lauantai 28. maaliskuuta 2015

Day 642 - Sense of responsibility



A friend of mine sits at my table and says "oh, no napkins", I remember that I considered taking extras and I say "sorry, I didn't take any for you". I go through these kinds of  moments where I claim responsibility that wasn't in fact mine and I feel sorry for not following through with it. I never stopped to consider what pattern was at play here until I became responsible for other people at work and the "forgotten napkins" turned into goals in turnover.


I opened up this situation with my friend to shed light on the pattern at work:
  • Because of my past, I hold on to this notion that anythings can be a trigger for someone – anything can be "the last drop". 
  • I react to the minor set back with a slight fear that someone will react.
    • I realized that the reason behind the reaction is also the value I put in my friend which in turn created a fear of loosing the relationship if a conflict would ensue.
      • I created the fear of loosing relationships when I was very young and my parents split up.
        • Back then I started this pattern of being on the look out for things that I could do to prevent "damage" from happening to my relationships (I thought that preemptive action was my responsibility or otherwise relationships had the tendency to fall). This is because the divorce came (from my perspective) very suddenly and the reason that was give for it was along the lines of "sometimes people just don't like each other, we weren't enough". 
  • I then quickly check for ways that the situation can end badly. 
  • I then "scan" the situation for things that I could have done differently, and for each point that I find I react as if these points would make whatever is going to happen my fault. 
  • I then react with guilt. 
  • This experience of guilt leads to me either: 1) trying to correct the situation; 2) trying to write the responsibility off on someone else through judgment, assessment of the situation and blame; or 3) I do nothing and go to self-judgment. 
If I fail my attempt to "make the situation right"
I might go through this pattern again.


This pattern is connected to the beliefs I have about situations and people. For instance if a huge biker guy would react to the lack of napkins, I'd probably find it a little funny. Whereas if I'd be babysitting a young kid who got really upset for not having a napkin, I'd probably react with a little guilt, go get the napkins and apologize. No matter how "natural" these reactions seem to be, they highlight a pattern: I assume or write off responsibility (through the way I react and act on that reaction) in accordance to how "strong" or "weak" I see people around me to be. A young child (weak) "has the right" to react for "not knowing any better" and while the reaction is as unjustified as the biker's reaction would be, I fear that making the kid react would be judged as wrong while making a biker react would hold no judgment against me whatsoever. Here each situation, through the people within it, obligate me to act in different ways.

The essence of the weak-strong -based way of viewing responsibility is also at play at my job, but there it gets tangled with more of my perceptions and beliefs. For example I've want to benefit the society around me, and the job that I have now has the potential to fund that within 5 years time. I know that I'll use the money to help people, and thus if I fail at my job I end up feeling like I am letting a lot of people down – damn napkins. This is a great example of how my beliefs and plans get tangled with how I perceive responsibility.

I mean, the problem isn't being responsible itself, but the way I react when I see that something needs to be done. I don't self-express, I move to avoid failure, judgment, conflict or people from getting hurt. This actually brings up an outflow of this point: I carry responsibility out of obligation (because I think that I have to and FOR OTHERS), I thus often (in my frustration / tiredness) blame my self-obligation on others. "If that guy would have, I wouldn't need to!" – this type of blame seems to be so justified when I "tried until I was tired" "for other people", this also gives everything a dramatic flare. But the truth is that I can ALWAYS find things to complain and blame about, but all that they'll do is divert my attention away from how I myself am allowing myself to react and create definitions that isolate me from others.

The way I see it, this point breaks down to the following elements: my perception of responsibility, my perception of how the judgments and reactions of others enforce this idea of responsibility, what I fear others to do if I wouldn't carry my responsibility, how I perceive "weakness" and "strength" to influence responsibility, how I see the world (what needs to be done), how I see others, how I see myself, who I've defined myself to be in the future, how I carry responsibility "for others", how this makes me ignore how I in fact direct myself and how I allow this point to go into blame when I get exhausted. All of these points come together to create quite the stressful way of life. Thus in my next post I'll start untangle this and to assist and support myself to let myself be more relaxed even though there is stuff to do.


What a pattern...

keskiviikko 11. maaliskuuta 2015

Day 641 - Stage fright



I do sales for a living and I've been struggling with stage fright. In one hand I've shown myself how well I can express myself and how well I know our products, but in the other hand I have this fear of freezing in front of a client and loosing the deal. I could say that this fear caters to a more primordial fear of "not being enough" and having to pay for it somehow (like by not getting a sale).


