torstai 21. elokuuta 2014
It seems that mystery is a quality highly appraised when it comes to opportunities in life and relationships. The thrill of a new job, a new place of study or new people in our lives give us hope that things will change, that new things will come into our lives and that our unfulfilled wants, needs and desires might come true.
I am not sure how many ways there are to approach a mystery or the sense of the unknown. Some might take both as something frighting -- as something to be avoided at all cost. I've approached the unknown and the mysterious with hope. However, from this seeming positive, when I look back, I've often ended up in disappointment. And not only that but I've also often discarded what I have when faced with "a promise" of something better that has apparently come with the unknown and the mysterious. These are obvious signs that there is something more here than the romantic promise of change.
This point is very current for me since I am starting university in a few days and I've seen this pattern arise once more. This time, however, I want to direct the point instead of living through it out like I always have.
Approaching through self.
I'll approach the topic from the perspective of what I would mean if I would say that a woman -- a possible prospect for a relationship -- is "mysterious".
In all simplicity I would mean that I do not know her but the signs that are visible to the surface seem to indicate that she possesses qualities that I seek. Here the unknown, the mystery, in her is like an empty space that I fill with my own fantasies, expectations, wants, need, desires, hopes and dreams.
From here I go into my mind to play out scenarios where I use the image of this person -- an image that I've created myself because, well, I don't really know her yet -- to play out situations and experiences that I would like to live out. None of this is of course real but if I accept and allow myself to believe these fantasies I will live as if they were true -- or as if the promise of them being fulfilled in the future would be true.
With the promise of the fulfillment of my fantasies (promise that I've in fact given to myself) I go into comparison towards what I currently have. This is an expression of fear-driven greed and its manifestations can be questions like "will I miss out?", "do I have the best that I can get" and its more politically correct cousin "am in the right place in life?". Here I accept and allow myself to create doubt towards what I currently have with the unreal promise that there will be something better, and through this comparison, I make my desire to "get something new" and to "discard the old" grow.
This same principle can be applied to anything unknown and mysterious in my life. For example with being accepted to university I've already gone into that process of comparison through which the life that I currently have starts to seem much less glamorous. Yet, as I've shown to myself here, the decreasing appreciation I have for the things that I currently have is the result of comparison where I compare what I currently have to an unknown that I believe to contain everything I've ever hoped for -- there is absolutely no way that "what I have now" can win this fight.
When I look back at my life I don't see anyone that would have lived up to the expectations that I piled on them when I thought them to be "mysterious". Each and every time people have turned out to be people, and, each and every time I've ended up in disappointment. Not because there was anything wrong with the people I got to know, but because the people were always less than my fantasies about them.
I commit myself to face my expectation to determine whether or not they are applicable to reality to begin with.
I commit myself to align my expectations to what life actually is, and, I commit myself to find joy in what reality in fact is instead of chasing after fantasies that ultimately cannot be lived.
When I look back at everything that I've "ruined" (quit or discarded half-way) by downplaying it in comparison to the promise of something better, I see that I've missed many opportunities. I mean, what if "good things in life" are not something that you suddenly stumble upon -- like a "mysterious" girl that will make all of my dreams come true -- but what if they are something that we actually have to work for and build ourselves? In this I must admit that I've missed a lot of good opportunities by quitting half-way because I've accepted and allowed myself to expect that "an ideal life" will fall onto my lap.
I commit myself to face and to carry responsibility for my judgment, fantasies and comparison between what I currently have and what I might have in the future. I commit myself to do this to assist and support myself to live what I have to the fullest instead of being with everything "half-assed" because I believe that one day I could attain something better. I commit myself to do this within the realization of how much life I miss by constantly downplaying the real reality around me with fantasies that aren't necessarily even applicable to reality, and, I commit myself to do this within the realization that the conflict between what my life is and what I fantasize it to be is the main cause for my self-victimizing self-pity and depression.
I commit myself to practice consistency with various projects and relationships by carrying responsibility for my fantasies and my comparative backchat between my reality and my fantasies.
