maanantai 10. marraskuuta 2014

Day 633 - Judgment through the eyes of others



The experience in at the cafe made me consider why it was so difficult for me to take charge of that situation. This is not to say that it is hard for me to do, I just didn't feel like it, I did it anyway (from the wrong starting point) and felt like shit afterwards. Why? 

I took on this particular situation out of obligation -- I pushed myself -- instead of self-expression which probably would have avoided the "feeling like shit" part.

What obligation and why? 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare what I did at that cafe shop to "create an enjoyable and sociable moment" to what others did or didn't do to reach this end. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that social situations "should" go a certain way -- that this standard is in fact universal and known by all, and that it is something that people should thrive for -- instead of realizing that all expectations I placed on the situation were my own. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the situation to be one where everyone expected me to "initiate" the social situation -- that I'd talk to everyone to show that it was OK and to get everyone going. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be "more than" those at my table.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I am superior to those at my table because I (in my mind) were the one that "had to" initiate the situation for it to flourish or have the situation remain limited by not giving the initiation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be "superior" because I accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust anyone else to "break the ice", and thus, since I was the only one that was going to do it, I had to be "more than" the others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare how I express myself to how others express themselves. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react by feeling "able" -- and by feeling pride for this -- when I see that my expression is more directive, more responsibility carrying and more expressive than others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify taking a "superior position" towards others by thinking that I am not doing it because I want to, but because I apparently have to -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others to be people who do not carry responsibility for the situations that they are in, and thus "boost myself up" even more by lowering others within my head. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek a superior position to "soothe" my insecurities -- that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek situations that prove to me that I am "able" and "superior" instead of "weak" and "inferior". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I define myself through such moments, I can only feel certain when I am within such a moment and such an experience or when I remind myself of such moments and experiences in the past. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider what is self-confidence in fact, but that I've instead accepted and allowed myself to try and create situations that prove that I am "able" and "superior" and not "weak" and "inferior". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by doing this I make myself react by becoming anxious and frustrated if the situation around me isn't one that would define me as "able" and "superior". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this is why I initially reacted to my friends at the cafe -- because if I were to allow the situation to continue as it is  (awkward and quiet), I might get judged as "weak" and "inferior" by living out insecurity with the other people. 

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others in an attempt to "check" what "value" I am being given in the situation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take this self-judgment and believe that it is actually a standard or an expectation that exists outside of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to these perceived standards with fear that I'll be judged as a "looser", "inferior", "nerd", "weakling" and the like if I just sit there and accept and allow the situation to remain quiet and awkward. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act from this starting point of fear to protect my own idea about myself in the face of my own self-created judgments that I placed within the minds of those around us. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have my expression be directed this way by how I think that those around me judge me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abandon my own expression, and that I accepted and allowed myself to change myself to what I believed and perceived was expected of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abandon my own self-expression to act out in a way that I presume to give those around me the image of me that I want them to have of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to appear relaxed and social in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to appear tolerant and considerate in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to appear wise and smart in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to push myself and to abandon my own actual self-expression, and, in the process, create tiredness and frustration for trying to be someone I am not. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this to control the image others have of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and control this way because I fear that if I don't others will get a "bad image" of me, and I will be shunned, disrespected, bullied or abandoned for it. 


When and as I see myself considering how I must appear to other people from the outside -- and when and as I see myself judging the company I keep apparently "through the eyes of others" -- I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I am trying to superimpose and to protect my self-image. I commit myself to remind myself that my self-image is in no way real and what is real is who I actually am and the moment that is actually HERE. I commit myself to stop, face and to release my judgments and my reactions with SF. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and to live the moment instead from within self-awareness, self-stability, breathing and by being HERE in the moment. I commit myself to realize within this that all the judgments that I would have otherwise placed in the minds of others, that would have also changed my behavior a lot, are all in my own mind -- and I am responsible for directing how I accept and allow myself to see the world. 

When and as I see myself starting to direct a situation, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to make sure that I am not doing it from self-obligation. If I am, I commit myself to face and to release the self-obligation, the judgments it originates from and the superiority it hides within it. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and then, once stable, here and within and as breath, I commit myself to explore directing the situation through self-expression. 

