lauantai 25. lokakuuta 2014

Day 628 - From self-obligation to self-standards



I self-obligate myself while pushing myself aside -- I've shown myself the origin of this point in my writings about my childhood -- in this the fulfillment of my obligation is what determines my self-worth. It is from here that I create self-standards that I have to fill and follow in order to matter. If I don't achieve my existence in itself is worthless in my eyes.

This is why I am constantly studying, working or writing (though I've not been writing as of late). Whenever I fall short, even a little bit, I react as if I've failed, as if I am worthless and as if these "signs" predict doom later down the road. To put it in a word: I do not take kindly to my own shortcomings.

Instead of facing this pattern that I live, I blame. When I feel that I've failed, I seek reasons why I couldn't succeed in the first place to make my failure acceptable and justified -- and in the process I also accept and justify the view that what I did was in fact a failure! However, the "trade-off" of this self-imposed ignorance is that I have to go through very intense experiences of frustration, sadness and anger when I view the world around me as one that "didn't give me a shot to begin with" or where "I have to fight tooth and nail for every little thing I get/achieve".

Another unfortunate side effect is that this wrecks my relationships as I blame those in my life or those who brought me up for the challenges and shortcomings that I face today.

After all of this, I've created a world within which to get depressed. And as a result, I start to pile up more shortcomings. And so it loops... until I stop...


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "loose touch" with the realization that my very existence -- my very being -- matters inherently as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget that when I was a child my experience was all that I lived before I decided to "put myself aside" to "help others" (my family).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, from this point on, to define myself according to what I do; initially how well I help those around me (how good I am in helping) and later through how good I am other things such as intelligence, winning in competition and wit.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abandon my very being as the foundation of my existence and as the foundation of my "self-worth", meaning that unless I am good at something I will not feel like my existence has any point or that I have any worth.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become "un-grounded" from my physical existence and being, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to immerse my self-definition into how well I do things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus make myself unstable by making my experience (whether it is good or bad) dependent on how well I perform within the activities that I do -- in that I feel "able" if I do well and I feel "weak" if I don't, or if I haven't done well in a while (for instance by being lazy).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to push myself to perform to feel like my existence matters and for me to feel that I have worth -- in this, I forgive myself, again, that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the foundation of my existence, self-confidence, self-definition and self-worth be within my achievements instead of grounding myself to my very physical existence that is constant, stable and, to an extent, unchanging (compared to my moods created by whether or not I've "succeeded" to live up to my expectations today).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through what I do and achieve by thinking that it is this self-judgment that keeps me effective and active.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is this self-judgment that accumulates to my "lows" and my "crashes" where I feel like I cannot get enough done while there is always more work, and that nothing thus matters.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I matter and that life matters -- that the moment that is here matters and I should focus on living within it in self-honesty to my own form.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that each moment I accept and allow myself to live in separation from myself, I live in such a way that I require confirmation of my own worth from external feedback, validation and achievements because within the very act of abandoning myself, or within the very act of me separating myself from myself I state that my existence doesn't matter enough for me to HERE with it, to be aware of it and for me to live within and as it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "put myself aside" this way, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to seek achievements, feedback and validation to "fill" the "void" that I create within myself this way. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire feedback, validation and/or achievements to "fill" this self-created "void" within myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to judge myself for being unworthy, weak, inferior and insufficient when I haven't gotten validation, feedback or achievements from which to become certain that I am not unworthy, weak, inferior or insufficient. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I feel unworthy, weak, inferior or insufficient, the only way to get out of the experience is to achieve, get feedback or get validation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the directive principle of my experience "out there" into the world in the form of validation, achievement and feedback. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my world/other people for when I feel unworthy, inferior, weak or insufficient for not getting feedback, validation or achievements from the world or other people -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is me who is creating the "void" within me by abandoning myself to live in separation from myself within the moments that are here, and that, it is me who has decided that the only way to "fill" this "void" is to get feedback, validation or achievements from the outside. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "seek proof" that I matter without realizing that it is me who is questioning this in the first place. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in separation from my matter -- my physical and practical existence that is HERE in each and every moment -- and that within this self-created separation I've made it possible to actually think that it is possible that I wouldn't matter. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to other people through how I blame them for how I've made myself feel -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "sacrifice" my relationships to NOT have to face how I've defined myself and how I've created this "void" within myself that I try to fill with achievements, feedback and validation -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge, blame and even abandon people who don't validate me like I'd want to be validate, or in other words: people who show who I am to myself by NOT acting in a way that keeps my internal fears and insecurities "at bay". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into depression by blaming the world and other people for the way I feel -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT accept and allow myself to realize how all of this is in fact in my own hands. 