When I look at the pattern itself I can't help but notice that in each scenario I assume that my hopes and dreams will be fulfilled from the outside -- by occupations, places of study and by people. Here I do not consider at all whether or not I could fulfill myself by myself, through my own self-expression! I find it natural and axiomatic that I have to chase after my own happiness through external things while I completely disregard how I've allowed my own expression and happiness to be the result of my own belief- and value systems, onto which I measure the value of my own life.
To put it practically I express myself if I am with someone who is expressive and allow myself to suppress myself if I am with someone who is not. The joy I experience comes from my own self-expression, but the permission to do so comes from the other person. Here my happiness is in fact in my own hands, but I grant myself the permission to apply myself only if certain criteria in my environment are met. And, in this, I make myself dependent on external things even though I wouldn't need to.
I commit myself to test and to expand the borders of my self-expression. To express myself freely with a person who is very self-suppressed, to talk about things that I really go through with people who are deliberately keeping the conversation superficial and to be stable with those who are not. I commit myself to assist and support myself with writing as I free myself from the "permissions" for self-expression given or withheld by my environment.
I commit myself to face my fantasies, expectations, wants, need, desires, hopes and dreams through writing to show myself what parts of my self-expression I am suppressing because I wait for "the right person" or "the right circumstances" to arrive. I commit myself to explore these points carefully to show myself how I am in fact capable of expressing myself and how there is no need to sit idly by as my life runs through my fingers while I wait for the "right conditions" in which to start living.
I commit myself to realize that life is HERE in each and every moment, and that, me living it is not dependent on my circumstances but on how I direct myself within each and every one of these moments.
keskiviikko 20. elokuuta 2014
I am continuing with SF and SCS on my Day 613 post.
1) I realized that when I fear whether or not I'll perform up to standards I don't really focus on what is really going on or what I am really doing. Instead my focus is in trying to convey an image that I think will "fit" the standards that I think that I am under.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself direct myself according to standards that I've created within my mind.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize about these standards that they hold a very large "margin of error".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I've created some of these standards as a child when I didn't understand the situation entirely but jumped to conclusions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I've created some of these standards by simply adopting them from my environment without understanding why they are done -- and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, in some cases, focus more on whether or not the "form" of a situation is held instead of focusing on whether or not the phenomenon that the "form" tries to avoid actually manifest (for example: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get offended because certain level of politeness was not upheld, even though no one got offended by it).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I've created some of these standards through straight out misunderstandings.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I've created some of these standards simply without having enough information on the topic.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I thus act to uphold these standards I am literally allowing myself to "live and die" according to what I guess is expected of me or required of me to attain a certain outcome -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live by guesswork instead of seeking to really understand things in practical reality.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the way to live is to uphold an image, and to avoid having that image be broken at all cost.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that an alternative to this is to live by principles and to work with situations in self-honesty to who you are when those situations are actually here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to uphold an image and to avoid certain things to uphold it -- in this, I commit myself to look out for these images I uphold (or characters) and to face and to let them go with writing, SF and SCS.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others, myself and to compare both "sets of data" to each other to make sure that the image I uphold is not broken.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then react is something, in my eyes, is a threat to the image I pose.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge, compare and react, and thus assume that others do the same.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby believe and perceive that other people set standards for me to -- standards which create these social constructs where a "slip up" is not something that we can simply direct, but one that always carries consequences -- and that I've accepted and allowed myself to face to the "challenge" of this social world by thinking before hand about who I need to be and what are the standards that I'll have to uphold, instead of working with what is here from moment to moment in SELF-forgiveness -- meaning that I give myself a fucking break if something goes wrong instead of plummeting to self-judgment where I claim that my "slip up" will carry a bad consequence instead of it being a situation that needs a small correction.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of all of this, to not really focus on reality but on my thoughts and guesswork about who I need to be to "not slip up".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when part of me is guessing what I should be, all of me is not here dealing with and working with what is here -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the amount of my "processing capacity" that I put into my guesswork is directly out of my "processing capacity" that is used to work with the task at hand.
