lauantai 12. tammikuuta 2013

Day 241 - Feeling like I've not done enough (being hard on myself in the face of my ideals)

Yes, as Life that is in constant growth. 

I've been applying the following self-corrective statement for the past few days:

"When and as I see a resistance towards continuing carrying out my daily endeavors and a desire to have some time for myself/rest, I stop, I breathe and I check my physical experience with self-honesty to determine my actual condition, and this is what I will base my decision on. I commit myself to do this within the understanding that "I become what I do" and that I should listen to my physical in self-honesty over my self-interest." 

A few nights now even though it has been time for me to rest, I've still felt like I hadn't done enough and I've had trouble falling asleep.

In closer inspection I realized that each time I procrastinated during this past week I created an ideal, or a goal, on what to do and on what timetable. I make these plans to "compensate" for me accepting and allowing myself to not carry my responsibilities in exchange for doing something fun(er). Whenever I then "fall short" from executing these plans I start to feel frustrated because I feel that I fail "compensate" for my "short comings" - all of this is self-defined.

The problem within this is that the ideals or the frustrations don't take into account the reality of things. I might have had a productive day and still have trouble sleeping because I said to myself during the past week that I would get a project done by the day that is tomorrow and because I procrastinated on other days I now face a situation where regardless of my extremely productive day I won't be able to hold on to the timetable I set for myself. In this I create additional stress even after a day I managed to be effective - thereby I almost make void the effort I put into my responsibilities that day by associating it with more stress instead of giving myself some credit and gifting myself a good night's sleep - supporting myself to "fall short" by focusing exclusively on that instead of supporting myself to become more effective by focusing on what I do achieve.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each time I promise myself to do something later I create an ideal by thinking how things will unfold in the future. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot promise with absolute certainty what I will do in the future, and that doing so is a disadvantage for me because I create pressure for myself to perform according the promises (the ideals) I've made - because I carry each one of them with me by occasionally focusing on what I should get done instead of just focusing on directing myself in the moment. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the promises (ideals) I make to myself do not take into consideration reality, and thereby when I say that "I will get this done in a week" I am promising something that I just cannot know - and in this even though I would miss my timetable with valid reasons, I will still feel frustrated for breaking a promise (ideal) to myself if I accept and allow myself to hold on the promise (ideal). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that things are done when they are done and the only real way that I can help myself to do what I need to do is by doing what I need to do in the moment that is here. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am making myself less effective than I could be by making promises to myself that I cannot keep by which I then dis-encourage myself - and then try to act from that state of dis-encouragement. 

When and as I see myself feeling frustrated for "not being good enough" or "not having done enough" I stop, I breathe and I check myself for any and all ideals and goals that I've set for myself and that I've not lived up to. I check myself with self-honesty to see why I didn't live up to my own ideals and goals. I face the points with patience, understanding and humility towards the fact that even though I can think up a "perfect version of myself" I am not that unless I actually am it - and that no amount of frustration will speed up the process. I check myself with self-honesty for points where I am too hard on myself within my process of practicing to be effective from a lifetime of laziness. I check myself with self-honesty for points where I accepted and allowed myself to "fall" into my patterns of laziness because of mere self-interest. In doing these check-ups I won't accept and allow my frustration to remain a mere unknown frustrating experience, but I will reveal to myself how I've actually created it. I will do self-forgiveness accordingly and I will breathe through the experience, thus assisting and supporting myself out of the feeling of frustration within the realization that the frustration is a useless disadvantage. I will design how to act the next time I face the same points to assist and support myself to avoid "falls", procrastination, doing commerce with promises and "being hard on myself" as the causes for my frustration, and to assist and support myself to focus on what I am able to do in each and every moment within and as breath. 

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