I commit myself to focus more on myself HERE and to enjoy and to appreciate the fact I exist. 

When and as I see myself going into stress, frustration and/or anxiety about whether or not I am able to "do enough" during the day, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that: 1) I am trying to see everything that I have to do at once and this is why it feels overwhelming; and 2) by definition doing my best is what I have to give so if I give stuff my best I should be fine. I commit myself to check my schedule to make sure that I am being realistic and that it takes into account that I need breaks, rest, refreshment and leisure. I commit myself to face and to SF all self-judgments, self-obligations and self-expectations with SF within the realization that trying to do stuff with this "burden" will make everything I try to do harder. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and go about my day focusing on the moment that is here, myself within it and the task at hand. 

When and as I see myself feeling weak, unworthy, inferior or insufficient, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in separation from myself -- that I've allowed myself to be in my mind in separation from my physical body and the moment that is HERE, and that, it is within this "space", or this "void", that I've grown unsatisfied. I thereby commit myself stop, to breathe and to stabilize myself back here with SF and breathing. 

When and as I see myself going into self-judgment and blame because I feel weak, unworthy, inferior or insufficient, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this is not the solution but stopping my separation is. I Commit myself to face and to release my self-judgment and blame with SF within the realization that if I allow these points I will damage my relationships and I will create a self-definition of being weak, unworthy, inferior and/or insufficient that will then drive me to push myself to succeed to "prove" to myself and others that I am not unworthy, weak, inferior or insufficient. I commit myself to realize that I do this to myself, and I commit myself to carry responsibility for it with SF and by breathing through the experience, and by stabilizing and grounding myself to the moment that is HERE and my physical existence. 

I commit myself to see my reactions towards others as points that are coming up in me -- as gifts that show me the points that I need to sort out to sort myself out.

perjantai 17. lokakuuta 2014

Day 627 - Re-committing to stop smoking


I fell with smoking at the start of this week. This was because I had allowed a lot of things to accumulate and ultimately boil down to a "lashing out" and a conflict -- this is what made the situation seem "too much" and I smoked to comfort myself. I will write about what happened in my next post.
As a result of my fall I talked to Paul and we decided to go for quitting together. We found many great points in the chat we had and I wish to go over them here and now.



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to smoking as a "backdoor" that I can use to calm myself down when things get "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to smoking as this "backdoor" so that I can do something when things get "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, within this relationship to smoking, state that things will get too much.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is such a thing as "things getting too much", and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to define such a moment as one where I (by myself and without the assistance of anything outside of me) cannot do anything about the situation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby believe and perceive that I NEED smoking to stabilize myself WHEN things get "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to smoking because I do not in fact trust myself to be able to calm down without smoking when a situation that is "too much" inevitably comes.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that smoking will calm me down and that it is hard to calm down without smoking when the situation is "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to calm myself down instead of exploring other ways to do that -- such as breathing through experiences, letting go of thoughts or stopping the accumulation of thoughts, feelings and/or emotions BEFORE they get to the point of everything being "too much".


I commit myself to face my own experience as my own experience, without making them "bigger than me" or something that I simply cannot direct or to do anything about. 

I commit myself to face my experiences (from the positive to the overwhelmingly negative) through physical simplicity that I am (for example if I am anxious and the physical manifestation is shallow breathing and tense back and shoulders, I commit myself to start breathing, moving, stretching and massaging myself -- and through assisting my physical through the manifestations of anxiety, I'll assist myself through the anxiety).

When and as I see myself going into an experience that is "too much" -- one that I simply want to escape -- I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in this very resistance I state that I cannot do anything about the experience. I thereby commit myself to do everything in my power (except by having a smoke) from breathing to jumping up and down, from slowing myself down to going out for a walk and from self-forgiveness to talking to myself, so that I can direct myself and my own experience. I commit myself to do this to show myself that it can be done -- that I don't need smoking to regulate myself at such moments. In this, step by step, I commit myself to build up trust in myself as my directive principle and in the fact that no experience is in fact "too much".

When and as I've gone through an experience that was "too much", I commit myself to explore the point with writing to see, realize and understand how I accumulated and manifested that I can carry responsibility for it in the future. 




I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use smoking as a break from whatever it is that I am doing (work, study or having an experience that is "too much").