When and as I see myself reacting to other people -- becoming uneasy around them, anxious about their company because of what "others think", judgmental towards who they are (or who they present themselves as), etc. -- I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that, in all likelihood, this person poses a threat to who I've defined myself to be as a character. I commit myself to thus stop, to breathe and to check myself with self-honesty to see what kind of thoughts and reactions caused my experience towards/with this person, and to realize that I am doing this. I commit myself to expose to myself in self-honesty the system that I see around me with all it's judgments, self-judgments and self-judgments through the eyes of others. I commit myself to stop this system and to breathe through it -- or if I can't let them go, to explore them further with writing, SF and SCS. Once I am stable I commit myself to live the self-correction right there and to live the situation without the reactive and judgmental backchat that I'd would have otherwise used to make my experience unbearable, to judge the people present to be the cause and to mold my world and to create my relationships accordingly.
When and as I see myself doing an act deliberately to attain a certain standard, to be enough for others or to impress others, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that there should by definition only be a single mode of expression: to the fullest. I commit myself to realize that occasionally this is inhibited by things such as tiredness, but to state that I need to "push myself to be enough" only claims that me expressing honestly to the full extent of my expression is not enough; but I have to go "beyond". I commit myself to realize that this pattern causes me to feel strained, like I am not enough and it makes my self-worth connected to how many such deliberate successes (or successes validated by others) I get. I thereby commit myself to face and to release my hidden agendas and motives head on with SF. I commit myself to stop and to breathe through the experience and, once I am stable here, to express that which I Am doing to the fullest FOR ME. I commit myself to seek joy and meaning from the expression itself and to stop judging it though the attainments, achievements and validation it gets.
sunnuntai 17. elokuuta 2014
I guess I've been angry at people in one way or another for most of my life. However recently this point has come up more prominently and I would really like to explore why and to release all the points that I can find.
The first point that I want to have a look at is how I've accepted and allowed myself to be and to see the world as the result of bullying. More points on this topic might come up as time passes, and I'll direct the points when they are here.
First I'd like to direct a point that I realized a few days ago. In short: being bullied made me separate myself from others and kinda go ”I'll show them, I'll do something big and then they'll be sorry”. A very childish statement that stuck with me nonetheless. This point manifests in two ways: 1) I am very competitive when it comes to others; and 2) I downplay everything I achieve so that I can downplay those who haven't achieved what I've achieved.
This pattern is a big contribution to how I feel like I am not really getting anywhere, as well as, how I feel like life doesn't really make sense to me (or more specifically it doesn't give me that much joy to live). Time to open the point up!
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, as the result of being bullied, separate myself from others (because I didn't feel welcome) and to go into a competition with others where I want to ”show them” (my bullies) that they ”made a mistake” by bullying (not welcoming me) me (because if I turned out to be a guy who wins in competition, they would have lost an asset) – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the most effective way to show my bullies that they were wrong is to be more successful than them in life.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, in my self-separation, want/need/desire to do everything by myself to make my achievements ”more special” because I did everything without anyone's help.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others as if they'd get all of their achievements with the help of others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then downplay all of my achievements to downplay the achievements of others by thinking that ”oh look, I was able to do this on my own without any help! It wasn't so hard! It isn't anything special!”.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to downplay everything I do like this, and to thus manifest an experience that no matter what I do I never really achieve anything – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress all joy of succeeding, and to thus live in such a way that succeeding doesn't really give me anything – because I don't give anything to myself on the account of succeeding.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when I am with others to find my ”social standing” within the group – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this instead of just allowing myself to be part of the group.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this comparison to ”make sure” that I don't ”overstep” my social position in the fear that this will lead to the rest of the group, or a few people from the group, to start bullying me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that others are competitive when in fact I am the one who rivals and competes with others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT be myself with others – being with a group by being relaxed with others – and to thus be uncomfortable with others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think from being uncomfortable with others that I don't like people, instead of investigating how I am accepting and allowing myself to be when I am with others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think, as a ”self-defense”, that I didn't want to be with others anyway because (I've allowed myself to judge that) other people are competitive, judgmental, territorial and willing to defend ”their point of view” by attacking those who step outside of thier defined world-view.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compete with others and to project this onto others by judging them as competitive and me as a person who is simply ”responding in kind to survive”.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others in judging them to be judgmental, and that, I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others to survive in an environment that I've judged as judgmental.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others as ”territorial” – meaning that they consider something their own (people, things, order and/or status) – when in fact I am the one being territorial by not allowing people near me and accepting and allowing myself to participate in ”territorial conflicts”.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge that other people are willing to defend their ”point of view” – their values, their status, their idea of how things should be in order and/or their ideas about who and what they own and what is a violation towards that ownership – when it is in fact me who is accepting and allowing myself to react when I feel that other people ”trample over” my ”point of view” – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to get into conflicts about ”points of view” by believing and perceiving that a conflict must come after a reaction – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe this because I accept and allow myself to go into conflict (inner or otherwise) after a reaction – in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to COMPLETELY overlook the possibility of DEFUSING a situation by not accepting and allowing myself to participate in the conflict-situation through conflict.