When and as I see myself judging myself or others "through the eyes of others", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this judgment is my judgment even though I've "placed it" into the minds of others. I commit myself to carry responsibility for my own judgment by facing and releasing it, along with my reactions to it, with SF. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and, once stable, to look at the situation again without the influence of my judgments. I commit myself to live without through the situation without allowing myself to participate in the judgments, and by not allowing the judgments to thereby limit me or my expression. 

I commit myself to explore how to live words (such as "relaxed", "social", "tolerant", "considerate", "wise" and "smart"), instead focusing on whether or not I appear in such a way that others think that these words define me. 

I commit myself to explore how to live the words "relaxed" and "social", instead of doing actions, seeking situations and seeking feedback that "prove" that those words define me. 

I commit myself to explore how to live the words "tolerant" and "considerate", instead of doing things, seeking situations and seeking feedback from others that "proves" that those words define me. 

I commit myself to explore how to live the words "wise" and "smart", instead of doing things/saying things, seeking situations and seeking feedback from others that apparently "prove" that those words define me. 

sunnuntai 9. marraskuuta 2014

Day 632 - We had a good time, then why do I feel like shit?




I was at a cafe with my friends. They were quite awkward and they didn't talk to each other. I therefore ”initiated” the situation by talking to everyone and taking everyone in equally. Afterwards I felt like shit. WTF? 



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire sociable friends so that I could have fun social situations. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my friends being quiet and awkward by feeling uncomfortable. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to me feeling uncomfortable by thinking that I have to do something about the situation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to conclude that I'll have to get everyone relaxed and sociable to have the situation that I wanted (where people would talk to each other and have fun) -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to: 1) try to superimpose my view of how the situation should go; 2) to believe and perceive that I have to direct the situation to get this view BECAUSE no one else is doing anything; and 3) that I, from this point onward, started to make the situation more social by feeling like I am burdened to do so by the lack of effort from others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that others are not capable or willing to carry responsibility for the situation at hand by expressing themselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to others who limit/suppress themselves with a fear that I won't be able to live what I want to live with them because the situation will become limited, suppressed and awkward.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my fear with self-obligation by thinking that unless I ”initiate” the situation and ”keep it up” the situation will die out. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus take the limitations and suppressions of others personally and ”on my shoulders”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I take the limitations/suppression of others "on my shoulders" I am not taking on my shoulders that which in fact exists but how I've judged everything to be. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to validate my judgment and blame by obligating myself to act according to them -- at which point I must believe my judgment and my blame or otherwise I wouldn't allow myself to move according to it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I ”have to” do this, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to pity myself for ”having to” do so.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby NOT express myself by myself and for myself when I am with others – but that I've accepted and allowed myself to express to get others to express themselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress myself because of the limitations and suppression of others, instead of me living by myself and for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive (and in this pity myself for) that others do not carry responsibility for their own expression, and thus the world that I will see around me is one that doesn't express – and that this is the world and life experience that I am condemned to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge, and to focus on the judgment, that this is unfair – that it is unfair that I have to only give and others can only take this way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that people cannot change and/or that they won't change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in front of all of this and react with despair.


Interesting how my straight out judgment was tangled in with a more "altruistic" view of directing situations so that everyone would enjoy themselves. Pretty sneaky cloak and dagger play bro, pretty sneaky. 


I commit myself to express myself by myself and for myself within the realization that it is my life that I live – and thereby if I express myself fully I'll have a full life.

When and as I see myself reacting to the people around me because they are not as sociable as I'd want the situation around me to be, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize I am judging others for not giving me the situation that I would have liked to have. I Commit myself to realize that this is absolutely invalid, and that if I go ahead and try to make the situation more sociable from this starting point, I'll end up burdening myself (and in the worst case blaming others for this). I thereby commit myself to face and to release my judgments and my reactions with SF. I commit myself to face and to release my expectations for the situation with SF, and to release my idea/belief/perception that those around me should give me a sociable situation to socialize in. I commit myself to take self-responsibility for own expression and to not allow myself to demand that others "provide the circumstances" in which I apparently can express myself. 

I commit myself to become aware of when I suppress my own expression and blame others for it by thinking that "they are making the situation" into something in which I apparently cannot express myself. At such a time, I Commit myself to face and to release my blame with SF and to express myself! 