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use smoking to "take a break" from the experience that I have -- to have that calm experience of having a smoke outside where it is also calm and quiet.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use smoking to "regulate" how I feel, and that, in this, I've accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on smoking to "regulate" how I feel when facing certain experiences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to "regulate" boredom: to have something to do when I have nothing to do and to have an excuse to go outside, away from whatever it is that I am doing and to have a break.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to "regulate" stress: to have a reason to really take a break from everything that is stressing me, to go outside and to just smoke without thinking about anything but just enjoying the scenery.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to "regulate" anxiety: to have a reason to get away from whatever it is that I react to with anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop and to see why I am in the experience that I am in the first place, but that I've simply smoked to "regulate" the experience.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider how I manifest the experiences I have, and that I've just allowed myself to "regulate" myself with smoking instead.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear self-expression -- to fear directing my own experience -- and that I've that accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose all the ways I've "regulated" myself with smoking if I'd quit. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'd loose stability if I'd quit smoking. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'd loose calmness if I'd quit smoking. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to smoking to have a "backdoor" in case "everything fails", and in this, that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT carry my responsibility fully (because deep down I know that if shit hits the fan, I can just "self-medicate").

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in holding on to smoking, I do not see the responsibility for my own life to be fully mine -- because with this "backdoor" I do not have to investigate how I create the experiences I go through (because I can simply self-medicate) and I do not have to actually direct myself in a way that creates a balanced and stable life (because when shit hits the fan I can simply self-medicate).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself to be able to direct myself through this life that I live -- through each obstacle, experience, thought, feeling and emotion -- and that I've thus needed smoking as an external way to "regulate" myself when things get "too much".


When and as I see myself go into boredom/anxiousness/stress that I want to take a break from by having a smoke (regulate my experience), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am in this experience because of how I've accepted and allowed myself to direct myself -- and if I choose to escape this (stabilize this) by having a smoke, I won't face what is actually going on. I commit myself to thereby by desire to smoke (after releasing it) into actually investigating what is going on. In this, with SF, SCS and writing, I commit myself to assist and support myself to actually learn how to direct myself in a way that doesn't lead me to boredom/anxiety/stress. 

I commit myself to carry responsibility for what I experience and go through, instead of escaping these points with smoking -- I commit myself to do this within the realization that for as long as I have the "backdoor" of "smoking myself stable" I won't carry full responsibility for myself. 



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "bargain with myself" so that I could have a smoke when things get "too much" by promising myself that I will not smoke more but only utilize the smoke to calm myself down "this once".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that what I do here is that I "regulate" myself with the smoke so that I can calm myself down "artificially", and, each time I've done this, I've not in fact faced how I made myself experience that things are "too much" -- there hasn't been a need to do so since I am already calm.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "bargain with myself" about smoking that I use to NOT face, and to carry responsibility for, myself = I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "bargain" with myself about whether or not to face and to carry responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself -- as a result of allowing myself to smoke as the result of "bargaining" with myself -- to promise myself to not smoke more in the future.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make such a promise without any understanding of the true relationship I have with smoking (the ability to "regulate" or to calm myself down when things get "too much").

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to quit smoking without sorting out this relationship first -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fall many time "just a little bit" because things got "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make a "big deal" out of smoking within the promise to quit without realizing that in this I'll make the quitting process a "big deal".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the quitting into a "big deal" so that I could justify smoking, "falling only this once", because things are "too much" -- without realizing that this relationship to smoking is what I'd need to sort out instead of making big promises to myself to justify falling.


When and as I see myself go into an internal conversation -- of any kind -- in which I think whether or not I should have a smoke, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that IF I accept and allow myself to "bargain with myself" this way I will end up smoking. I commit myself to realize that ultimately I will allow myself to smoke with a promise that I will "quit after this" (in which I simply make a decision to quit without looking at why I smoke). However I also commit myself to realize that I am "bargaining for" not having to face myself -- to be able to simply push an experience aside with smoking -- and that this relationship of "self-medication" (the fear that I cannot deal with life without smoking) is why I smoke in the first place, and thus, in allowing myself to escape myself to smoking yet again I will support that escapism in me, and thus my habit of smoking. I thereby, within the realization that allowing myself to escape myself into smoking will only strengthen this point, commit myself to walk into the opposite direction and to really have a look at what I am escaping and how I manifested it. I commit myself to assist and support myself to carry responsibility for the points that I find with breathing, SF, SCS and writing; instead of supporting myself further into escapism by allowing myself to smoke. 



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself -- as the result of making these "big promises" to myself as the result of the "self-bargaining" -- to constantly think about smoking by thinking about how I am "in the process of quitting smoking"; that I've accepted and allowed myself to count days and to focus on how my life will change without realizing that in this I am in fact supporting myself to smoke through the principle of "what you resist persists".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that "I've quit smoking".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about how long I've been without a smoke.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is "less severe" to smoke (to postpone my "great journey" of quitting smoking) when just a little time has passed from my decision to quit AND if I just "have one more" before I "quit for real".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is "less severe" to smoke if I've already been without smoking for quite a while because apparently at this point "one smoke won't hurt".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I think about smoking in thinking about quitting in (or how I've quit it), and when I allow myself to think about smoking I will accumulate the desire to smoke -- to have that vital experience once more (vital because of the "last resort stabilization" -relationship I've had with it) -- and the accumulation of this desire will ultimately lead me to smoke (unless I let it go).