When and as I see myself doing comparison between me and another (in terms of competence, intelligence, awareness, knowledge, directive ability, leadership, status, social skills, ”quality of the interests we have” or anything else whatsoever), I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am engaging in competition with them either directly or in the fear that they are doing so. I commit myself to realize that I've created this fear from being bullied, in which I created the belief that if a conflict is to happen with me as one of the participants, I can't do anything but to endure the conflict (that there is no way that I can direct or defuse the situation). I thereby commit myself to face and to release the comparison with SF, to breathe through the experience and to live through the situation without competition and rivalry.
When and as I see myself downplaying myself or my achievements, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that this is a habit that has come out of my desire to ”show everyone” that they were ”wrong to not welcome me” (bully me). I commit myself to realize that I downplay myself to downplay the achievements of others, and that, this leads me to feel bad and like I am not doing anything with my life. I commit myself to realize that this ”burden” is what I want to escape most in my life, and how the methods by which I've chosen to escape this are not that constructive (smoking, gaming and entertainment). I thereby commit myself to assist and support myself to walk myself out of this point by, each and every time this point comes up to, facing and releasing my downplay with SF and to find joy in my life and what I accomplish. I commit myself to give myself some credit and to use this credit to be happy at what I live – in this, I commit myself to never use this credit to make myself ”more than” others or others ”less than” me.
When and as I see myself going into comparison and judgment to determine the social order of my environment so that I could mold my behavior to not make any mistakes, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that since I cannot really know whether or not the social order is as I think it to be that or if it is enforced like I think it will be, I, in all likelihood, will superimpose this view on myself and others even though there wouldn't be the need to do so. I commit myself to thus take responsibility for what I accept and allow myself to live out and to face and to release my comparison and judgment with SF, to breathe through the experience and to live in the moment with others without the burden of my own self-created social rules and standards. I commit myself to do this in the trust that I can manage simply by using common sense, and without extensive fear-driven consideration about what is proper and what is not. I commit myself to live through situations like this within and as breath, and to thus through practical living, without my own opinions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs superimposed upon it, see what my social environment and my possibilities within it in fact are.
When and as I see myself judging a future event as something that I don't really want to go to, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that in all likelihood I am in fact feeling a resistance for how the way I would direct myself in that situation would make me feel. I commit myself to realize that I am responsible for my own self-direction and that if a situation would cause me to live by reaction, that situation would hold something that I've not faced within myself. I thereby commit myself to direct my focus from the justifications of why not to go to what I am really reacting to. I Commit myself to face and to release that with writing, sf and scs and to see if in common sense I should go there to face the point. I commit myself to live what supports me to grow in self-honesty and, through action, to accept and allow myself to expand myself and my comfort-zone.
When and as I see myself judging others to be something, I commit myself to make sure that I am not doing the exact same thing. If I see that I am, I commit myself to direct my focus on to direct the point within myself.
When and as I see myself going into fear and self-limitation so that I wouldn't get into conflict with anyone, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that the very essence of this fear is the belief that I will have to avoid the start of a conflict at all costs because when one starts there is no going back. I commit myself to realize that I fear that I won't be able to stop the conflict because of pride and/or ”seeming weak and submissive” and that I fear that the other won't stop either because of pretty much the same reasons. However, I commit myself to realize that in this I am overlooking the ability to stop that both have, and thereby I commit myself to face and to release my fear and my self-limitation with SF, to breathe through the experience and to work with the situation AS it progresses. In this, I commit myself to realize that if I don't hold on to a pre-conceived idea about what has to happen in the situation, I won't live that idea out as a self-fulfilling prophecy either. And in all of this, I commit myself to put my focus onto directing situations instead of keeping my focus on ”holding the situation perfect” in the fear that if a mistake is made everything will go to hell.
torstai 14. elokuuta 2014
After watching an episode of engineering connections the Youtube related links brought me to a series called hot like us. I decided to watch an episode for shits and giggles and the series turned out to be much like the next top model except that it features modeling couples.
