2: Having no other choice.

When I was going through my past to determine why I had the desire to feel special I came across an interesting thing. My desire to be special was in a way a reaction to the way I felt powerless within my circumstances. When I was a child this was to an extent true because I really had to live where I lived, I really had to go to school and to an extent I was thereby limited to the people I met daily within both of these environments.

I thereby perceived and believed that my environment - or "my life" - was "fixed" or "locked in place" and that I had no choice but to adapt to the circumstances I was in or try to escape it (I chose the latter). For example in the case of one unstable individual I came to conclude that whenever she "asked my help" (this was really not the case) in a certain way I had to respond in a certain way or she would get angry at me (or she would, instead of asking my help, take out on me whatever was bothering her). Another example would be that when a bully (such as one of my teachers) approached me at school I had to be compliant or face the consequences. It was from stuff like this that I started to create my sense of obligation - my sense of having to do things in a certain way because I apparently had no other choice.

Nowadays I still carry these ideas, perceptions and beliefs with me. For example when another comes to me in distress I do not help him/her as one and equal to myself - giving as I would like to receive - but I help out of obligation and fear: I fear that if I do not help I will be labeled as a "bad person" who then deserves to be a punching bag for all the negative emotions that linger within the other. I fear immensely to "not live according to the generally accepted script" where people have to care about each other and where they have to show that in a certain way.

What I missed completely back in my childhood when I created this fear (from my misguided initial impressions as I opened up in my previous post) was that in reality I did care even through I didn't show it in the way that those around me expected me to. This means that those around me didn't see me, but that they placed their expectations on me when they reacted to my behavior when it was somehow different. For example in school the way I started to learn for myself was not supported just because it was something else than sitting quietly and hanging on to every word of the teacher - this being something that I felt to be like stating "I know nothing - I move myself to learn nothing - I surrender to you oh mighty teacher to fill me with what is relevant because I as a stupid child cannot know what is real or relevant without guidance". This form of hierarchy sickened me, thus I rebelled and thus I was made into an example to make others fall in line.

As I stand here today none of this is no longer here. I am not hopelessly under an authority that can punish me arbitrarily for being myself - the only authority that can punish me can do so if I commit crimes, but that is not in my expression. I know how reactions within people work and I have the tools to stand calm and stable through all the invalid blame and projection (that I fear to face if I don't "play along" the "generally accepted script" that I've defined myself) without accepting and allowing myself to react to it. Thereby I must let my past ideas, perceptions and beliefs go. They are not real and they were never real even though it was to be expected that I'd believe the authority of another when they were many times bigger than me in physical size alone.


SF & Commits up next.

Day 351 - Why do I need to feel "special"?

In my previous post I started to open up how the standards I place upon myself also work as a justification for me to feel special. Now it is time for me to open up why that is with more detail.

I've looked at my past quite extensively in iProcess and I've realized that somewhere along the line (because of many experiences) I started to believe and perceive that I am not welcome in the world. I never questioned this belief by for example asking the question why the people who bullied me act the way they did. Instead I went like "I am not welcome (said to my own belief and perception)? Well fine! I'll live a life of solitude then!". I accepted and allowed myself to create a belief/perception out of a few (OK much more than just a few, but anyway...) experiences and I henceforth tried to prove to myself that I am not someone who is "abandon-able", that the world made a mistake by abandoning me, without realizing that I was doing this to myself.

I left the "initial insecurity" intact and set off to find reasons why I am "special" or as I thought about it back then: "misunderstood". This point has remained with me to this day within for example how I see myself alone within whatever I do, how I try to excel within everything that I do, how I define myself according to everything that I excel in and how I react each and every time that I don't.


SF done in private because much of it entails specific situations with people who are close to me.


I commit myself to view each situation - especially ones where another hurts me (or I react to another with hurt feelings) - by placing myself into the shoes of others within and as the realization that there is so much that I do not see and that it is thereby unwise and even arrogant to assume that my initial reaction takes the world into consideration EXACTLY the way it is. 

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to create ideas, perceptions and/or beliefs out of blame, bitterness and/or spite - out of my "initial reactions" - because I realize that this will only end up limiting me and my expression. 

I commit myself to carry responsibility for my thoughts that fear being abandoned by stopping them when they arise within and as the realization that this is my past talking and that they are not real unless I believe them and live them out. 

I commit myself to face myself within activities that I am not good at and let others to see me be "not good" - meaning to let other see me practice various things - in order to face and to let go of my self-image of "being able" within and as the realization that I've done this to compensate for how I accepted and allowed myself to see the world and within the realization that it is nothing more than a limitation - and finally within the realization that no one actually expects anything from me but myself. 

Day 350 - Acting out of Obligation

The world is in desolation and I often feel that I must act or everything goes to hell. The world around me is the result of the accumulated consequences of countless generations, and it is true that I must act to avoid what can be avoided. Yet the problem is that by "feeling that I must act or everything goes to hell" I am acting and moving myself out of fear - which is something that holds consequences in itself.