When and as I see myself thinking about how I've quit smoking (counting days, "noting the difference" or anything else), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am thinking about smoking by resisting it. I commit myself to realize that this is pretty much the same as thinking directly about smoking, and thus, I Commit myself to stop and to release the thoughts, to breathe through the experience and to continue going about my day. 

When and as I see myself justifying smoking because "I already fell today/yesterday", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this argument is not valid and if I allow this internal conversation I will simply end up smoking. Thus, instead of giving this BS any room, I commit myself to face and to direct the underlying reasons / experiences that I want to escape with smoking in the first place. 

When and as I see myself justifying smoking because "I haven't had one in so long", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that if I allow this internal conversation I will end up smoking. Thus, instead of giving this any room, I commit myself to face and to direct the underlying reasons / experiences that I want to escape with smoking in the first place. 

maanantai 13. lokakuuta 2014

Day 626 - SF on "my sense of obligation"



I've not been writing much recently. This has been because I've been in a "lock" with myself. My life has changed quite a bit with my new job and my new education, and, being "locked" the way I've been, all of this has been a little too much.

Today the SF started to pour out however, so I'll finally do SF on my point of "obligation".

To recap: this was about me being born into conflict-prone circumstances made me decide that I need to do something or else my world will collapse, and how this point evolved since I never let go of it.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, believe and perceive that I will have to do my best or otherwise my home (my world) will destabilize and collapse.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide back then that I HAVE TO help or otherwise I'd be left without support -- that I'd be left homeless and alone even though I am just a child.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to decide back then that what I go through doesn't matter because there are "more important" matters at hand -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I can only be a benefactor if I carry responsibility for myself first -- in this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by deciding to help out at the expense of myself I abandoned myself and made myself act from a starting point that would gradually wear me out.

I forgive myself that I've (to this day) accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself in an attempt to make life better for everyone else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I act from this starting point I abandon myself because of others, and that this, regardless of how "noble" the idea behind it may be, I will ultimately hurt those I try to help because I will wear out because of how I act for them -- and because this will at a "moment of weakness" turn into blame towards others where I feel betrayed by everyone I tried to help for apparently making me feel so worn out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "put myself aside" to help others -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and help others by hurting myself -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place expectations and demands on others about how they should "get themselves together" by breaking down periodically breaking down from helping them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest this periodical breaking down.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest it by helping others from the starting point -- from all those years back -- that if I don't they will collapse and our relationship will collapse; that if I don't carry responsibility for myself and for others, everything will fall.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest it by forcing myself to "be vigilant" for any and all points that may be "wrong" or "dysfunctional" when I am with others, and, whenever I find a point, no matter how small, I feel that I will have to direct it or it won't be directed, it will cause problems and I'll be the one to blame for those problems and consequences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to loop this way: 1) I help others by putting myself "aside"; 2) I wear out; and 3) I lash out to the people I tried to help out that apparently made me worn out.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for "not trying" to justify this loop.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others as "less than" to justify this loop.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as "more than" who is "stuck" in a position where I have to do most of the work because no one else seems to be doing anything to justify this loop.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this world view for years and years where I "have to do" most because no one else is going to carry responsibility anyway, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and frustrated to the extent where I don't even pay attention to what other people do anymore -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to leave my world-view unchallenged by living in my own little depressed bubble.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel such a resistance towards facing this point that I've rather wanted to give up instead.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT want to face myself as an equal to others, even though this would mean that I don't have to do all the work, because I've defined myself as "more than" and "special" through this point -- and because it is pretty much the only point that I have to keep me from feeling insecure -- and thus, in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to give up instead of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this loop isn't about other people but how I am directing myself with other people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is not about other being "less than" me and that being why I have to work all the time, but it is in fact about me placing myself aside for all others to keep my home (world) from collapsing -- it is about me still holding on to this one point from my childhood, but being mesmerized about how I now feel that I need to work for a better tomorrow so that we (humanity) won't bring about the apocalypse with a war, decease, famine or an environmental catastrophe.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to miss the one point that has been relevant in all of this -- hidden under all my self-obligation, judgment and blame -- myself HERE and how I accept and allow myself to be.