I've never done this before, and thus, I found it very interesting to focus on what kind of judgments and reactions watching these people brought up in me. The judgments and the reactions were not the main point in themselves but I took everything in as points that were already in me -- points that watching the series triggered.
Right, so let's get down to it!
1) I realized that when I fear whether or not I'll perform up to standards I don't really focus on what is really going on or what I am really doing. Instead my focus is in trying to convey an image that I think will "fit" the standards that I think that I am under.
Now this is a fascinating point because when I try to convey that image I (apparently) try to give my best performance. However when I look at where my focus is, I am not here giving my best performance, but part of me is somewhere else trying to live out an image in the fear that if I don't my performance won't be enough.
Firstly every piece of me that is focused on this stress and fear is away from doing the activity itself. Secondly, when approaching things like this, it makes me feel like a person driving a submarine. By this I mean that I am not dealing with my environment directly but indirectly through my thoughts just like a submarine doesn't really see the oceanic environment around it but only a representation of it through sonar. Unlike a sonar my thoughts have a HUGE margin of error and often times I don't even understand how "off" my thoughts are from the truth until I learn something new about my reality!
Thereby when I act with my environment indirectly (when I try to live out an image) instead of directly (directing myself and interacting with my environment moment by moment) I actually make it more difficult for me to act and mistakes to become more likely even though I think that I am "giving my best performance" while doing this.
2) Now it is also very interesting to look at what happens when things don't pan out like I planned -- when the image I tried to convey didn't bring about the results that I intended. What are the defense mechanisms that will pop up?
One thing I do is try to escape the situation, either physically or by directing the situation to focus on something else.
Another thing that I do is to try and explain the situation away, either to myself or to those who were involved. In this I try to make sure that my idea about the situation is one that doesn't present me in a "bad light" -- to put it simply, I explain the situation in my head in such a way that my failure wasn't so bad. Sometimes I even go ahead and present this view to others. I do this to either make sure that no one has "the wrong idea" about the situation to make sure that I'd "save face" OR to convince myself that how I explained everything in my head is true -- as if the belief and validation of others would make my excuses real.
3) Now for most of the time we are able to keep the social situation with each other "pleasant" -- a caricature would be to talk about the weather.
Sometimes this pleasant surface is broken and people tend to react to it. Sociology describes this as a "breach in trust" -- trust in the "unspoken agreement" that you demonstrate good will towards people by not breaking the pleasant surface. When the surface is then broken it often provokes backchat about why the other person chose to do this instead of simply keeping things pleasant.
It is very reactive territory to ask why another didn't choose to have a welcoming and a pleasant moment with me, and, at least in my case, when the reactions and backchat like this starts to come up the reason that "broke the pleasantness" (like shit that people actually need to talk about) is covered underneath.
This is a very fascinating point because here again I do not interact with my environment directly but I try to indirectly guess what is "really going on" from how people act. I try to guess my own value in the eyes of others as well as the "true" experiences, motives and desires of people. Here I've realized that my side of things is nothing but guesswork, but I still fall into the patterns because I fear that others will take their guesswork as "the truth" instead of working with what is actually here in the moment to find out what is going on.
4) The last point has a lot to do with the previous point. When something happens and the "perfect and pleasant picture" is broken I often react as if an irreversible mistake has been made and now there is no other choice but to face the consequences -- such as hurt emotions or outright conflict. Because of this point my main focus is in "keeping everything perfect" instead of directing myself when self-direction is needed -- I mean, when I really look at it, who I am as a person comes out of how I deal with these "breaches in pleasantness" and outright conflict instead of how well I can uphold a "perfect and pleasant image".
The point that I have to look at here is my fears which make me give up so quick after the "perfect and pleasant image" is broken. Why am I so convinced that something bad happened and now it will be shit for everyone instead of moving myself to sort out the situation?