When and as I see myself limiting or suppressing my own behavior because I judge other people to be limited or suppressed, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I fear to express myself and I blame others for it – with which I justify to limit and suppress myself. I commit myself to release my judgments and my expectations (about what the situation should be so that I could express myself) with SF and to breathe through the experience. When stable, I then commit myself to express myself by myself and for myself with others in the situation.


I commit myself to carry responsibility for my own despair and powerlessness by directing this point – I commit myself to accept and allow myself to be me by carrying responsibility for my expression, and in not allowing myself to limit myself with how I judge others to be limited.

I commit myself to look at situations where I felt limited or suppressed with self-honesty to see, realize and understand what in fact happened -- if I judged, if I reacted onto that judgment and how I allowed myself to experience and to express myself from there. I commit myself to assist and support myself to differentiate between the things that happen within me (so that I won't confuse plain judgment and blame with for example benevolence again). 

Day 631 - Why it is absolutely vital to talk things through




I won't publish the SF and SCS for this point, but I still want to share it because I find it extremely important.

Me and my fiancee have had it quite rough recently. We've not enjoyed each other's company, we've not been talking much and we've spent time with each other less.

When I was with her I felt this physical resistance from which it was very hard to talk to her or to express myself. In time this accumulated and got worse, until we put a stop to it.

When we finally sat down to talk the points that were annoying us in the relationship through. The hardest part was to face oneself in self-honesty. We didn't focus on each other -- both saying what the other did -- but we focused on ourselves to see, realize and understand what REALLY happened and then communicate that.

Here it was very important to talk about WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED -- not that "I've been feeling..." kind of vague shit. I mean, yes, we started out by expressing how we felt but we also continued to look at why we felt the way we did, what were the specific situations that triggered it all. After going through the actual situation we saw how far our interpretations of the situation were from what was actually going on.

From here we've walked the necessary corrections on a variety of judgments, comparisons and, most importantly, expectations that made us limit ourselves when they didn't come to pass. One very interesting thing that we found out was that our sets of reaction were actually feeding each other and looping with each other.

If we wouldn't have talked, and if we wouldn't have talked specifically about what had happened, we would have never understood what was going on. We would have lived in our own interpretations of the situation and, judging by the direction they were headed, the relationship would have ended.

So my message is this: don't allow your interpretations to direct your life, but seek out the truth of things. This is usually nothing mysterious or big -- just what happened -- who said what, who reacted how, what was thought, believed, judged, compared, blamed and in what sequence did it all come together to create the situations, the resistances and the emotions.

I will open up the points that I've found about myself in this in posts to come, but I don't want to share stuff that have something to do with my fiancee with anyone but her.

Cheers,
Lauri

sunnuntai 2. marraskuuta 2014

Day 630 - Have I done enough?




I've become aware that I pause many times while doing an activity -- say read a school book or write a blog -- to think about how much there is still to go, as if I'd have something better to do or something that I'd rather be doing.

Each time I pause and look at how much there is still to go that I am free to do other things, I state that I don't really want to be doing the thing that I am doing. And each time I allow myself to do this it will be harder for me to focus on and do the thing that I am doing.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pause within activities to think how much there is still to go, and to imply within this consideration that I don't really want to be doing what I am doing. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, with each pause, accumulate resistance towards that which I am doing. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that this resistance is caused by the nature of the activity that I am doing. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this by judging the activity that I am doing to be boring, hard, draining or stressful. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that these experiences are in fact caused by how I approach the task at hand and how I direct myself within the task. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do these kinds of tasks breathless. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "hold my breath" while waiting for the task to be finished. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind -- away from self-awareness and stable breathing -- when I do activities that I've defined boring, difficult, draining or stressful, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on these tasks from these perspectives from within my mind. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cause an increasing resistance towards studying, writing and work by approaching these activities this way. 



When and as I see myself I see myself pausing within an activity to thinking/checking what else to do OR how much I've done or how much there is still to go, I Commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in doing this I state that I'd like the activity already to be over and that each time I Do this I'll create more and more resistance towards the activity. I thereby commit myself to face and to release that which I'd rather be doing and to breathe until I've stabilized here within self-awareness. After I am stable I commit myself to continue the activity and to do it until it is done -- in doing this I commit myself to practice my follow through. 

I commit myself to make sure that I do my work, my study and my writing from self-awareness and breath so that I won't "hold my breath" until the task is done because doing tasks this way in fact create much of the physical stress I feel when doing them. 

Day 629 - Will I have to do more than others?