This has gone on long enough and I will now start to open up this fear that I accept and allow to move me, apparently in the name of "greater good". I am not sure what will come up, but I have to start from somewhere...

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I must act for the betterment of the world or otherwise it will be destroyed. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that while it is true that I must move to participate in fixing everything I do not have to do it from the starting point of fear: from within a perception and belief that if I DON'T everything will get fucked - because in this I literally threaten myself to move. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not move myself to fix everything, everything will fall. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am alone in front of this task. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am creating my own experience of loneliness by claiming that "I move alone" - that "I am the only one that moves" - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to uphold my own loneliness to be "special" within it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to threaten myself to move by stating that if I don't everything will get fucked. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am not alone in this, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT accept the fact that all I can do is what I can do by obligating myself to succeed alone over incredible odds or otherwise the world will be destroyed. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to burden myself by believing and perceiving that I am alone and that I have to succeed in what I've set out to do or the world will get fucked.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold such a belief because I am bitter towards the society around me for allowing this to happen and to continue - because I am bitter at the world for being the way it is because that means that I have to move. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be bitter at the world for being fucked because then I have to do stuff to fix it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be bitter at the world for being fucked because of the life that I've had to live within it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to move myself and act for the "greater good" out of spite by believing and perceiving that I am alone, that I do this regardless of what I've lived through and that if I do not succeed the world will get fucked - all of this to get back at the world which I believe and perceive to have robbed me of my self-esteem with its negligence and self-interest by claiming to be "special" through acting alone.

...

That's quite a mind-fuck to face.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for how the world is. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to angry and bitter towards how the world is. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for how the world is. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the world, as it stands today, is the result of the accumulated consequences of many generations - of which I cannot be held personally responsible even though I am responsible to act to avoid what can be avoided. 


I commit myself to assist and support myself to identify, face, let go and to direct all the different ways I've accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my self-imposed loneliness that I've attempted to make myself special with. 

I commit myself to seek groups and group activities to practically live out cooperation and to practically face situations where I might face my beliefs of my self-imposed loneliness that I've attempted to make myself special with. 

I commit myself to face why I require points to make myself "special" in the first place - why I am not enough for myself. 

I commit myself to act from within and as the realization that what I can do is what I can do in each and every moment, and to stop considering my actions from the perspective of the "greater good" as I've done within the context of "threatening myself" to act by stating that if I don't the world will get fucked - in this, I commit myself to develop self-trust within the realization that if I work with what is HERE to the best of my ability it will eventually accumulate - with the combined effort of many others - into a world that is best for all. 

Day 349 - Resisting the unknown, resisting the new

Before I started to study for this year's entry exam I read through the books that were published for the last year's test. I noticed how it was easier for me to study them because they were something I already knew.

On the practical level this lead to me reading them from a more open starting point - this might also have something to do with the fact that I didn't read them with a fear of not understanding; a fear of not getting into the university.

When I read the books more openly my studying was faster and I learned the material with more depth - I realized this when I reached conclusions that I didn't reach the previous year. I noticed that it wasn't as draining to study them as it was the previous year as well.

Time is running out (16 days to go) and I do not have the time to make notes out of every book. Thereby I have to prioritize. I've made audiobooks of the first two books and my notes of them because they are important and normative topics (criminal law and law that is relevant to disputes apartment and real-estate sales). The two other books are more theoretical (law-sociological research and history) and I will utilize this reading method with these books to meet my deadline.


Thereby,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist that which I do not know because I do not know it and thereby I am not "good at it" - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear "not being good" in something because that means that I am "less" if I do it, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather remain within a small comfort zone within which I am "good" in everything that I do (to uphold a self-image of being "able") than to expand to new things because I fear facing myself as "unable". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being "unable" because I fear that that will make my self-image "less" in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I live a self-image within my fear of expanding to new things and having to go through the practice period where I stumble and fall - and that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that within my attempt to make myself "more" as an image I am making myself less in practical reality in refusing to expand and grow. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to remain within my comfort zone so that I am able to hold on to an illusion of being "good" in everything I do. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I create the standard of "being good in everything I do" when in reality this does not exist: if I make a mistake I will simply try again - this affects me only if I accept and allow it to. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist expanding to new things because of a self-image of the mind. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at my study material as if it was something hard and unknown. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT look at my study material as if it was written by another like me: another human being - and as something that I thereby am able to understand and which is inherently familiar to me as the work of another like me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the material that I study in the fear that I won't learn it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't learn what I study. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't get into university. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be "less" if I do not succeed in my studies and that I've accepted and allowed myself to "solve" this "problem" by resisting the study material. 


I commit myself to read my school books from a starting point of oneness and equality. 

I commit myself to stop my resistances towards my study material when and as they arise and to carry responsibility for them by directing myself within and as breath to let them go. I realize that they serve no purpose and are nothing but an instrument of self-sabotage. 

I commit myself to go and do what I feel resistant towards to expand my comfort zone further and I commit myself to not accept and allow to remain stuck within my current comfort zone.