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I have to be ready with my words and any and all hesitation or uncertainty within my expression will be judged by others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that the judgments that other make of me will accumulate into them perceiving and believing that I am something negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am not ready with my words and certain within my expression, others will judge me as untrustworthy and unprofessional.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act from this starting point of fear when I am in a sales situation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I "freeze" when I do something that I fear will make others judge me, and thus, instead of simply picking up where I stumbled I go into the "freezed" experience where I wait for the bad consequences to happen.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I "freeze" "under the pressure" of all the things that I fear to go wrong.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I "freeze" in the face of my own standards.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear this "freezing" without realizing that it is self-created: something under my control.


Now what is this in practicality and how to deal with it?


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider self-confidence through what the word is in Finnish – "määrätietoinen" = aware of quantities – and in this, I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I can find confidence in knowing that what I speak about is true.

I commit myself to thrive to see, realize and understand how things really are so that when I speak I can rest assured that I speak about how things actually are.

I commit myself to find self-confidence in speaking the truth.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to approach people as roles that have to be approached like that role dictates, instead of like a person who is one and equal to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the roles that people play out all require different approaches, instead of considering people as people who all enjoy being listened to, who all enjoy that their concerns are taken seriously, who all enjoy that they are spoken to with the language they can understand and etc.

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate people into roles and to thus face a situation where I cannot apparently know how to act with people.

I commit myself to meet people as people and to receive them as I'd like to be received.

I commit myself to "please" people by being myself honestly to them.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about social situations (such as sales meetings) in advanced.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about how I should express myself from the starting point of the fear that I might express myself in such a way that I won't be received – in this, I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that the situation I am walking into will judge how people express themselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about how I should dress from the starting point of the fear that I might dress in such a way that I won't be received –  in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that the situation I am walking into will judge how people dress.

When and as I see myself thinking about a future situation in such a way that I create standards, expectations and doubts into that future situation, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am in fact doing the most damage by creating these doubts into the future. I commit myself to realize that if I walk into that situation with everything that I've thought about it I will see many ways I can "fail", whereas if I walk into that situation without these thoughts I won't be burdened with seeing many ways to "fail". I thereby commit myself to release these thoughts and to only plan practical things in advance. I Commit myself to let go of these thoughts within the realization that I cannot say how others will react and if I try I'll limit myself into my own guesswork.

This is definitely a start!

sunnuntai 8. maaliskuuta 2015

Day 640 - Stress




I started to redefine strength in my previous post. Here I'll have a look at the origin points for my desire to be "strong" in the conventional sense.

Simply put: my desires and my fears are closely related to the idea I have about how strong I "need to be". I've defined "what I need to be" for instance in my job through where I desire my job to take me. This in turn breeds a fear that I won't get to where I want to be, which starts a process of looking at ways to "make sure" that I get where I desire to go. These plans are made with certain assumptions, expectations and standards. Some stand on practical real-life experience and others stand on nothing but a hunch that I should do more (a manifestation of the starting point of fear that states: what if I won't be enough?). The total end result of all of this, at least for me, is too much effort – thriving for perfection in the fear of loosing what I have.