This point has been coming up a lot recently, and thus it is time for me too look at it.


The origin of this point is within my childhood, specifically within my decision to ”put myself aside” to help my family when they were going through tough times. As I wrote in my war mode post this point was viable back then, but unfortunately I never really let go of it. Back then my family was literally my world (along side daycare), and thus the state of my family had a huge impact on my life. It was from here that I took on the belief that what the people in my life are going through will influence my own life to a great degree, and, because instability is common, the only way for me to have a stable life is to take care of the stability of others. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that what the people in my life live through will influence me as well. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my reactions towards what people in my life live through is automatic, that what happens on the outside causes my reactions within -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my reactions are my reactions and the external world is the external world (that they are two separate things). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the only way to keep this equation stable is that I do my best to keep those around me as stable as possible -- because this way I will avoid external world events that would cause instability within my inner-world. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the worries of others with worry.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the worries of others with a fear that if they can't get over the worries they will start to influence my life as well. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, from this starting point of fear and worry, start thinking about what to do to help the person. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby help others to make them more stable so that I could be more stable. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the worries of others personally this way -- that I've accepted and allowed myself to make who I am dependent on how others are doing. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I in fact create my worry and fear towards the worries of others myself this way. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on how to help others to get them more stable, and in this that I've accepted and allowed myself to pre-decide how I will react: if they get better I'll be fine and if they don't I'll react with more fear and worry. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat about where the life of the other will take him/her if they don't get over the point -- and that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to this guesswork with further fear and worry. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, when my reactions get bad enough, start to think about ways out of the relationship. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the practical point that I have to direct within all of this is myself, so that I can remain stable and that I'll continue to live and to direct my own life no matter what others are going through, because if I stand stable I can in fact assist others -- however if I do this with stress and expectation I will only make it harder for the other to solve their problems. 


When and as I see myself finding a "fault" in how other people act or deal with things, and when and as I See myself going into a reaction because of this, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I Am the one who is reacting, that the situation outside of me is separate from the reaction and that if I truly want to help in the situation I'll have to carry responsibility for my own reactions first. I commit myself to do just this and to make sure that I stand clear and stable before I start to direct the situation outside of me. 

When and as I see myself going into worry towards another because I see some "fault" in their actions, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I am only seeing one side of the situation and trying to superimpose my own way of "fixing it" to make myself feel better. I commit myself to realize that I cannot help another in order to make myself feel better because then I'll add more stress for the other person. I commit myself to face and to release my worry, my fear and my expectations on how the situation should get better, and only when I stand stable and clear will I try to direct the situation. 


As time went by this point evolved to entail me to carry the responsibility of others with other things as well -- in the small and the big. Starting with the small, because I've allowed myself to "cover for" others for so long, I've started to view many things that I need to do as things that "fall to my responsibility" because someone else abdicated their responsibility. For example when I clean the kitchen I don't just clean the kitchen but I pick up after my roommate. Each and every time I allow myself to participate in this small shift in perspective, I make my everyday responsibilities extremely burdening by "blaming them on others". 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think with almost every activity about whose responsibility it is to do it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to an activity that I do with frustration and self-victimization ("this ain't fair because he should have") when that activity is one that I've judged to be the responsibility of someone else. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to essentially blame others for the stuff I "have to" do. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat with each activity about whose responsibility it is without realizing that within this approach I create a lot of reaction within me instead of just doing the activities that need to be done. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that usually this "weighing of responsibilities" is but a single view of the situation, yet, by accepting and allowing myself to react with frustration when things go my way and with joy when things do, I state that I believe fully my one-sided perspective of the situation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to burden myself by "weighing responsibilities" and by reacting with frustration each time I judge that I've done something someone else should have done. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to superimpose my view of "morality" on others this way, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to create frustration, blame, projection and anger for myself as a result. 

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to burden myself this way. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to activities by thinking whose responsibility it in fact is when I am tired, frustrated or very busy. 

When and as I see myself judging another for leaving something undone or doing a half-assed job with something, and when and as I See myself reacting to this with frustration in which I think that I now (apparently) have to do more, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am burdening myself by blaming others for what needs to be done. I commit myself to realize that if I allow myself to do this, the burden will only grow and make it extremely difficult for me to do anything. I commit myself to realize that I am the creator of all of this and it is my view and my reactions that I am responsible for. I thereby commit myself to carry responsibility for my own judgments and for my reactions to my own judgment by facing and releasing them with SF and then by breathing through the experience. Then and only then will I continue to do my stuff because otherwise whatever I do will be influenced by judgments and my reactions. 

