It was an evening of a day when I didn't get as much done as I planned - this was the day when I wrote the ideals post. When I was in bed I thought about how I didn't do as much as I had hoped, and this made me feel frustrated. Stopping the thought and just laying there in my bed breathing stopped the accumulating frustration, but it also felt like something was missing - like I had forgotten something.
Whenever I started to think (what's missing?), I went back into the frustrated experience of "ooh, I fell short today".
I found this quite fascinating. It was as if stepping outside of a habit made me feel like I had forgotten something - as if I "should have" thought that I "fell short" after the day that I've had. I mean that was what was "missing" from the moment because previously (a decade at least) I've through that I have "fallen short" when facing a day when I failed to do what I planned (previously I only had a lot less plans).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that part of "who I am" consists of habits of thought - when I "fall short", I think "damn, I fell short (self-judgment/self-blame)" - without considering the practical consequences of this habit, because I've not considered myself to have a choice because I've defined such thoughts as "who I am".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not my thoughts, but the origin of my thoughts - and that I thereby am capable of directing what I think (as well as create myself in a way that I can't - and if I've done this, re-create myself in a way that I can do so again).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to feel frustrated about falling short of my plans for the day, instead of looking at the practical reasons that made this happen from which to create practical solutions that will assist me in the future.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel like something is missing when I live contrary to my habits.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only way to change a thought habit is to do something else at the moment this habit would manifest itself.
I Commit myself to check the practical consequences of my thought patters - the experiences I create with them and the consequences of the experience into what I live and do.
I Commit myself to stop defining ways of thoughts as "who I am" but as ways I am able to think if I so choose - and as thoughts, feelings and emotions are interlinked I Commit myself to stop defining myself as a person who feels a certain way, but treat feelings and emotions as expressions that I am capable of if I so choose. In this, I Commit myself to focus on what I actually live instead of what I think and how I experience about life.
I Commit myself to breathe through the experience of "something is missing" when I step outside of my patterns.