SF & Commit up next!
tiistai 12. elokuuta 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that people -- in general apart from a few exceptional people -- are very submissive when it comes to their own thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that everyone has problems.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that because everyone has problems and almost everyone is submissive towards the thoughts, feelings and emotions that the problems create, thereby many are struggling with their problems.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define "a person who struggles with their problems" as a person who cannot direct his/her problems and/or as a person who has defined his/her problems as something that will always be part of their life.
I Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a person who has submitted to their problems (who believe that they can never really overcome them) as a person who will only seek forms of release for their problems.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that most people in the world are people who only seek a release for their problems.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to talk to, to open up to and to support people because I fear that they will start to use me as a release for their problems without any intention of really solving their issues -- in others words I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to help others because I fear that my help will be in vain and that my help will be abused by it being used as nothing but a release.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will enter relationships with people who I have to "release" periodically without the other person ever changing, and if I refuse to always be the "release valve" the other person will react with hurt and anger.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if others get angry and hurt because I don't want to help them, they will tell about this other people and people will come to believe and perceive that I am bad person -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others by evaluating through the eyes of others in fear of the worst.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive this world-view so completely that I've accepted and allowed myself to act towards other people as if this was true -- that they are people who are submissive towards their thoughts, feelings and emotions created by their problems, and they thus simply seek a release instead of a solution for their problems, and that, they will react to me if I do not provide this release.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to keep people at a distance because I fear getting close to people because I fear that this relationship will force me into a role of supporting others to release their problems over and over again.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live a life where I to an extent avoid getting close to people, and thus avoid putting myself into a situation where my fears didn't come true even though I got close to someone for real.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be limited by my fear this way instead of going out into the world to really explore if the entire world is one with and equal to my initial experiences of it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in this fear and to thus create my relationships accordingly -- that is to say that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this fear of relationships become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to avoid interacting with people because I fear to have relationships with people because I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I Am responsible for the thoughts, feelings and emotions of others.
I commit myself to make my main priority and my main responsibility to take care of myself and to direct myself, my thoughts and my feelings & my emotions.
When and as I see myself feeling responsible to solve a problem of another, I commit myself to make sure that I: a) really see the problem; and b) that I am NOT trying to solve the issue by myself. In this, I Commit myself to practice how to assist others to solve their own problems and to apply SF, SCS and writing to each and every time I find myself assuming the responsibility that belongs to others completely.
I commit myself to meet new people in my world with the same kind of openness as I meet foreigners who, as far as I know, can have completely different beliefs, customs and ways from mine -- in this, I commit myself to extend the same kind of openness to the people I meet, and to in this allow others to show me who they are instead of deciding beforehand who they are.
When and as I see myself deciding before hand who a person is or what an event will be, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to remind myself that this is all guesswork. I commit myself to release my guesswork with SF and to meet the person/the situation without these pre-created expectations.
In all of this, I commit myself to shift my starting point of avoiding people and relationships because I apparently know what they'r going to be INTO meeting people and accepting and allowing myself to get to know people in patience according to WHAT REALLY HAPPENS.
I commit myself to prove my fears wrong by going out into the world and meeting people and going to events without expectations.
I commit myself to assist and support others from the clear starting point that THEY are the ones who carry the final responsibility for themselves. I commit myself to hold it as an axiom that it is the responsibility of each one individually to sort out their own problems, and thus, I commit myself to REALLY assist and support others to do THAT, instead of trying to solve the problems of others for them. I realize that this is first of all impossible and second of all it will strain me and make me create expectations on how the other should "get better" (which then in turn creates problems in the relationship because nothing ever goes like we'd expect in these matters).