I commit myself to be on the lookout for these judgments especially when I am tired, very busy or frustrated -- at such times I commit myself to facing and directing my tiredness, my work load (and sorting it out) and/or frustration, instead of letting these points erupt through judgment into my environment. 


As for the big things I've designed my life to go as far as possible, and I put in the effort each and every day. Sometimes it is quite a lot to go to university, to have a job, to be part of organizational activities (basic income / a political party), take online courses (outside of uni.) and to writing on a daily basis. To keep this up takes 12h per day, 6 days a week (on Sundays I do less). I am not in terms of all of this, meaning that when I wake up and live out the day as I'd like to the list above doesn't simply come out. No, I have to push myself. This would be OK, something that would ultimately lead to growth, unless I'd resist the growth by comparing myself and my effort to others and thinking that it is unfair that I have to do so much. In this point I simply resist growth by allowing myself to view things in such a way that I don't find any joy in becoming more effective with myself, just frustration and jealousy towards those who apparently "do much less". 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare what I do to what others do. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, within my comparison, blame others (for doing less) for my own difficulties in getting used to my new schedule. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self-victimize myself by comparing myself to others and blaming others for how much I have on my plate -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT embrace the stuff I have to do with this comparison and blame, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist change and growth this way. 


When and as I see myself comparing my effort to the effort of someone else, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I do this to "measure" if it's fair that I do as much as I do. I commit myself to realize that in this I am not embracing my new schedule but in fact resisting getting used to it. I commit myself to realize that no matter what others do, I'll still have to do all the same things to live my own life (more or less), and it is thus futile to "measure" how much I need to do from what others are doing. I commit myself to thereby release the judgments, the comparisons and my reactions to both, and to stabilize myself HERE through breathing. I commit myself to live my life for myself, not in comparison to others, within the realization that I am not free if I allow this comparison to direct me.  

lauantai 25. lokakuuta 2014

Day 628 - From self-obligation to self-standards



I self-obligate myself while pushing myself aside -- I've shown myself the origin of this point in my writings about my childhood -- in this the fulfillment of my obligation is what determines my self-worth. It is from here that I create self-standards that I have to fill and follow in order to matter. If I don't achieve my existence in itself is worthless in my eyes.

This is why I am constantly studying, working or writing (though I've not been writing as of late). Whenever I fall short, even a little bit, I react as if I've failed, as if I am worthless and as if these "signs" predict doom later down the road. To put it in a word: I do not take kindly to my own shortcomings.

Instead of facing this pattern that I live, I blame. When I feel that I've failed, I seek reasons why I couldn't succeed in the first place to make my failure acceptable and justified -- and in the process I also accept and justify the view that what I did was in fact a failure! However, the "trade-off" of this self-imposed ignorance is that I have to go through very intense experiences of frustration, sadness and anger when I view the world around me as one that "didn't give me a shot to begin with" or where "I have to fight tooth and nail for every little thing I get/achieve".

Another unfortunate side effect is that this wrecks my relationships as I blame those in my life or those who brought me up for the challenges and shortcomings that I face today.

After all of this, I've created a world within which to get depressed. And as a result, I start to pile up more shortcomings. And so it loops... until I stop...


