maanantai 12. marraskuuta 2012

Day 187-188 - Struggling with tiredness, letting go of pre-planning.


I wrote down points that happened the first day, then I cross-referenced and filled stuff the next day. 



Today I woke up at 6:30. I felt umm... cold and vulnerable, and thus I started to do easy chores like self-education through watching documentaries.

When I accepted and allowed myself to do this my day didn't really start because the starting point of doing these easy tasks was to escape from my experience of tiredness.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being tired: being slightly numb, drowsy and getting cold easily.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can't escape the experience because I perceive and believe it to be physical.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to escape my experience of tiredness instead of moving myself out of it - instead of even considering how to move myself out of it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I "have to" endure the experience of being tired. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use being tired as an excuse to do easy tasks. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to state that I am unable to do more complex tasks when I am tired even through I have not actually tested this out or considered that I am able to do these tasks slower, and that I have not considered that I am able to assist and support myself to wake up with tasks that actually require focus and effort. 


I commit myself to keep on facing this experience of tiredness and to explore myself within it to direct and to stand up within it.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stand up to the experience of tiredness by starting my day regardless of it to explore how I am able to assist and support myself to wake up more effectively. 

I commit myself to face how I use tiredness as and excuse and to assist and support myself to stop this and to assist and support myself to live in such a way that tiredness manifests less and less in my life - to have less and less "opportunities" to use tiredness as an excuse. 


I played LoL while watching the documentaries. I did this to escape my experience of tiredness - not having to just be here with my experience of tiredness but having something to direct my focus for me - something that requires focus and is easy at the same time - to "keep me awake". I understood the documentaries pretty well but I had to go through them at least twice. While playing and studying was an effective combo (in that I actually expanded my world to encompass what was said in the documentaries in their totality), I also played from the starting point of wanting to escape my experience. I am sure that this kind of multitasking is cool as long as the starting point thereof is clear.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look into a game to direct me so that I wouldn't have to direct myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play league of legends to escape my experience of tiredness, in that when I focus on the game the game directs my experience for me and I don't feel that tired (though I don't play that well).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to escape my experience of tiredness because I've accepted and allowed myself to fear enduring it because it is physical in inescapable - but instead something that I have to direct and live myself out of. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself within my relationship to tiredness to realize that I've defined myself to be "less than" my own tiredness in accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't be able to wake up on my own accord - to direct my experience of tiredness. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate with waking up by doing easy tasks and playing games in the morning. 


I commit myself to not escape my experience of tiredness to easy tasks or game, but to face it directly.

I commit myself to stop using games to escape experiences. 

I commit myself to stop playing games to keep myself entertained. 

I commit myself to investigate why it is that I have a hard time doing what I need to do on the account of frustration and boredom. 

I commit myself to assist and support myself through tiredness within the realization that what I do is what I become.


I then had to go meet some people, at which point I "woke myself up" with coffee.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to escape the experience of being tired by drinking a large mug of coffee.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to wake myself up (to direct my own experience) by taking substances (such as coffee) to create my experience for me. 


I commit myself to drink water instead of coffee in the morning.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to take direct responsibility for my own experience instead of using substances to create my experience for me.

I commit myself to buy a water filter.


I had some thoughts about meeting this guy hat I met. I let go and everything went better than expected when I just staid in breath and let go of the previous considerations.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to worry about how things will go on the account that I am tired and thus not able to direct myself to my "full potential". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not direct myself to my "full potential", I will fuck-up. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear tiredness as a state where I am not able to live up to my "full potential" and therefore I will fuck-up. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the prospect of failing and that I rather worry about my own performance than direct what happens around me as it happens.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider self-responsibility when considering how to live in realizing that I can direct each situation as an equal participant - straighten out misunderstandings, making sure that what I say is understood like I meant it (if indications arise that this should be otherwise).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to carry responsibility and self-responsibility because I fear that even though I would try to straighten out misunderstandings (and the like) I won't necessarily succeed - thus denying that I have almost infinite opportunities to "set things right".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I plan to avoid what I fear and to get what I desire and in this I compromise myself for my fears and my desires by not living who I really am. 


I commit myself to assist and support myself to live through situations as myself - without moving myself according to what I've previously thought about a situation but according to the situation itself - according to what is. 

I commit myself to investigate why I project to future situations the way I do to determine, face and sort out my fears and my wants, needs and desires. 

I commit myself to face situations without pre-conceived ideas to assist and support myself to test around to see what I actually live and what is actually possible, and to see what I manifest without pre-conceived ideas.


Then I came home and I watched more documentaries - it was a series of 5 movies (4x25min,1x45min). This made my tiredness reappear, like "oh yeah, morning (starting to do stuff), I am not over you yet".


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project myself into my computer screen to such an extent that I loose track of my physical and my breath. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breathe when I am at the computer.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I actually need to move myself through what I face and what I experience; in that if I just ignore something through playing games for example, I am not really directing the point and it will come back again after I am done with distracting myself.


I commit myself to practice breathing here when being on the computer.

I commit myself to (assist and support myself to) stop using being on the computer as an excuse not to be here in breath.

I commit myself to face and direct my experience instead of escaping it into playing games believing that this will solve the issue in anyway whatsoever. 


I went to a meeting that went well. Again, I noticed myself projecting to the situation to determine how to act there, but then I stopped to see how the situation will go without out them. 

I was not that tired there because I was breathing on my way there.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear facing situations without having thought about how it will go, what will I do there and how others that are present will be. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear entering situations as just myself without having a pre-conceived idea about everything. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize to move myself in breath to direct my own experience without pre-conceived plans to determine what purpose they actually serve.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to direct myself out of tiredness through breathing and moving myself - as I proved to myself when walking to the meeting. 


I commit myself to practice breathing and through the application of breathing challenge the experiences that I experience in my day to day life. 

I commit myself to stop projecting to future situations from the starting point of fear, and in this I commit myself to investigate how I project to future situations to see what I fear and to practice how to plan without desire and without fear. 

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