This breeds stress. More specifically doing more than probably is realistic and doing things with my mind already considering in the next thing are the things that stress me out. These are the result of acting from a starting point that asks "what if I am not enough?". There is no self-trust within this equation.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire that I do well at my job. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my desire of doing my job well with a fear of not being enough at my job.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire that I do well at school. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my desire of doing well at school with a fear of not being enough at school. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to excel at my job because I desire to get money. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my desire to get money with the fear of not being enough at my job and thus not getting any money. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being broke. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to excel at school because I desire to get the authority and the job opportunities that come with the education.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my desire to excel at school with the fear that I won't be enough and that thus many doors will stay closed to me and people won't take me seriously.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to these desires and fears regarding my job and my education with stress that I have to do more to be "enough" – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to state that I am not enough, but I'll constantly have to push myself beyond my boundaries to be "enough".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my stress with the desire I have to attain things and the fear I have of not attaining what I want to attain.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat about what I need to do and how soon from within a starting point of fear that I won't be enough – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create more stress. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that this stress is "natural" with trying to achieve things. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define strength as the ability to push myself and as the ability to withstand stress.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider strength as the ability to do one thing at a time with full concentration, by being with myself HERE and by doing what I do in such a way that it doesn't create stress (without resisting that which I do and without constantly thinking and stressing about what I have to do).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create resistance towards what I do by doing what I do from the starting point of fear (not being enough), and thus defining what I do as something that I HAVE TO DO and as something that I HAVE TO PUSH MYSELF in – and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into an approach towards responsibility and achievement that is not sustainable. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that work that is done with passion will be successful. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I cannot do my work for me and by me (passionately) if I stress while I do it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that stress kills self-expression and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in acting from the starting point of fear (not being enough) and in create stress from this, I in fact limit myself from expressing myself within my work and I make it more likely that I manifest what I fear (failure). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate stress this way and that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my stress with the desire to "take a break" (watch series and play games).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do more than really could in the fear that otherwise I'll fail – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this is not sustainable, and I am thus setting myself up to fail in the future (when I can no longer keep up with the phase that I set for myself).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that all that I can create is that which my expression can create, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that this won't be enough (and that I thus have to constantly push my boundaries).

I commit myself to find out what kind of life I create if I stop pushing myself beyond my boundaries with fear. I commit myself to also see how effective I can become if I do things in self-honesty. In this, I commit myself to create my life into something that is in fact sustainable.



OK! I see some of the pattern here, and thus it is time to put everything into the practical.

When and as I see myself doing one thing and thinking about all the other things that I "have to do", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I do this from a starting point of fear which will create stress. I commit myself to realize that as stress accumulates, it will become increasingly difficult for me to do anything and that this will make me less effective. I commit myself to also realize that in stress I'll become increasingly distracted with the desire to do things that I can do without stress (meaning "fun things" like watching series or playing games) – in this, I commit myself to realize that if I allow myself to act upon desires, I'll get even less done. I thereby commit myself to check how I Am, what I want to do, what I think that I have to do, how I breathe and how I carry myself. I commit myself to release all fear (what I have to do) and desire (what I want to do) with SF and to focus on the task at hand. I commit myself to breathe until I've embraced the task at hand and I can proceed with it without being distracted with other things (like desires to do something else or fearful considerations of what else needs to be done).

I commit myself to apply what I wrote above also when I simply feel distracted with something that I am doing – I commit myself to do one thing at a time until it is done without procrastinating by trying to do everything at once. 

torstai 5. helmikuuta 2015

Day 639 - Redefining strength and power.



Strength and power appear to have, as all the endeavors of humanity, a "noble" reasoning behind them -- if not now, then at some point. What must have started from nothing shorter than the attempt to guarantee the safety of one's own kind has now, eons later, become something far less benevolent and responsible in its consequences. This is why I must re-evaluate my idea of strength and power, no matter how "right" it and "natural" it feels, and no matter what promises of greatness this world provides.





I've looked at this point with my wife whose perspective, as a female, is quite different from mine when it comes to power and strength. Her environment is a "garden of relationships" that need to be nurtured to flourish. This is seeking co-operation and symbiosis over competition and dominance. When I stack these side-by-side I cannot help but wonder which solution would make the "imperium of man" last longer? Yap, cooperation and symbiosis.





I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify power and strength (dominance over others) because people need to be controlled or otherwise we, as species, families, organizations, "won't make it" -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that people need to be controlled "for their own good".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify power and strength (dominance over others) as my responsibility as a man.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus justify hierarchy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept hierarchy and have the desire to climb it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely; that what once started as a noble cause will create instability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider the alternative to power and strength in cooperation and symbiosis -- over competition and dominance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label cooperation and symbiosis as a utopia because even if I'd act this way, others wouldn't.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in this I think that I know all the ways that a world can change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label competition and dominance as "human nature" without actually doing any cross-referencing between cultures.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that much of competition and dominance is created and recreated through upbringing, education, legislation and money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the system can be designed with the interest of all in mind.

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT want to even consider this because it will be an immense journey.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that, in this fear towards the magnitude of world-change, I need not change the world alone -- just my sphere of influence.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to even consider this because I fear that others will abuse me economically if I'd be so "naive".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I don't have to be stupid just because I seek to benefit more people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear finding an alternative to "enlightened self-interest" or "rationalism".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to find an alternative even though the world that "rationalism" built has failed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this is cultural change -- something that we all participate in as we grow into adults and the previous generation passes.


