torstai 17. tammikuuta 2013

Day 245-246 - What do I remember and where?



Someone told me about a study where it was shown that people associate information with location. I guess the example was of a class of divers who tried to memorize everything on the shore but forgot everything when they got into to the water.

I took this example back to myself and found a few interesting points when making variations to the principle:

1) "The frustration stuck to the walls like old cigarette smoke" (Location)

The simplest example of this would be the experience many of us have when going back to our parents. It is like an entire personality "comes up" from within me due to the presence of my parents and/or the house I grew up in. Yet because this experience is usually "positive" I'll go over the exact same pattern through an experience that was "negative" for me - that is to say, something clearly harmful and thereby something to let go without hesitation or question:

There was a time when I escaped my own anxieties and fears (towards my own unquestioned assumptions, interpretations, ideas, perceptions and beliefs about myself and my world) into solitude and escapism - mainly into the experience of winning in video games and the alternative mind states of drinking and smoking.

When I moved into the apartment that I did this in I was full of hope - I moved in from another city in the hope that things will be different this time. This slowly changed because I accepted and allowed myself to live the exact same thing as I lived in my previous apartment (evading my shit though extensive escapism). Ultimately everything in the apartment started to remind me of my anxiety and my fear (what I should have faced and dealt with) and the frustration that I experienced for succumbing to both through accepting and allowing myself to live in solitude (limiting myself according to my anxiety and my fear). All of this was contained in my experience of anxiety/fear through which every activity seemed like a chore and every social situation seemed threatening. I was reminded of this experience as soon as I woke up until the moment I went to bed and the only "relief" from it was to distract myself by playing games, drinking and/or smoking (not really, but because I was resistant towards, and thereby didn't do, anything else). Accepting and allowing myself to live this escapism in turn created more of the anxiety and fear which in turn created more desire/compulsion to escape, and thus I completed my little vicious circle that stuck to the walls of my apartment like old cigarette smoke (not really, but that's how I felt because I didn't realize that I was the origin of my experience through what I accepted and allowed myself to live).

I did not realize the correlation between how I moved myself (only remaining within the apartment) and how I felt (fear and anxiety), and thereby I didn't realize that I could have supported myself simply by going outside. I thought that the experience I had was who I am without realizing that I was the one who created it and associated it to the walls of my apartment by looking them within fear and/or anxiety day in and day out.

2) "It feels like there is no point to anything" (Experience)

Some time ago a friend of mine had it though - he was, as they say, "on the edge". I supported him through the worse by simply being with him and saying to his self-blame, blame, projection, self-victimization, judgment, self-judgment and comparison that "if I were within your experience, I would see things the same way. I am therefore HERE until you come down from that experience because then the world will look completely different and we can start looking for solutions".

I've done the same countless times. I've felt like shit and through my experience everything has looked like shit. I haven't found any point in the world, in my life or in life itself from within my experience, but after the experience has calmed down everything has looked different.

Here I have to remember what I do not remember within various experiences, and to thereby not believe my experience but to find a way to calm myself down. I cannot go ahead and believe that how the world looks from within sadness is how the world actually is, let alone define anything from within a momentary experience such as sadness. Even with a prolonged temporary experience (like the one I described above) defining world, myself and others through the experience will only support the experience, not a way out of it.

Another point to realize here is what I said to my friend when I listened to his words that wallowed in sorrow: "if you use your head that way, you will experience yourself that way - it is not you, it is how you currently apply and direct yourself". This is to assist and support myself to realize that when I face emotional turmoil it is not who I am but the result of the way I've applied and directed myself. To claim that I am my thoughts, my feelings and emotions (and not the starting point thereof) is the equivalent of saying that a computer is windows just because one was installed to it.

3) "Study the world simply because it is all HERE" (Separation)

It would seem that the group of divers practiced on the shore in separation.

I've gradually changed my starting point (of being) to responsibility - meaning "I am responsible because I am here and all abdications of this view of responsibility require justifications that are only real through my own belief". I've noticed that the way I study for example has changed dramatically after I did this. I no longer study to pass exams (just to remember and to repeat), I study to learn for myself (to have everything I learn become part of me and my world that is constantly here). Here I realized that life isn't "scenes" but something that is constantly here on this one round hunk of rock (what goes on beyond that is not relevant to my existence). Thereby when I study, I study to learn what this place is - what my home is - instead of trying to remember to pass and please.

Within this method of study I expand my world - that which is always present for me - instead of viewing different pieces of information in separation from reality trying to remember them. This point (that everything is always here and thereby should be viewed as such) is a good assistance and support when facing locations and experiences from which it is hard to see anything else - here I commit myself to remember that I am separating myself from my world and my reality. If I am sad it doesn't make the world sad or if I am away on vacation it doesn't mean that the world goes away - and if I require a vacation every now and then to keep my head together, I know that I've not carried my self-responsibility to come into terms with my world and my reality as it drains me so.

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