keskiviikko 7. tammikuuta 2015

Day 638 - On strength and power

What solutions will last?


Tomorrow I am to meet up with my boss, and under the supervision of the shareholders I am to prove why he is not doing a good job. This is an opportunity to make things run more smoothly and perhaps to get a promotion.

I've been preparing for this meeting for the past few days by gathering information, interviewing people who have made their careers in sales management, reflecting on my own experience as a sales manager and thinking up possible counterarguments my boss might bring up to defend his work and his position.

On the personal level I saw myself approaching the meeting like a boxing match as I prepared to obliterate the guy. It was only after I had a talk with my fiancee that I started to come into my senses. She asked me why go there with a plan that will most likely make an enemy out of this guy instead of just trying to correct the issue. In self-honesty the only answer I was able to give was that I was scared about the meeting and my fighting attitude made me feel strong. I realized that it served no other purpose but to act as a counter to my fear. I also realized that in practicality such an approach will limit me from exploring all solutions at my disposal and it will create more obstacles for me to work with.

From here I started to look at the concept of strength and how I've been thought to go about it. This type of ruthless "strength" that seeks to obliterate my enemies might seem like "more" on the surface than the more tender approach where I try to "garden" my relationship to a solution that is actually beneficial for all. The approach of "taking out my enemies" creates more and more conflict into the world that I and my the generations to come must live in, while the approach of "what is best for all" seems to create more and more stability. If we were to measure strength by continuity the latter approach will win by far, while the more aggressive approach has brought our world on the verge of collapse.


Time to get some humility in what I define as strength.
Time to redefine my idea of strength and to re-evaluate how I do things.
So stay tuned!

tiistai 6. tammikuuta 2015

Day 637 - Little thoughts of resistance




I've noticed another pattern within how I plant out and work through my days.

I usually plan what I have to do when I wake up, and this is precisely where the pattern begins to shape. I might think for instance that today I'll have to do the dishes, study, call a client, arrange a few meetings with clients and so forth. The problem comes from the fact that I do not simply list these tasks within my head, but I end up having small internal conversations about them. With the dishes for example I might have a little conversation with myself about not really wanting to do them which then leads to a few reactions within which this -- the thoughts that I accept and allow -- manifest into an experience of resistance towards the task. Because of this it will be harder for me to do the dishes.

I find it extremely fascinating how much of an effect these small little thoughts can have on how easy or hard it is for me to get through my day (assuming that I really want to stick to the schedule that I've set for myself). I understand that in the culture of the United States there is a proverb "stinking thinking" which I think sort of comes close to pointing out the consequences one's thoughts have on one's reality, but within my culture it is virtually non-existent. But I digress, onto the defuse:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to downplay the effects my thoughts have on how I feel, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to downplay the effect how I feel has on how I am able to do things.

And thus: when and as I see myself going into these internal conversations and the reactions they bring up, I commit myself to stop and to carry responsibility for them (facing them and letting them go with SF) instead of just letting them create reactions and relationships towards the activities that I have to do.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat / have an internal conversation with myself about what to do today.

I mean, that is not the only option out there now is it? I can also simply write a list without any internal conversation about whether or not I should do the things that I know have to do, and thus:

I Commit myself, for the next 21 days, to plan out my day in writing (on post-its as I usually do) and to make sure that I don't go into internal conversations or backchat about how I feel about this particular task. I commit myself to release all backchat and internal conversations right there on the spot if they come up, and through this I commit myself to practically explore how big of an effect they truly have on me.

It also seems to me that the backchat, the internal conversations and my reactions to both are always quite specific, and that I can't thus write something hear to deal with them. This is why I also commit myself to really dig into the thoughts and the reactions with SF when they come up! I want to see what kind of a relationship I create with the activities that I have, what kind of reactions this brings forth and to release these points through self-forgiveness -- right there, as they come up.

torstai 1. tammikuuta 2015

Day 636 - Little breaks of resistance



In a previous post I wrote:
"I also commit myself to really have a look at where my time goes into and, especially, how my time goes to various activities..."


The first point that I identified was that when I do something that takes a while to finish, there is a pattern that'll make me loose efficiency over time -- sometimes even reach a complete halt.

