maanantai 15. lokakuuta 2012

Day 160-163 - Being on the computer part 3: League of Legends



League of legends is a game where you control a single character from above with other players against other players in a forest with two forts that each have defensive turrets. There are computer controlled monsters on your side, the enemy side and on the neutral side (they will only attack if they are attacked first). Each character has the same numerical stats, and built upon and dependent upon these stats each champion (character) has unique skills and abilities. There is a store that has the same items on sale for all and killing/destroying enemy minions, neutral monsters, turrets or enemy champion gives money. The goal is to destroy the enemy base.

DesigningI've kept to myself most of my life and entertained myself by thinking about things. In this, I've enjoyed planning, calculating and designing. Being within my mind has been a "safe place" where I can "tune out" from the reality around me to think about something else.

In League of Legends I enjoy crunching the numbers that are involved with designing my ”character builds”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from my environment to my mind to plan, design and calculate my game character in LoL. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to "tune out" from my environment whenever there is something in it that makes me react, instead of directly facing what it is that is making me react. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not actually able to hide from my environment into my mind because I am always here whether I pay focus to what is here or not.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use thinking about alternative game realities as a way to escape the moment that I am currently living in. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that league of legends merely offers me a context within which to design and calculate and because the context is not real my designs and calculations do not attain anything real.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the rewarding experience I get from playing league of legends according to my designs, plans and calculations is manifested from my process of designing, calculating and planning.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to play LoL because I've spent time planning my strategies and designing/calculating how to build my character.


I commit myself to assist and support myself to not accept and allow myself to escape the moment around me into designing, planning and calculating stuff in my mind and to be aware of my surroundings at all times to face why I've sought to escape my surroundings into my inner-reality of thought. 

When and as I see myself experiencing a resistance towards the moment and I see myself escaping the moment into my inner-reality of thought I stop, I breathe and I look directly at what it is that I am reacting to. I will make note of it and I will no longer accept and allow myself to escape my environment into the mind to plan, design and calculate, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to remain oblivious to why I react the way I do. 


The thrill of learning: when I started to play League of Legends I wasn't that good. I got irritated for constantly dying and not knowing what to do. It was this irritation that drove me to play more - I wanted to "prove" that I didn't suck. This implies that, as with other games, I used this game as a way to reflect upon how good I am.

Then I started to understand what the game was about and this learning was a rewarding experience. I started to overcome my initial obstacles and I gradually started to play well. Here all the things I realized about the game felt like my own realizations. This was a point by which I defined myself as "smart", "able to learn" and "able to master" without realizing that what I was learning and mastering was an illusory series of pictures on my computer screen.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to believe and perceive that if I win in a game I am "better than" others because I am "better than" someone else as dictated by the game. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to believe and perceive and believe that if I loose in a game I am "worse than" others because I am "worse than" someone else as dictated by the game. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to take it personally when I loose within a game by experiencing myself as "worse than" other players on the server - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to want/need/desire to "prove" that I am not a "looser" by playing a round where I win. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to take it personally when I win within a game by experiencing myself as a "good player", as a person who "gets the job done", as someone who can "outwit his opponents" and as someone who is able to execute the practicality of the game better than others and therefore experience myself as "better than" other people. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to not realize that I am me regardless of how the little illusory figures move on my screen. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to be and become addicted to the momentary experience of winning I get from games as it compensates for my general experience of "not being good enough". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to not realize that the experience of winning in a game can only last for a moment after which I am faced again with who I am and what my world is. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to believe and perceive that I am someone who understands, learns and progresses because I managed to understand how League of Legends works and to utilize what I've learned to win.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to define myself according to the situations, events and phenomenon I am able to see myself create around me, get to experience and get to participate in by feeling good about myself and my life if I get to experience what I want to experience and by feeling bad if I don't, which implies that I see no inherent value in myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to seek the illusory experience of being "better than" another that I get by winning in games to compensate for/escape the lack of such experiences in my real life.


