Recently I've re-visited many memories where the "problem" seems to be that I just went with my initial reaction. What I mean by this is that if I were the guy above I would have freaked out at the words and from this moment onward not really even try to read them but only think "gaah!" when I look at them.
Reacting in itself ain't a biggie but if I go ahead and stick with my initial reaction, I will leave all other avenues unexplored. What all can be done? I have all the time in the world to find out so it doesn't matter if I cannot answer this question right away, but what I can know for certain is that I won't even attempt to find out if I hold on to just one reaction. To me our inquisitive nature is part of what makes us truly human, and thereby if "who I am" is starting to override that then "who I am" is in a dysfunctional state.
Often enough my reactions happen very quickly meaning that at a moment's notice I've accepted and allowed myself to dive head first into an experience. Conflicts are a good example of these kinds of "quick reactions".
Going over situations and seeing how my participation in my reactions (not second guessing at all) made them happen made me realize the following: to really test myself as my reactions to see who I really am and who I am only by self-given definition that is affirmed with relationships, I must give myself a real choice before diving head first into the reactions/experience that I've always accepted and allowed myself to dive into. All I need to do is to realize that it is me here when these patterns of reaction and experience manifest. If they be illusive, I can write, and when and as a situation that I understand otherwise or have faced through writing is here, I breathe and I won't allow myself to just dive straight into the experience or reaction like I've always done.
I commit myself to practice to breath, relax and slow myself down through out my day as much as possible and regardless of activity to assist and support myself to live as much relax and in breath as possible.
I commit myself to stabilize myself through this exercise and to assist and support myself to become aware of those "quick reactions" with it.
I commit myself to explore my experiences and reactions with writing to assist and support myself to become aware of my reactions and my experiences when they happen and to actually direct them instead of repeating the same patters over and over.
What I've written here is a realization of what to become aware of in the first place - about where to place my starting point. A realization that I am not a mind realizing stuff about the physical, but a physical being who has a mind.