I commit myself to track down what I've defined strength and power to be, to check their starting point and to find alternatives for them if I saw them "short sighted" in the sense as I described above.


keskiviikko 7. tammikuuta 2015

Day 638 - On strength and power

What solutions will last?


Tomorrow I am to meet up with my boss, and under the supervision of the shareholders I am to prove why he is not doing a good job. This is an opportunity to make things run more smoothly and perhaps to get a promotion.

I've been preparing for this meeting for the past few days by gathering information, interviewing people who have made their careers in sales management, reflecting on my own experience as a sales manager and thinking up possible counterarguments my boss might bring up to defend his work and his position.

On the personal level I saw myself approaching the meeting like a boxing match as I prepared to obliterate the guy. It was only after I had a talk with my fiancee that I started to come into my senses. She asked me why go there with a plan that will most likely make an enemy out of this guy instead of just trying to correct the issue. In self-honesty the only answer I was able to give was that I was scared about the meeting and my fighting attitude made me feel strong. I realized that it served no other purpose but to act as a counter to my fear. I also realized that in practicality such an approach will limit me from exploring all solutions at my disposal and it will create more obstacles for me to work with.

From here I started to look at the concept of strength and how I've been thought to go about it. This type of ruthless "strength" that seeks to obliterate my enemies might seem like "more" on the surface than the more tender approach where I try to "garden" my relationship to a solution that is actually beneficial for all. The approach of "taking out my enemies" creates more and more conflict into the world that I and my the generations to come must live in, while the approach of "what is best for all" seems to create more and more stability. If we were to measure strength by continuity the latter approach will win by far, while the more aggressive approach has brought our world on the verge of collapse.


Time to get some humility in what I define as strength.
Time to redefine my idea of strength and to re-evaluate how I do things.
So stay tuned!

tiistai 6. tammikuuta 2015

Day 637 - Little thoughts of resistance




I've noticed another pattern within how I plant out and work through my days.

I usually plan what I have to do when I wake up, and this is precisely where the pattern begins to shape. I might think for instance that today I'll have to do the dishes, study, call a client, arrange a few meetings with clients and so forth. The problem comes from the fact that I do not simply list these tasks within my head, but I end up having small internal conversations about them. With the dishes for example I might have a little conversation with myself about not really wanting to do them which then leads to a few reactions within which this -- the thoughts that I accept and allow -- manifest into an experience of resistance towards the task. Because of this it will be harder for me to do the dishes.

I find it extremely fascinating how much of an effect these small little thoughts can have on how easy or hard it is for me to get through my day (assuming that I really want to stick to the schedule that I've set for myself). I understand that in the culture of the United States there is a proverb "stinking thinking" which I think sort of comes close to pointing out the consequences one's thoughts have on one's reality, but within my culture it is virtually non-existent. But I digress, onto the defuse:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to downplay the effects my thoughts have on how I feel, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to downplay the effect how I feel has on how I am able to do things.

And thus: when and as I see myself going into these internal conversations and the reactions they bring up, I commit myself to stop and to carry responsibility for them (facing them and letting them go with SF) instead of just letting them create reactions and relationships towards the activities that I have to do.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat / have an internal conversation with myself about what to do today.

I mean, that is not the only option out there now is it? I can also simply write a list without any internal conversation about whether or not I should do the things that I know have to do, and thus:

I Commit myself, for the next 21 days, to plan out my day in writing (on post-its as I usually do) and to make sure that I don't go into internal conversations or backchat about how I feel about this particular task. I commit myself to release all backchat and internal conversations right there on the spot if they come up, and through this I commit myself to practically explore how big of an effect they truly have on me.

It also seems to me that the backchat, the internal conversations and my reactions to both are always quite specific, and that I can't thus write something hear to deal with them. This is why I also commit myself to really dig into the thoughts and the reactions with SF when they come up! I want to see what kind of a relationship I create with the activities that I have, what kind of reactions this brings forth and to release these points through self-forgiveness -- right there, as they come up.

torstai 1. tammikuuta 2015

Day 636 - Little breaks of resistance



In a previous post I wrote:
"I also commit myself to really have a look at where my time goes into and, especially, how my time goes to various activities..."