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "loose touch" with the realization that my very existence -- my very being -- matters inherently as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget that when I was a child my experience was all that I lived before I decided to "put myself aside" to "help others" (my family).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, from this point on, to define myself according to what I do; initially how well I help those around me (how good I am in helping) and later through how good I am other things such as intelligence, winning in competition and wit.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abandon my very being as the foundation of my existence and as the foundation of my "self-worth", meaning that unless I am good at something I will not feel like my existence has any point or that I have any worth.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become "un-grounded" from my physical existence and being, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to immerse my self-definition into how well I do things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus make myself unstable by making my experience (whether it is good or bad) dependent on how well I perform within the activities that I do -- in that I feel "able" if I do well and I feel "weak" if I don't, or if I haven't done well in a while (for instance by being lazy).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to push myself to perform to feel like my existence matters and for me to feel that I have worth -- in this, I forgive myself, again, that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the foundation of my existence, self-confidence, self-definition and self-worth be within my achievements instead of grounding myself to my very physical existence that is constant, stable and, to an extent, unchanging (compared to my moods created by whether or not I've "succeeded" to live up to my expectations today).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through what I do and achieve by thinking that it is this self-judgment that keeps me effective and active.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is this self-judgment that accumulates to my "lows" and my "crashes" where I feel like I cannot get enough done while there is always more work, and that nothing thus matters.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I matter and that life matters -- that the moment that is here matters and I should focus on living within it in self-honesty to my own form.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that each moment I accept and allow myself to live in separation from myself, I live in such a way that I require confirmation of my own worth from external feedback, validation and achievements because within the very act of abandoning myself, or within the very act of me separating myself from myself I state that my existence doesn't matter enough for me to HERE with it, to be aware of it and for me to live within and as it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "put myself aside" this way, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to seek achievements, feedback and validation to "fill" the "void" that I create within myself this way. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire feedback, validation and/or achievements to "fill" this self-created "void" within myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to judge myself for being unworthy, weak, inferior and insufficient when I haven't gotten validation, feedback or achievements from which to become certain that I am not unworthy, weak, inferior or insufficient. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I feel unworthy, weak, inferior or insufficient, the only way to get out of the experience is to achieve, get feedback or get validation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the directive principle of my experience "out there" into the world in the form of validation, achievement and feedback. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my world/other people for when I feel unworthy, inferior, weak or insufficient for not getting feedback, validation or achievements from the world or other people -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is me who is creating the "void" within me by abandoning myself to live in separation from myself within the moments that are here, and that, it is me who has decided that the only way to "fill" this "void" is to get feedback, validation or achievements from the outside. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "seek proof" that I matter without realizing that it is me who is questioning this in the first place. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in separation from my matter -- my physical and practical existence that is HERE in each and every moment -- and that within this self-created separation I've made it possible to actually think that it is possible that I wouldn't matter. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to other people through how I blame them for how I've made myself feel -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "sacrifice" my relationships to NOT have to face how I've defined myself and how I've created this "void" within myself that I try to fill with achievements, feedback and validation -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge, blame and even abandon people who don't validate me like I'd want to be validate, or in other words: people who show who I am to myself by NOT acting in a way that keeps my internal fears and insecurities "at bay". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into depression by blaming the world and other people for the way I feel -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT accept and allow myself to realize how all of this is in fact in my own hands. 


I commit myself to focus more on myself HERE and to enjoy and to appreciate the fact I exist. 

When and as I see myself going into stress, frustration and/or anxiety about whether or not I am able to "do enough" during the day, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that: 1) I am trying to see everything that I have to do at once and this is why it feels overwhelming; and 2) by definition doing my best is what I have to give so if I give stuff my best I should be fine. I commit myself to check my schedule to make sure that I am being realistic and that it takes into account that I need breaks, rest, refreshment and leisure. I commit myself to face and to SF all self-judgments, self-obligations and self-expectations with SF within the realization that trying to do stuff with this "burden" will make everything I try to do harder. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and go about my day focusing on the moment that is here, myself within it and the task at hand. 

When and as I see myself feeling weak, unworthy, inferior or insufficient, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in separation from myself -- that I've allowed myself to be in my mind in separation from my physical body and the moment that is HERE, and that, it is within this "space", or this "void", that I've grown unsatisfied. I thereby commit myself stop, to breathe and to stabilize myself back here with SF and breathing. 

When and as I see myself going into self-judgment and blame because I feel weak, unworthy, inferior or insufficient, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this is not the solution but stopping my separation is. I Commit myself to face and to release my self-judgment and blame with SF within the realization that if I allow these points I will damage my relationships and I will create a self-definition of being weak, unworthy, inferior and/or insufficient that will then drive me to push myself to succeed to "prove" to myself and others that I am not unworthy, weak, inferior or insufficient. I commit myself to realize that I do this to myself, and I commit myself to carry responsibility for it with SF and by breathing through the experience, and by stabilizing and grounding myself to the moment that is HERE and my physical existence. 

