I've been on my "war mode" because I've felt that if I don't give everything I have my environment will destabilize and collapse (check this post for more details). This was an understandable misunderstanding as a child -- taking into consideration my history -- but it doesn't make sense now that I am a self-sufficient adult. Still, unfortunately, it stuck with me far into my adult years.
This fear -- the deeply rooted drive to give my everything to "have my life work" -- made me push myself quite a bit, and it did have it's perks. You get recognition, you achieve, you become competent and you become self-disciplined. The problem came when who I defined myself, and what is meaningful, through these moments. It was here that I started to run more and more after winning and achievements (in hindsight with quite unproductive activities). As I did this I lost more and more of my appreciation towards the simple peace of the moment that is here. Everything had to be something big and special and, as a result, I became restless and frustrated whenever I didn't have anything to do -- and I felt weak and useless when enough time had passed without me "winning any battles".
I didn't really see the problem with this before I got into a committed relationships where -- as an inevitability of spending a lot of time with someone -- all moments simply cannot be all razzle and dazzle. When I wasn't in a relationship and I had nothing to do I used to play games where I could still compete. Now in the relationship -- when I often had nothing to stimulate myself with -- I noticed that I just didn't know how to relax with another.
Here instead of facing this point and practicing how to let myself just be, I went into fascinating justifications to not face this point. I mean, after years of thriving to "give my best" I've grown to see myself as a competent guy. Instead of simply then doing well with what I put my mind into, I also took this point into ego thinking that I am somehow better. So when I faced moments where I should have only relaxed but couldn't, and where I thus went into that restlessness and frustration (an experience that didn't fit well with my self-definition of competence), I started to think that the circumstances were "holding me back". It took me quite a while to look at the situation from other perspectives than just mine, and I came to realize that I REALLY need to practice this point of stability. I realized that first and foremost it was hurting me to keep myself constantly "on the edge". Secondly I realized that if I'd become a dad without being able to sit on my ass for 5 minutes without getting restless and frustrated, I wouldn't be able to create a stable environment for my kid. And who knows, maybe he'll grow up to be just like me...
More points to come, and, SF & Commits to come about the points that have opened.