sunnuntai 10. elokuuta 2014
I realized that when I let my mind race and I start to feel restless, I get the desire to smoke. I get the desire to have a smoking moment and the calming effect of tobacco to calm me down. Yet, the starting point of -- that which I want to calm down from -- is my own creation: it is the result of how I've directed myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to race in my mind without realizing that this is the cause of much of my restlessness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to race in my mind when thinking what to do -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to plan out my day by stressing about what all I have to get done.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to plan my day through stress because I fear that I won't get enough done.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't push myself -- that if I don't beat my resistance to do stuff -- I won't be able to get anything done; in this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that of course I will stress when doing things, and thus of course it will be stressful for me to do things.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept stress as a natural part of doing stuff -- apart from entertaining myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize to look at why I stress when I do stuff apart from entertainment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear doing activities that are "serious" (as opposed to entertainment that is not serious), and thus do them in a stressful way -- stress that I put myself under to apparently keep myself from failing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I have to "keep myself sharp" with stress and fear because otherwise I wouldn't be able to see everything that I'd need to do in everything in order to succeed -- in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to state that the way I'd do things naturally (as me and without stress) would not be enough and it would thus lead to failure.
When and as I see myself starting to plan out my day, I commit myself to breathe and to make sure that I do this from a calm starting point. I commit myself to make sure that there aren't any standards that I apparently have to live up to, but that I plan my day by looking at what I would like to get done today so that my choice would be honest towards what is possible and what actually supports me -- in this, I commit myself to make sure that I see what I desire to do and what the true consequence of that is (for example playing an entire day doesn't support me even though I'd might desire to do so).
When and as I start and activity and I see myself going into restlessness, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to realize that I am the one who is accelerating myself -- and that this experience is what I'd then want to calm down with smoking. I commit myself to thereby have a look at "my point of view" -- how I approach the thing that I am doing -- and to release this, my stressful relationship to what I am doing, with SF. I commit myself to breathe through my experience and to focus on directing myself one breath at a time. In this, I Commit myself to practice going about my stress more and more without stress.
lauantai 9. elokuuta 2014
I've seen myself react more and more to the problems that people around me face. Here instead of helping others I often react, get angry and/or resistant towards them.
In my mind this pattern has got some wild justifications that can be summed up by saying that I believe people to have problems deliberately. Deliberately because everyone apparently would have the opportunity to investigate themselves and their practical issues regardless of their upbringing, socialization and emotional state.
This blame comes from the belief that responsibility must be carried and if someone refuses to do so it falls on those who don't... in this case me. I fear this immensely, and, regardless of how I justify it with what I think that people should do, I must face this point "by the numbers" and go back to the beginning by asking myself "when was the first time that I wanted to get out of helping another?".
It all dates back to my family life which was quite unstable when I was really young. Here the instability of others made me put a lot of effort into helping them to thus ensure that I'd be OK. Throughout the years I had many experiences with my family where I would do everything I could to stabilize those around me, the situation would calm down and we would have a moment of tears, thank yous and promises of change. The problem was that they never came to pass. After a week or two the instability returned and I would try my best to keep everything together again.
After a decade or so I was very tired of this pattern. Everything I did had stared to feel futile and I felt extremely powerless when it came to other people. On top of this I felt abused. I felt like I had missed my childhood, being supported by others and being taught by others in trying to be a parent to my own parents. I was also crushed by the fact that nothing had actually changed.
It was here, a little over a decade ago, that I decided to never be abused again. I did this by allowing myself to believe that I was used as a band-aid (without the other person having any intention of self-correction) and that every relationship would ultimately be like this -- that love itself would be like this.
This made me steer clear of social activities (which I had defined as shallow to begin with) because I feared that getting close to a person would mean that they would rely on me for support -- an act that I had defined as the unloading of your problems on a person like a wheelbarrow full of shit, and then going off to fill it up again without a care in the world because now you had someone to dump it on over and over again. Any refusal in the matter would of course lead to a tear filled guilt trip where my love for the person and my ability for compassion as a person would be brought into question.
Through out time I accepted and allowed myself to view others through this belief. In this I've not allowed myself to trust others to have the will to solve their problems, and I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that instead of seeking solutions people seek comfort to stabilize their problematic lives. I've accepted and allowed myself to fear relationships and supporting others because of how I saw my relationship to my family.
The emotional charge behind the way I see the world, how I refuse to help others and how I've allowed myself to define people in need as abusers comes from my distant past. It has nothing to do with the people that I interact with now and it doesn't describe them in anyway whatsoever. Yet I've allowed myself to create my idea of how things are through this emotional charge, in effect creating a bleak world view because of an uncorrected childhood trauma.
SF & Commits up next.
SF & Commits up next.