To explain what I am talking about I'll use an example where I've set a goal of 60 pages to study in a single day. The first 20 pages go without interruption and it doesn't take me that long. Then along the next 5 pages I get the first reaction of wanting to do something else, and another reaction for realizing that I still have 40 pages to go. Here I take my first pause in reading as I flick through the pages to see how many pages there are to go IN FACT (and how many pages are pictures, graphs or empty due to a chapter change), and in the process I loose a minute or two. I then continue reading with the impatient desire to finish that I've just created, which in turn creates further reactions. I usually end up reacting to stuff like typos, pieces of information that I find irrelevant to the topic and/or ways of writing that I find inefficient or straight out boring. Here I blame the text for taking so long to get through (and thus for it taking so long for me to get into other activities) and, as a result, my studying becomes even slower. When these reactions accumulate enough, I start to become frustrated and once the frustration has accumulated enough, I start to react differently to the text. I no longer react just a bit, but I might for example set down the book for a moment, sigh and think "oh man, I really don't want to read this shit". This is roughly the point where it becomes next to impossible to study. I still can but I progress very slowly, it's like trying to read something when you are really tired.

The trigger-point of the entire pattern is the desire to do something else. When I do not release this desire, whatever I was initially doing becomes my "2nd option". From here on end I no longer consider the study as the activity that I give my all to (like I did with the first 20 pages).

The second point is physically living out the scenario within the trigger-point (that studying is boring and I'd in fact like to do something else) by physically starting to flick through the pages to make sure that what I have to do is the absolute minimum -- to minimize the time I have to study until I get to do other things. In this I accept the point. I do not stop the trigger, but I start to flick through the pages.

The accumulation cycle comes when I react to the text, and the accumulation of frustration leads to the increasing resistance that leads me to loose efficiency and usually stop all together. I mean when I compare the pages per hour within the first 20 pages and the last 40 pages, the drop in efficiency is a huge one if I allow myself to live this pattern out!


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT carry self-responsibility for this pattern.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that going into a desire to do something else while I am still busy with the task at hand is the trigger-point to the pattern where I'll gradually loose interest and efficiency within the task at hand in the presence of my desire to do other things instead.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop when I first get the desire to do something else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am somehow supporting myself by "promising myself a treat" down the road when the task at hand is done -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am in fact creating resistance towards the task at hand by fantasizing about things that I'd rather do.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in creating a resistance towards what I do by desiring to do something else, I am in fact making it harder for me to finish that which I am doing -- I am making it take longer by focusing on other things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live out this desire to do something else by looking ahead to see how much there is still to go.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus live out the statement that what I Am doing now is boring and I'd much rather do something else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to start blaming the activity for "making me" to do things that I don't want, instead of carrying self-responsibility towards how I approach the activity that I am doing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the activity that I am doing to "find fault" in it to justify the resistance I have towards it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my judgment with a resistance towards doing the activity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the increasing resistance with an increasing frustration -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with frustration for "having to do" an activity that I don't see any point in doing without realizing that the point of "not seeing any point" is the result of my own judgment and fault finding.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the frustration until it becomes big enough for me to stop doing the activity that I am doing, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to use this pattern as an excuse to go do the thing that I really wanted to do.


When and as I am doing something and I see myself going into a desire to do something else, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to let the point of desire go. I commit myself to realize that in order to be effective I must do one thing at a time until it is done. I commit myself to continue doing the activity that I am doing within and as breathing where I focus on nothing else but the activity at hand. I commit myself to do this to practice becoming more effective, gathered and focused.

I commit myself to be and to become more aware of the points within this pattern: 1) getting the desire to do something else; 2) checking how much there is still to go; 3) judging the activity at hand (and finding fault with it); 4) reacting towards the activity at hand because of my judgment with frustration; 5) starting to feel so frustrated that it becomes next to impossible to do the activity that I am doing. I commit myself to stop myself whenever I find myself from any stage of this pattern. I commit myself to let go of the desire to do something else, the judgments, the reactions and/or the frustration with SF and to breathe through the experience until I am stable again -- take a break if I have to -- and to then continue to do the activity at hand by giving it my full focus.




torstai 18. joulukuuta 2014

Day 635 - What do you have time for?