I commit myself to see my reactions towards others as points that are coming up in me -- as gifts that show me the points that I need to sort out to sort myself out.

perjantai 17. lokakuuta 2014

Day 627 - Re-committing to stop smoking


I fell with smoking at the start of this week. This was because I had allowed a lot of things to accumulate and ultimately boil down to a "lashing out" and a conflict -- this is what made the situation seem "too much" and I smoked to comfort myself. I will write about what happened in my next post.
As a result of my fall I talked to Paul and we decided to go for quitting together. We found many great points in the chat we had and I wish to go over them here and now.



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to smoking as a "backdoor" that I can use to calm myself down when things get "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to smoking as this "backdoor" so that I can do something when things get "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, within this relationship to smoking, state that things will get too much.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is such a thing as "things getting too much", and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to define such a moment as one where I (by myself and without the assistance of anything outside of me) cannot do anything about the situation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby believe and perceive that I NEED smoking to stabilize myself WHEN things get "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to smoking because I do not in fact trust myself to be able to calm down without smoking when a situation that is "too much" inevitably comes.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that smoking will calm me down and that it is hard to calm down without smoking when the situation is "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to calm myself down instead of exploring other ways to do that -- such as breathing through experiences, letting go of thoughts or stopping the accumulation of thoughts, feelings and/or emotions BEFORE they get to the point of everything being "too much".


I commit myself to face my own experience as my own experience, without making them "bigger than me" or something that I simply cannot direct or to do anything about. 

I commit myself to face my experiences (from the positive to the overwhelmingly negative) through physical simplicity that I am (for example if I am anxious and the physical manifestation is shallow breathing and tense back and shoulders, I commit myself to start breathing, moving, stretching and massaging myself -- and through assisting my physical through the manifestations of anxiety, I'll assist myself through the anxiety).

When and as I see myself going into an experience that is "too much" -- one that I simply want to escape -- I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in this very resistance I state that I cannot do anything about the experience. I thereby commit myself to do everything in my power (except by having a smoke) from breathing to jumping up and down, from slowing myself down to going out for a walk and from self-forgiveness to talking to myself, so that I can direct myself and my own experience. I commit myself to do this to show myself that it can be done -- that I don't need smoking to regulate myself at such moments. In this, step by step, I commit myself to build up trust in myself as my directive principle and in the fact that no experience is in fact "too much".

When and as I've gone through an experience that was "too much", I commit myself to explore the point with writing to see, realize and understand how I accumulated and manifested that I can carry responsibility for it in the future. 




I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use smoking as a break from whatever it is that I am doing (work, study or having an experience that is "too much").

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use smoking to "take a break" from the experience that I have -- to have that calm experience of having a smoke outside where it is also calm and quiet.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use smoking to "regulate" how I feel, and that, in this, I've accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on smoking to "regulate" how I feel when facing certain experiences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to "regulate" boredom: to have something to do when I have nothing to do and to have an excuse to go outside, away from whatever it is that I am doing and to have a break.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to "regulate" stress: to have a reason to really take a break from everything that is stressing me, to go outside and to just smoke without thinking about anything but just enjoying the scenery.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke to "regulate" anxiety: to have a reason to get away from whatever it is that I react to with anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop and to see why I am in the experience that I am in the first place, but that I've simply smoked to "regulate" the experience.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider how I manifest the experiences I have, and that I've just allowed myself to "regulate" myself with smoking instead.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear self-expression -- to fear directing my own experience -- and that I've that accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose all the ways I've "regulated" myself with smoking if I'd quit. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'd loose stability if I'd quit smoking. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'd loose calmness if I'd quit smoking. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to smoking to have a "backdoor" in case "everything fails", and in this, that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT carry my responsibility fully (because deep down I know that if shit hits the fan, I can just "self-medicate").

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in holding on to smoking, I do not see the responsibility for my own life to be fully mine -- because with this "backdoor" I do not have to investigate how I create the experiences I go through (because I can simply self-medicate) and I do not have to actually direct myself in a way that creates a balanced and stable life (because when shit hits the fan I can simply self-medicate).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself to be able to direct myself through this life that I live -- through each obstacle, experience, thought, feeling and emotion -- and that I've thus needed smoking as an external way to "regulate" myself when things get "too much".


When and as I see myself go into boredom/anxiousness/stress that I want to take a break from by having a smoke (regulate my experience), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am in this experience because of how I've accepted and allowed myself to direct myself -- and if I choose to escape this (stabilize this) by having a smoke, I won't face what is actually going on. I commit myself to thereby by desire to smoke (after releasing it) into actually investigating what is going on. In this, with SF, SCS and writing, I commit myself to assist and support myself to actually learn how to direct myself in a way that doesn't lead me to boredom/anxiety/stress. 

