maanantai 14. tammikuuta 2013

Day 244 - Thoughts ain't free of consequences.

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I live with two people and I've noticed how my experience influences my backchat about them.

Days when I am quite stable, nothing bad has happened, everything is going according to plans (etc) are quite alright. I am clear when talking to my roommates and I do not backchat about someone making a mess or not doing the dishes as promised. 

Days when shit has hit the fan since the moment I opened my eyes are not that alright. Because of my underlying experience of frustration (for example), I often find myself backchatting about the most mundane thing to exert/release* my experience.

I've realized that trying to release my frustration (for example) through angry backchat will only make my experience grow - acting from the experience enforces the experience. 

I've also noticed that if I accept and allow myself to exert/release* my experience of frustration (for example) onto my roommates (for example), the way I see my roommates is influenced. 

Now this is not cool. I am responsible for my own experience because I am the only who can direct it. Thereby, with all the tools at my disposal (at the disposal of all), I cannot release my experience by backchatting about others. This will make me form perceptions and beliefs about them that are not based on what is real but on how I've felt in the past. There is no justification, only consequence and the consequence of this is that I sabotage myself. I create a perception/belief that I then hold when I am with these people, and the presence of these perceptions/beliefs influence my experience - usually towards the negative - and voilá I've sabotaged my own experience in how I've directed my own experience and my own thoughts. 

*These are strong words but what I mean by them is usually something very mundane. For example "damn, cups and plates all over the place..." is a thought that contains hidden blame towards those who left the cups and plates, projection of my own frustration onto the cups and plates (as if that was making me frustrated, even though I was already frustrated when I saw them), and thereby this single thought is me blaming/projecting my experience on my surroundings while believing that in this I "exert/trying to release" my experience to feel better. Now I am sure that "damn, cups and plates all over the place..." can be thought in many different ways but this is how I did it when I look at myself in self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat about my roommates when I am emotional (frustration, anger, anxiety, anger...).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the backchat I allow when I am emotional comes from the emotion and thereby creates with the emotion and more of the emotion. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is "OK" to exert/release my experience onto another if I am emotional, because I've had this done onto me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is no harm in backchatting about someone from an emotional starting point if I do not say anything about it because then it is all just in my head where no one can hear. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my backchat creates perceptions and beliefs that then create my experience which then influences how I live and act, and I am thereby responsible for what I think as I manifest it into the world through myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold in justified to blame others for stuff when I am emotional and to project my emotions onto others - this is never justified without accepting my own self-limitations as real (something that I cannot change - something that stand regardless of what I believe or how I direct myself). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather exert my experience onto others (even in secret) than to stop, breathe and to seek ways to practically carry responsibility for my own experience so that I would have nothing to exert. 

When and as I see myself being emotional and starting to blame/project my experience onto someone else I stop, I breathe and I realize that if I do so I will state that I cannot direct my experience. I won't accept and allow myself to limit myself this way. I check myself with self-honesty to see what is actually bothering me and I will carry responsibility for that - through self-forgiveness to release the point, by breathing through the immediate experience and then, from a stable starting point, seeking practical solutions to whatever it was that was bothering me. I realize that I have to carry my responsibility or otherwise I will create consequences that I would rather avoid. 

I Commit myself to do this for its own sake, but also to see how I will come to see my relationships when I no longer accept and allow myself to create them from an emotional starting point through backchat. 

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