The first point that I identified was that when I do something that takes a while to finish, there is a pattern that'll make me loose efficiency over time -- sometimes even reach a complete halt.

To explain what I am talking about I'll use an example where I've set a goal of 60 pages to study in a single day. The first 20 pages go without interruption and it doesn't take me that long. Then along the next 5 pages I get the first reaction of wanting to do something else, and another reaction for realizing that I still have 40 pages to go. Here I take my first pause in reading as I flick through the pages to see how many pages there are to go IN FACT (and how many pages are pictures, graphs or empty due to a chapter change), and in the process I loose a minute or two. I then continue reading with the impatient desire to finish that I've just created, which in turn creates further reactions. I usually end up reacting to stuff like typos, pieces of information that I find irrelevant to the topic and/or ways of writing that I find inefficient or straight out boring. Here I blame the text for taking so long to get through (and thus for it taking so long for me to get into other activities) and, as a result, my studying becomes even slower. When these reactions accumulate enough, I start to become frustrated and once the frustration has accumulated enough, I start to react differently to the text. I no longer react just a bit, but I might for example set down the book for a moment, sigh and think "oh man, I really don't want to read this shit". This is roughly the point where it becomes next to impossible to study. I still can but I progress very slowly, it's like trying to read something when you are really tired.

The trigger-point of the entire pattern is the desire to do something else. When I do not release this desire, whatever I was initially doing becomes my "2nd option". From here on end I no longer consider the study as the activity that I give my all to (like I did with the first 20 pages).

The second point is physically living out the scenario within the trigger-point (that studying is boring and I'd in fact like to do something else) by physically starting to flick through the pages to make sure that what I have to do is the absolute minimum -- to minimize the time I have to study until I get to do other things. In this I accept the point. I do not stop the trigger, but I start to flick through the pages.

The accumulation cycle comes when I react to the text, and the accumulation of frustration leads to the increasing resistance that leads me to loose efficiency and usually stop all together. I mean when I compare the pages per hour within the first 20 pages and the last 40 pages, the drop in efficiency is a huge one if I allow myself to live this pattern out!


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT carry self-responsibility for this pattern.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that going into a desire to do something else while I am still busy with the task at hand is the trigger-point to the pattern where I'll gradually loose interest and efficiency within the task at hand in the presence of my desire to do other things instead.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop when I first get the desire to do something else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am somehow supporting myself by "promising myself a treat" down the road when the task at hand is done -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am in fact creating resistance towards the task at hand by fantasizing about things that I'd rather do.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in creating a resistance towards what I do by desiring to do something else, I am in fact making it harder for me to finish that which I am doing -- I am making it take longer by focusing on other things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live out this desire to do something else by looking ahead to see how much there is still to go.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus live out the statement that what I Am doing now is boring and I'd much rather do something else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to start blaming the activity for "making me" to do things that I don't want, instead of carrying self-responsibility towards how I approach the activity that I am doing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the activity that I am doing to "find fault" in it to justify the resistance I have towards it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my judgment with a resistance towards doing the activity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the increasing resistance with an increasing frustration -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with frustration for "having to do" an activity that I don't see any point in doing without realizing that the point of "not seeing any point" is the result of my own judgment and fault finding.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the frustration until it becomes big enough for me to stop doing the activity that I am doing, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to use this pattern as an excuse to go do the thing that I really wanted to do.


When and as I am doing something and I see myself going into a desire to do something else, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to let the point of desire go. I commit myself to realize that in order to be effective I must do one thing at a time until it is done. I commit myself to continue doing the activity that I am doing within and as breathing where I focus on nothing else but the activity at hand. I commit myself to do this to practice becoming more effective, gathered and focused.

I commit myself to be and to become more aware of the points within this pattern: 1) getting the desire to do something else; 2) checking how much there is still to go; 3) judging the activity at hand (and finding fault with it); 4) reacting towards the activity at hand because of my judgment with frustration; 5) starting to feel so frustrated that it becomes next to impossible to do the activity that I am doing. I commit myself to stop myself whenever I find myself from any stage of this pattern. I commit myself to let go of the desire to do something else, the judgments, the reactions and/or the frustration with SF and to breathe through the experience until I am stable again -- take a break if I have to -- and to then continue to do the activity at hand by giving it my full focus.