I commit myself to carry responsibility for what I experience and go through, instead of escaping these points with smoking -- I commit myself to do this within the realization that for as long as I have the "backdoor" of "smoking myself stable" I won't carry full responsibility for myself. 



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "bargain with myself" so that I could have a smoke when things get "too much" by promising myself that I will not smoke more but only utilize the smoke to calm myself down "this once".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that what I do here is that I "regulate" myself with the smoke so that I can calm myself down "artificially", and, each time I've done this, I've not in fact faced how I made myself experience that things are "too much" -- there hasn't been a need to do so since I am already calm.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "bargain with myself" about smoking that I use to NOT face, and to carry responsibility for, myself = I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "bargain" with myself about whether or not to face and to carry responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself -- as a result of allowing myself to smoke as the result of "bargaining" with myself -- to promise myself to not smoke more in the future.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make such a promise without any understanding of the true relationship I have with smoking (the ability to "regulate" or to calm myself down when things get "too much").

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to quit smoking without sorting out this relationship first -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fall many time "just a little bit" because things got "too much".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make a "big deal" out of smoking within the promise to quit without realizing that in this I'll make the quitting process a "big deal".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the quitting into a "big deal" so that I could justify smoking, "falling only this once", because things are "too much" -- without realizing that this relationship to smoking is what I'd need to sort out instead of making big promises to myself to justify falling.


When and as I see myself go into an internal conversation -- of any kind -- in which I think whether or not I should have a smoke, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that IF I accept and allow myself to "bargain with myself" this way I will end up smoking. I commit myself to realize that ultimately I will allow myself to smoke with a promise that I will "quit after this" (in which I simply make a decision to quit without looking at why I smoke). However I also commit myself to realize that I am "bargaining for" not having to face myself -- to be able to simply push an experience aside with smoking -- and that this relationship of "self-medication" (the fear that I cannot deal with life without smoking) is why I smoke in the first place, and thus, in allowing myself to escape myself to smoking yet again I will support that escapism in me, and thus my habit of smoking. I thereby, within the realization that allowing myself to escape myself into smoking will only strengthen this point, commit myself to walk into the opposite direction and to really have a look at what I am escaping and how I manifested it. I commit myself to assist and support myself to carry responsibility for the points that I find with breathing, SF, SCS and writing; instead of supporting myself further into escapism by allowing myself to smoke. 



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself -- as the result of making these "big promises" to myself as the result of the "self-bargaining" -- to constantly think about smoking by thinking about how I am "in the process of quitting smoking"; that I've accepted and allowed myself to count days and to focus on how my life will change without realizing that in this I am in fact supporting myself to smoke through the principle of "what you resist persists".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that "I've quit smoking".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think about how long I've been without a smoke.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is "less severe" to smoke (to postpone my "great journey" of quitting smoking) when just a little time has passed from my decision to quit AND if I just "have one more" before I "quit for real".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is "less severe" to smoke if I've already been without smoking for quite a while because apparently at this point "one smoke won't hurt".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I think about smoking in thinking about quitting in (or how I've quit it), and when I allow myself to think about smoking I will accumulate the desire to smoke -- to have that vital experience once more (vital because of the "last resort stabilization" -relationship I've had with it) -- and the accumulation of this desire will ultimately lead me to smoke (unless I let it go).


When and as I see myself thinking about how I've quit smoking (counting days, "noting the difference" or anything else), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am thinking about smoking by resisting it. I commit myself to realize that this is pretty much the same as thinking directly about smoking, and thus, I Commit myself to stop and to release the thoughts, to breathe through the experience and to continue going about my day. 

When and as I see myself justifying smoking because "I already fell today/yesterday", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this argument is not valid and if I allow this internal conversation I will simply end up smoking. Thus, instead of giving this BS any room, I commit myself to face and to direct the underlying reasons / experiences that I want to escape with smoking in the first place. 

When and as I see myself justifying smoking because "I haven't had one in so long", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that if I allow this internal conversation I will end up smoking. Thus, instead of giving this any room, I commit myself to face and to direct the underlying reasons / experiences that I want to escape with smoking in the first place.