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I place myself aside, I am doing an act of negligence and regardless of how "noble" the reason to do so or how "just" the goal I try to achieve with this, I'll still always act from the starting point of negligence and it will rain havoc eventually.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, when I am with others, to constantly be on the lookout for something that might be wrong (someone feeling bad, a potential conflict, misunderstandings, reactions, hurt emotions and the like) because I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my readiness to direct a situation -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to direct situations from this starting point of fear that also states that I "have to" do this because no one else will.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to direct situations from self-obligation (something I "have to do") that wears me out, instead of directing situations as my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "find fault" with others this way to know what I "have to" respond to -- and that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't others will come to blame me for being passive even though I had the ability and the opportunity to do something.


When and as I am with another, I commit myself to stop "finding fault" and just accept and allow myself to be. In this I commit myself to utilize self-forgiveness and breathing to really live through situations where I Am with others but don't "scan" everything so that I can "take charge" whenever ANYTHING requires something to be done. I commit myself to thus also face how I am with others, instead of having all my focus be on the "fault finding". 

When and as I see something that calls for action happen, and I see myself looking at others to see whether or not "I have to again do everything", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I Am living out the "caretaker" -personality that I've accepted and allowed myself to live since childhood: a character who believes that I have to do everything, because no one else will, or otherwise everything will fall apart. I commit myself to realize that doing stuff is part of life, but if I allow myself to act from this starting point I will create conflict with others (for whom I act) and exhaustion to myself (for putting myself aside). I thereby commit myself to let the judgment go and to carry out the responsibility as my own expression. I commit myself to release any points of self-victimization that state that I'd apparently be the only one does these things, and, I also commit myself to release the "self-superiority" point hidden in this (I am apparently superior for being "the only one" doing stuff). I commit myself to realize that I am usually just the one who acts first, and that, I've been immersed in this point of view so much that if someone would act I'd probably just ignore it with a justification "well, glad you did it this once". I commit myself to realize that the way I am acting was once true (in my distant past), but not anymore and if I keep on pushing myself this way I will but myself out big time. I thereby commit myself to carry out my responsibilities from within and as breath, focusing on how I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to be within them and to stop pushing myself through obligating myself. 

When and as I see myself thinking about what I need to do in order to "do everything I must", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am living out this very same point: carrying responsibility out of fear that if I don't everything will fall apart. I commit myself to face and to forgive my fear as well as my self-judgments and my reactions that come up with this fear. I commit myself to breathe through the experience, stabilize myself here and to do my stuff from a clear, present, aware and focused starting point of being here with breath. 

When and as I see myself judging others to do "less than me", and thus elevating myself as a person who does "more", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that no matter which end I participate it is part of the same polarity where: 1) I judge myself "having to do everything" or otherwise everything (my world, my relationships, my life) will collapse (fear); or 2) I judge myself as "having done everything" and I feel a silent pride combined with tiredness of how I've pushed myself to achieve what I achieved -- this being something that then accumulates and creates judgment towards others for "leaving me" to do everything by myself and thus "making me" become tired and worn out. I commit myself to realize that I am ultimately doing this pattern to be "enough" to other people and to help people because I fear that if I don't put a lot of effort into it "everything will collapse" -- I also commit myself to realize that this very pattern is in fact causing me to hurt others and make it so that things will collapse more probably. I commit myself to realize that the only "cure" for this pattern is for me to stop it, and this I commit myself to do. I commit myself to face and to release the judgments and the, either positive or negative, reactions that come with. I Commit myself face and to forgive all of my expectations, standards and opinions about what needed to be done -- activities and their justifications upon which I judged myself and others -- and to realize that while things need to be done, it is of utmost arrogance to think that things need to be done exactly the way I want them to be done. I commit myself to remind myself that in this arrogance I am not adaptable, and since reality is much out of our control, this adaptability is essential for me to live my life. I thereby commit myself to let all of my judgments, expectations, standards, reactions and backchat go and to breathe until I am HERE stable, aware and present. In this I commit myself to assist and support myself to have my foundation be and become my actual state of existence -- and not a "competition of who did what, and what that makes all of us". 

lauantai 4. lokakuuta 2014

Day 625 - Morning troubles



POINT 1
I woke up late today and feeling really weak – that is to say ”impaired” to do what I have to do. I reacted to my experience quite heavily.