The most fundamental point that one should have time and focus for is one's health. This is a combination of many points such as food, water, consumption of various drugs (tobacco, alcohol and the illegal ones) as well as exercise and vitality -- that is to say awareness.

If these fundamentals are somehow missed, there is a problem. For me the justification to abdicate these physical responsibilities has come for apparently having so "important" things to do that I "don't have time" to take care of myself. This obviously has to change.

First and foremost I commit myself to practice to be more aware by breathing mindfully -- as they say -- or with awareness and being with the breath as others say.

I also commit myself to really have a look at where my time goes into and, especially, how my time goes to various activities. What do I want to do and what do I resist -- that is to say perceive them as something that I have to do. I want to get clarity to where I am in terms of activities and my relationships to them.

I commit myself to also check whether or not my standards are where they need to be -- to see whether they are over the top or under achieving.

Finally I commit myself to take care of my physical. This means good food (vegetables especially) and ample water, moving outside and no alcohol or tobacco. I commit myself to write about this process as it moves forward.

keskiviikko 17. joulukuuta 2014

Day 634 - Back to writing / why do I write?



I haven't been blogging recently. First of all I've procrastinated with writing because I've been busy. I've gone to school and I've worked two jobs, and when I've gotten some free time I've felt too tired to do writing. As an excuse this seems legit.

Yet the problem is what I am procrastinating with: dealing with my stuff. If I abdicate this I'll get into problems with myself regardless of my justification to NOT do it. Days come and go, and within each one there are reactions, thoughts, emotions and feelings that I really should have a look at and direct – or otherwise they will accumulate into consequences that I'd rather avoid.

Thereby I am now again making the stand and the commitment to keep on writing for self-support.

Another point that I've noticed to come up is the fear of doing this through blogging – I mean openly. I've been struggling with this point until I REALLY had a look at what the world was. To explain this – to give a glimpse of what I mean – I'll let a video do the talking:





Like Robert Moore said, humanity is in a crisis of maturity. We can send a person into space, but we are almost void of relationships that work (I mean, in a way that is not a charade). One psychologist who has altered my personal view of things (won't give a name, you don't know him) said that to try and solve things as a researcher is to paint a piece of art with pointillism in a way where each study you do is one point. If this is the case of science and the acuteness of the crisis has been confirmed, I am more than happy to ”share my diary”. Tackling such a crisis is something that everyone should participate in because, quite frankly, it would be stupid to see our societies crumble and fall because of questions of maturity and personal growth!

Some people have also said that this is ”risky” because someone might abuse what they find online about me, I always reply that I am always open for some healthy competition.

So, with psychology being like the ocean measured with tea cups and the crisis is maturity at large, I want to pitch in by writing self-honestly about what I go through. In my travels I've realized that people are pretty much the same everywhere, and thus if I put forth the process that got me forward in life, odds are that someone else can benefit from it as well. This is how I want to pitch in, on top of living my own life, to the problem described above.


Thanks,
Lauri  

maanantai 10. marraskuuta 2014

Day 633 - Judgment through the eyes of others



The experience in at the cafe made me consider why it was so difficult for me to take charge of that situation. This is not to say that it is hard for me to do, I just didn't feel like it, I did it anyway (from the wrong starting point) and felt like shit afterwards. Why? 

I took on this particular situation out of obligation -- I pushed myself -- instead of self-expression which probably would have avoided the "feeling like shit" part.