When and as I play a game I breath and I realize that everything I experience is caused by a screen of light in front of me and all other value I give it is through my mind - a self-creation. 

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop "balancing out" my existence with illusory experiences to actually and practically face what I live and how I experience myself. 

I commit myself to become aware of when I play games to compensate for a lack of experiences in real life - when I play out of boredom or feeling "not good enough" - and to stop myself and to face what I experience directly instead of compensating for the experience with games so that I don't have to face what I really experience. 


Illusory progressI enjoy seeing the situations where my ideas, plans, realizations, designs and calculations ”come to life” in the simulated reality of the game because I've invested myself into the game through the process of learning how to play and designing my character builds. With my self-investment these situations became rewarding and it made me feel ”able” - like I "got the job done" - and my "reward" was being better than someone else, gaining in-game money and gaining experience point for my account that unlocked new features.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to look at the various features and characters that I am able to unlock and decide what I want to unlock, and by this invest myself in the game and to pre-create my future into one where I play the game. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to set a goal for myself to unlock a certain features and to therefore see value in playing the game over and over to get the points to do it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to invest myself into the game by practicing what I've realized about the game to "prove" that "I do not suck" while "grinding" the game to get the points to unlock what I've decided that I want to unlock. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to invest myself into the game by thinking how to be able to play better to "prove" that I do not "suck" like I did in the matches that I lost without realizing that it was I who defined myself to "suck" and therefore it was I who supported myself to play more by wanting/needing/desiring to see positive reflection about myself from my computer screen. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to define myself as "competent", "a good strategist", "a skilled player", "a good team player" and/or "a good leader" when the shapes on my screen play out a story where the character controlled by my keyboard and mouse wins. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to define myself as "not good enough" when the shapes on my screen play out a story where I win.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to not realize that the experiences of attainment and winning that I get from league of legends are my own creations as it was I who invested myself into this game. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to validate the experiences I get from playing league of legends by believing that because other players are playing it too they make the experience real by being real human beings. 


When and as I play a game I realize that all I am doing is staring at a screen, sit and move my hands fingers. 

I commit myself to take responsibility for what I invest myself in within the realization that through self-investment I am able to make anything relevant for myself and therefore I must always carry responsibility to consider what I commit myself to by myself and for myself instead of just being guided by what feels good. 

I commit myself to assist and support myself to define myself according to my physical existence and to stop defining myself and to stop creating my experience according to artificial realities of games through my mind. 


Illusory socializationI started to play this game because people I know were playing it. After I did this, I noticed that it was very easy to communicate to these people about the game. We shared our experiences openly - something that I rarely experience with the people I know. However this openness occurred only when talking about the game. When the conversation about the game was over, no other conversation with open sharing arose. In this I realized that LoL is again a substitute that creates phenomenon such as open sharing, but because the game is not real nothing real is being shared and the sharing holds no relevance.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to validate my experiences of seeing my plans, designs and calculations "come to life" by sharing about them to others I know to play the game to get positive feedback.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter how much my illusory experiences of gaming get validated, they will never become real in fact. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to talk about LoL to others to have something to talk about, instead of sharing about something real and creating communication about relevant things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into believing that I am having an open conversation with another when I am talking openly about experiences that I've gotten from games. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to talk about LoL when I "have nothing to talk about", and within this not face why I experience myself as "having nothing to talk about".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to validate my illusory experiences of accomplishment within LoL by talking about my illusory experiences to others playing the game and getting positive feedback in return.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give positive feedback to others when they tell me about their experiences within LoL to make them feel good with me and to have them thus like my company.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to create relationships based upon that which is real by talking about unreal things and doing unreal things with others. 


I commit myself to communicate with people directly as myself and to assist and support myself to stop communicating to people through an imaginary and illusory context such as a game I play or a game character I have. 

I commit myself to stop communicating about games to have something to talk about, and in this I commit myself to face these situations for what they are instead of hiding from my experiences of awkwardness by talking about games. 

I commit myself to build my relationships upon that which is real. 

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