SF:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the experience that I have – or in this case the experience I woke up with – as the experience through which I will have to move myself the entire day.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to view the experience I have as the convention of my existence – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to state that I am in fact ”less than” my own experience by believing (and acting out the belief) that the experience I have is what I have to endure and move through until it goes away by itself, instead of directing the experience to change and/or dissipate so that I can go about my day more effectively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear tiredness because I fear that the difficulty to move and to concentrate will impair me from doing ”enough” that day – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear ”not being enough” as the cause for punishment, decrease in rewards, decrease in social standing and falling short of my goals and dream.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on my tiredness – or some other experience that impairs my ability to do stuff – within a fear that believes that it is this experience that will cause me to be ineffective today and to fall short today.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by focusing on my tiredness, instead of moving myself to wake up, I am in fact supporting the tiredness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by focusin on my fear of falling short today, instead of moving myself to wake up, I am in fact supporting this fear to manifest by abdicating my responsibility to do the things needed to wake up and to enable me to do my stuff effectively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for waking up late by thinking how much time I've already lost, how much more in a hurry I now am because of it and how much worse me feeling weak and tired is in the face of the hurry that I've now put myself in.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my self-judgment with further fear that I will fall short today.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to loop with fear and self-judgment this way without realizing that in doing so I am making it harder and harder for myself to do the simple actions required to wake up: move around, drink water, eat breakfast, take a shower, go outside... in one way or another to simply START MY DAY.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I perceive and believe that I've wasted time, I will continue to waste time if I impair myself from doing anything effectively with self-judgments and reactions.


POINT 2
Now I didn't just react and keep everything to myself. After I had accumulated feeling like shit from self-judgments and reactions I started to project them onto my partner through blame and judgment. In the end, I perceived that it was in fact her fault (too) that we woke up late. In this I effectively placed the cause of the situation outside of myself, justifying how I felt in the process. This was, again, a good excuse to leave the simple deeds required for waking up undone – I was too busy moping.

SF:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to delude myself by believing that if I can blame an internal experience that I have onto someone else, it is justified to just mope around and to not direct the point myself, because it apparently wasn't my fault in the first place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that no matter what justification I give for my own internal experience, the experience exists within me and thus it is something that I do, and it is something that I do to myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame my partner for waking late with me – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and protect me from my own mistake of waking up late by seeking others who are ”also to blame” as if this would make my mistake (and the hurry it created) more acceptable.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the only practical consequence of blame is that I will place the cause for my own experience outside of myself, and thus, if I believe my blame I will only give up my own ability to direct my own experience to the outside source.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take my own experience – that I created myself through self-judgment and fear – out on my partner, instead of facing my own experience and carrying responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be deluded by my own experience, my fear, my self-judgment, my blame and my judgment from seeing the situation for the simplicity that it was: that I feel a little tired and I woke up a little late, but if I just get up, do what I have to wake up and start doing my stuff by being bothered by waking up late as little as possible, I can be as effective as possible.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed all of this to happen within me, and that, as a result, I made a tired experience of weakness last for hours when otherwise it would have needed to last about 15 minutes.

COMMITS (1&2):

When and as I find myself weak and impaired, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that my responsibilities do not only extend over the activities that I've committed to, but also to myself – to my experience, to my physical health and my inner-stability. I commit myself to stop myself from bothering myself with ”all the things that I already should be doing” and I commit myself to focus on the experience at hand first. I commit myself to see why I am in the state that I am in and to use common sense to find a way out of it. I commit myself to stop all fears, self-judgments, blames, judgments and projections that would delude me from doing the simple physical activities required to support myself our of my experience of weakness and/or tiredness. Then, once I've managed to stabilize myself, I commit myself to go about my day.

When and as I see myself thinking about my entire day (what I have to do, where and in what schedule) and I see myself reacting with fear or anxiety, I commit myself to stop, to breahte and to realize that: even the longest journey is walked one step at a time, and if I burden myself by thinking about the entire journey at once I will make it harder for me to take each of those steps (while usually taking a single step is extremely easy!). I commit myself to realize that I am trying to process too many things at once and I am thus making everything appear burdening to myself. I commit myself to remind myself of the days when I've just done one activity at a time and how much I've accomplished on such days. I then commit myself to release my reactions towards what I have to do that day with SF (”oh, that is so much” and all the unconscious experiences that come with it). I then commit myself to start carrying out my responsibilities one at a time and to move from an activity to another when it is done.

When and as I see myself seeking someone to blame for how I feel – or when and as I see myself already doing this – I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that the only fucking thing this will achieve is that I will make my inner-experience the fault of something outside of me. I commit myself to realize that if I go ahead and believe this bullshit I will refuse to direct my own inner-experience because it is apparently ”not my fault”, and that this is about as smart as drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. I thereby commit myself to stop shifting my focus to things that do not matter through blame by releasing my blame with SF. I then commit myself to face my own inner-experience as a phenomenon and an experience that is within me – that is something that only I can in fact direct – and to face and to sort it out myself!