What obligation and why? 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare what I did at that cafe shop to "create an enjoyable and sociable moment" to what others did or didn't do to reach this end. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that social situations "should" go a certain way -- that this standard is in fact universal and known by all, and that it is something that people should thrive for -- instead of realizing that all expectations I placed on the situation were my own. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the situation to be one where everyone expected me to "initiate" the social situation -- that I'd talk to everyone to show that it was OK and to get everyone going. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be "more than" those at my table.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I am superior to those at my table because I (in my mind) were the one that "had to" initiate the situation for it to flourish or have the situation remain limited by not giving the initiation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be "superior" because I accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust anyone else to "break the ice", and thus, since I was the only one that was going to do it, I had to be "more than" the others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare how I express myself to how others express themselves. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react by feeling "able" -- and by feeling pride for this -- when I see that my expression is more directive, more responsibility carrying and more expressive than others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify taking a "superior position" towards others by thinking that I am not doing it because I want to, but because I apparently have to -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others to be people who do not carry responsibility for the situations that they are in, and thus "boost myself up" even more by lowering others within my head. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek a superior position to "soothe" my insecurities -- that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek situations that prove to me that I am "able" and "superior" instead of "weak" and "inferior". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I define myself through such moments, I can only feel certain when I am within such a moment and such an experience or when I remind myself of such moments and experiences in the past. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider what is self-confidence in fact, but that I've instead accepted and allowed myself to try and create situations that prove that I am "able" and "superior" and not "weak" and "inferior". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by doing this I make myself react by becoming anxious and frustrated if the situation around me isn't one that would define me as "able" and "superior". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this is why I initially reacted to my friends at the cafe -- because if I were to allow the situation to continue as it is  (awkward and quiet), I might get judged as "weak" and "inferior" by living out insecurity with the other people. 

I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others in an attempt to "check" what "value" I am being given in the situation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take this self-judgment and believe that it is actually a standard or an expectation that exists outside of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to these perceived standards with fear that I'll be judged as a "looser", "inferior", "nerd", "weakling" and the like if I just sit there and accept and allow the situation to remain quiet and awkward. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act from this starting point of fear to protect my own idea about myself in the face of my own self-created judgments that I placed within the minds of those around us. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have my expression be directed this way by how I think that those around me judge me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abandon my own expression, and that I accepted and allowed myself to change myself to what I believed and perceived was expected of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abandon my own self-expression to act out in a way that I presume to give those around me the image of me that I want them to have of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to appear relaxed and social in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to appear tolerant and considerate in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to appear wise and smart in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to push myself and to abandon my own actual self-expression, and, in the process, create tiredness and frustration for trying to be someone I am not. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this to control the image others have of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and control this way because I fear that if I don't others will get a "bad image" of me, and I will be shunned, disrespected, bullied or abandoned for it. 


When and as I see myself considering how I must appear to other people from the outside -- and when and as I see myself judging the company I keep apparently "through the eyes of others" -- I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that here I am trying to superimpose and to protect my self-image. I commit myself to remind myself that my self-image is in no way real and what is real is who I actually am and the moment that is actually HERE. I commit myself to stop, face and to release my judgments and my reactions with SF. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and to live the moment instead from within self-awareness, self-stability, breathing and by being HERE in the moment. I commit myself to realize within this that all the judgments that I would have otherwise placed in the minds of others, that would have also changed my behavior a lot, are all in my own mind -- and I am responsible for directing how I accept and allow myself to see the world. 

When and as I see myself starting to direct a situation, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to make sure that I am not doing it from self-obligation. If I am, I commit myself to face and to release the self-obligation, the judgments it originates from and the superiority it hides within it. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and then, once stable, here and within and as breath, I commit myself to explore directing the situation through self-expression. 

When and as I see myself judging myself or others "through the eyes of others", I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this judgment is my judgment even though I've "placed it" into the minds of others. I commit myself to carry responsibility for my own judgment by facing and releasing it, along with my reactions to it, with SF. I commit myself to breathe through the experience and, once stable, to look at the situation again without the influence of my judgments. I commit myself to live without through the situation without allowing myself to participate in the judgments, and by not allowing the judgments to thereby limit me or my expression. 

I commit myself to explore how to live words (such as "relaxed", "social", "tolerant", "considerate", "wise" and "smart"), instead focusing on whether or not I appear in such a way that others think that these words define me. 

I commit myself to explore how to live the words "relaxed" and "social", instead of doing actions, seeking situations and seeking feedback that "prove" that those words define me. 

I commit myself to explore how to live the words "tolerant" and "considerate", instead of doing things, seeking situations and seeking feedback from others that "proves" that those words define me. 

I commit myself to explore how to live the words "wise" and "smart", instead of doing things/saying things, seeking situations and seeking feedback from others that apparently "prove" that those words define me. 

sunnuntai 9. marraskuuta 2014

Day 632 - We had a good time, then why do I feel like shit?