I commit myself to explore practical solutions for situations – for example moving myself and drinking water to wake up – instead of focusing on how real-life problems make me feel – for example how being tired and feeling weak makes me fearful that I won't be able to get everything done today.


ONE MORE THING

One additional thing that I realized about this point was that ”tests” where I really have to stand up and walk my convictions come like ”a thief in the night” – or in otherwords ”when I am the least prepared”. This means that my convictions and decisions to change will become under the most strain when I myself am tired, weak or impaired. Here it is very vital to realize that these situations aren't in fact different from other situation because the actions that I've dedicated myself to do (not allow anger, to not smoke, to not allow judgment but to seek and to carry my own responsibility, etc.) will always be exactly the same.  


torstai 2. lokakuuta 2014

Day 624 - War needs fuel



There is a saying "we work hard and party hard". This is essentially what I've faced with my war-mode.

When I push myself to excel, it is very demanding. This often wears me out and to relax I've smoked and played games, and not just a little bit but a lot.

When I've walked this point of my "war-mode" I've come to realize that approaching world this way is extremely burdening. I've also realized that it is this burden that I've used to justify my smoking, my gaming and my rare drinking -- I've done these things to "blow off steam".

Now that I've relaxed from the war-like approach in life where I am in a hurry even when sitting down, I've noticed that my desire to escape my day-to-day living has also come down -- there is less steam (stress) to blow off! However this point isn't just this simple.

I've grown accustomed to smoking and gaming, and thus letting go of my stress would also mean that I'd have to let go of things that I really like about it (being able to escape my stress to gaming and smoking, and to justify excessive participation to both by saying "well, I am so stressed"). Thereby the positive relationship I have to indulging in these two points has to also be walked in order for me to really explore life without stress -- in other words I have to deal with this relationship or otherwise I won't really and fully let go of my stress!

I have already done this, but from now on I fully commit to walk all the points that I've outlined in the posts 620 - 624. I will write down and share the self-forgiveness and commitments that I utilize to really live these points differently. In the past I've limited self-forgiveness into something I write on my blog. Now I will take it out into the world to really assist and support me to change my ways, and in my blog I will share the practical self-forgiveness that I document from the moments that I utilize it.




torstai 25. syyskuuta 2014

Day 623 - Realizations on Equality

The following is taken from my Facebook. I wanted to put it here so that it wouldn't be buried by the stuff I post on my wall.




[REAL TALK ALERT]

Here is a normal dog who befriended a disabled kitten.

I have a cat -- or my wife does but anyway -- so I recognize when that cat is really happy. The dog doesn't seem to mind the fact that the cat's behavior is out of the ordinary. Yet in human society many would judge a person acting out of the ordinary like that and not grant them their company.

What I am about to say is very obvious but still when taking into consideration how people generally act I think it needs to be said. This cat is differently able, but to treat him/her as "less of a being" is a choice made by everyone who interact with it. As I said, the dog doesn't seem to mind. AND if you would blacken out everything but the dog from the picture, you couldn't tell who he/she is interacting with. The dog is him/herself regardless of the company, and thus, the condition of the cat doesn't lead to alienation or shunning.

When I saw the kitten do the same gestures of happiness as my cat Kiukkupissa (rough translation: Anger Piss), I started to wonder how the joy of the two cats was different. How would one cat's happiness be more valid or justified than another cat's? I don't really believe that anyone can value them differently without being arrogant as fuck. Yet, while I believe that most will agree, why do we not grant our company to those who fail to live up to the "norm" -- whatever that may be to us.

In human society difference is shunned. The cat on the video was happy about interacting with the dog and I can say from personal experience that it is very difficult to be happy on your own. Happiness is an expression and it usually comes from lived life -- life being something that you do with others because we are all here. Yet if one is shunned and left out, out of the choice of everyone else, the happiness of this being is valued so low that it is literally taken away.

When I look at the point from the perspective of those who would deny for example a differently able (or a person with different interests, ethnicity, job, size of paycheck... whatever) person the comfort of relaxed company where the participants are who they are, they do not do it out of the direct desire to do so (well... sometimes) but out of fear. We all know how reactive everyone around us are and how for example farting at the wrong time can get you shunned or even fired. Thus we all put a lot of effort so that we "stay within the norm", so that we won't get alienated.

Quite the bind, is it not?

I would like to ask and say all kinds of things like "oh, how did we get here?" and "ah, this is one tense shit storm we live in", but instead I'll put my energy towards meeting whoever I happen to meet by being who I really am to them. Yes, this will require for me to face my fears and what not, but I believe it will be worth it. I am also quite sure that the social tensions we see around us weren't created in a day, and thus, to walk out of them is really gonna need some work -- perhaps work that won't be done even over several generations, who knows? But I for one am going to really explore why I can be myself with one person and not the other and why I thus create and allow inequality by accepting some while alienating others.