I was at a cafe with my friends. They were quite awkward and they didn't talk to each other. I therefore ”initiated” the situation by talking to everyone and taking everyone in equally. Afterwards I felt like shit. WTF? 



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire sociable friends so that I could have fun social situations. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my friends being quiet and awkward by feeling uncomfortable. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to me feeling uncomfortable by thinking that I have to do something about the situation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to conclude that I'll have to get everyone relaxed and sociable to have the situation that I wanted (where people would talk to each other and have fun) -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to: 1) try to superimpose my view of how the situation should go; 2) to believe and perceive that I have to direct the situation to get this view BECAUSE no one else is doing anything; and 3) that I, from this point onward, started to make the situation more social by feeling like I am burdened to do so by the lack of effort from others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that others are not capable or willing to carry responsibility for the situation at hand by expressing themselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to others who limit/suppress themselves with a fear that I won't be able to live what I want to live with them because the situation will become limited, suppressed and awkward.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my fear with self-obligation by thinking that unless I ”initiate” the situation and ”keep it up” the situation will die out. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus take the limitations and suppressions of others personally and ”on my shoulders”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I take the limitations/suppression of others "on my shoulders" I am not taking on my shoulders that which in fact exists but how I've judged everything to be. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to validate my judgment and blame by obligating myself to act according to them -- at which point I must believe my judgment and my blame or otherwise I wouldn't allow myself to move according to it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I ”have to” do this, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to pity myself for ”having to” do so.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby NOT express myself by myself and for myself when I am with others – but that I've accepted and allowed myself to express to get others to express themselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress myself because of the limitations and suppression of others, instead of me living by myself and for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive (and in this pity myself for) that others do not carry responsibility for their own expression, and thus the world that I will see around me is one that doesn't express – and that this is the world and life experience that I am condemned to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge, and to focus on the judgment, that this is unfair – that it is unfair that I have to only give and others can only take this way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that people cannot change and/or that they won't change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in front of all of this and react with despair.


Interesting how my straight out judgment was tangled in with a more "altruistic" view of directing situations so that everyone would enjoy themselves. Pretty sneaky cloak and dagger play bro, pretty sneaky. 


I commit myself to express myself by myself and for myself within the realization that it is my life that I live – and thereby if I express myself fully I'll have a full life.

When and as I see myself reacting to the people around me because they are not as sociable as I'd want the situation around me to be, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize I am judging others for not giving me the situation that I would have liked to have. I Commit myself to realize that this is absolutely invalid, and that if I go ahead and try to make the situation more sociable from this starting point, I'll end up burdening myself (and in the worst case blaming others for this). I thereby commit myself to face and to release my judgments and my reactions with SF. I commit myself to face and to release my expectations for the situation with SF, and to release my idea/belief/perception that those around me should give me a sociable situation to socialize in. I commit myself to take self-responsibility for own expression and to not allow myself to demand that others "provide the circumstances" in which I apparently can express myself. 

I commit myself to become aware of when I suppress my own expression and blame others for it by thinking that "they are making the situation" into something in which I apparently cannot express myself. At such a time, I Commit myself to face and to release my blame with SF and to express myself! 

When and as I see myself limiting or suppressing my own behavior because I judge other people to be limited or suppressed, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I fear to express myself and I blame others for it – with which I justify to limit and suppress myself. I commit myself to release my judgments and my expectations (about what the situation should be so that I could express myself) with SF and to breathe through the experience. When stable, I then commit myself to express myself by myself and for myself with others in the situation.


I commit myself to carry responsibility for my own despair and powerlessness by directing this point – I commit myself to accept and allow myself to be me by carrying responsibility for my expression, and in not allowing myself to limit myself with how I judge others to be limited.

I commit myself to look at situations where I felt limited or suppressed with self-honesty to see, realize and understand what in fact happened -- if I judged, if I reacted onto that judgment and how I allowed myself to experience and to express myself from there. I commit myself to assist and support myself to differentiate between the things that happen within me (so that I won't confuse plain judgment and blame with for example benevolence again).