Yea, so, that's what's up. Decided to share because I feel this point to be very fundamental -- that we are all equals in terms of life, and anything that breaks that is a social agreement and not a fact.



Here is the human equivalent. A vlog made by a disabled person who was greeted as an equal at a convention.



Day 622 - My War-mode and my relationship with myself

"I don't care how you do it, just get it done!!"


War as a tradition is a fascinating thing. I will do my best to break down what it has meant to me and how I've lived it out.

    The concept:
I've always been fascinated by the military. Not because of the guns or the violence, but because everyone there tries their best to accomplish something that is deemed important. Yes this self-discipline is forced out of people with various punishments and rewards, but still it is something that I haven't really encountered elsewhere -- I mean a group where EVERYONE gives 100%.  
Within a military hierarchy the individual doesn't matter, the mission does. The mission is so important that people are willing (or forced) to give it everything they have -- to even sacrifice themselves, which is seen as the most noble thing a person can do.  
With these concepts in mind, you could say that I've been "an army" all by myself. I've had "a mission" (climb the ladder - use resources for change) that is so important that I (the troops) am expendable to complete it.  
A military structure and the nation it serves is something that will "go on" after the "expendable soldiers" are gone. However, I am not an army. When I push myself to complete my "mission" in a way that leaves my body and my nerves wrecked, there are no new recruits to take my place. 
Thereby I'll have to face how I push myself to do things because it is quite harmful. 


"Study harder!"


When I look at the point I see how, throughout my life, I've downplayed the importance of me. At first this was quite understandable: my family had split up, I saw that I was the least affected by it and so I decided to "put my worries aside" to help others. The problem was that I never corrected this starting point, and thus, over two decades later, I still see my own problems as things "barely worth mentioning" (or dealing with, or seeking assistance to) while I am quick to put a lot of effort in helping others. This point is a major contribution to my tendency of "sacrifice myself" for "noble causes" (attempt to get the "mission done" by considering myself as "expendable").

However, the truth of the matter remains that in order to really get shit done I must do things in a way within which I can remain consistent. Burning out in a decade is less than moving consistently for half a century.

So in practicality (in terms of my work/studies/being disciplined): 
1) I set very tight schedules and expectations for myself
2) I keep myself to my schedules and expectations with self-judgment (mistakes are unacceptable)
3) I do "quality control" with self-judgment (even if I get things done, I am quite mean towards myself if they are not perfect)
4) I feel that if I "fail", it will carry negative consequences far and wide (if I fail it will hurt others as well)
5) I feel that if I "fail", I and others will get disappointed in me (who knows maybe "inferior performance" has the power to end relationships?)
6) I feel that it is a given that I must succeed (success is what should always happen, and it is not worthy of mention, credit or praise)

All of this is like being in a personal boot camp within my head -- and it is VERY EASY not to notice how strict and cruel I am towards myself when it is me who is doing it.

To further obfuscate myself from realizing the obvious, and I must say that it is quite difficult for me to admit this, I've held on to a secret wish that I would get recognition for what I do -- the recognition that I am not giving myself. Of course this doesn't really happen, and thus, I do not only feel like "no one gives me credit" (when it is in fact me who isn't giving myself any) but I also feel unfulfilled in what I do and within my relationships. Shiit.

Another point of delusion is that I actually feel pride for pushing myself this way. Interestingly this pride doesn't ask the question of whether or not this is in fact necessary. I just feel like a "big man" for being able to withstand tight schedules and high standards regardless of how horrible it is for me to do this.

All of this then gets tangled to and justified with the social world around me. I push myself in a way that I don't see many people do, and thus, as I am able to endure and to keep this this up, I must be "strong" and others must not do this because they are "weaker". This sense of superiority is what I've seen that I don't want to let go when I've allowed myself to relax. I do not want to relax because it makes me feel like a slacker. Here I've again avoided the obvious: if I constantly need to prove my own "strength" to myself, I must think that I will loose my ability to things effectively if I don't constantly keep pushing myself.

These points are not something that are "all up in your face all the time". Instead, they are small moments of judgment and disappointment which every now and then accumulate into "pits of despair" from which it is very hard to do anything. The most acute and present consequence is that when I do my stuff I do it by pushing myself. This is very tiring and it makes every activity into a challenge, instead of activities being something that I await to express myself within. I am quite effective but in the long run this makes me do less even though I might do more for a short while.

There is an alternative to all of this where I am able to be effective AND be kind to myself in the process. I commit myself to find and to explore just this!