lauantai 19. tammikuuta 2013

Day 247-251 - Anger




For the past week things have not gone my way and I am here to assist and support myself through the experience that I've accumulated. For the most parts I will go over what has happened within the SF.


On Anger in general.

First and foremost, anger exists as long as I accept and allow it to. It is never justified (something that HAS TO exist) and it is neither right or wrong - it exists within me if I allow it to and it carries the consequences that it carries. Thereby, and regardless of justification, if I allow my anger I will face the consequences thereof. So far anger has only limited me, made my experience unpleasant and created conflict, and thus no matter how much I would like to be angry it don't seem worth it.

In this my previous post is a great support to realize that even though I feel angry it doesn't mean that how I see things from within my anger is how things actually are.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that anger exists as long as I accept and allow it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that anger is never justified (something that HAS TO exist) and it is neither right or wrong - it exists within me if I allow it to and it carries the consequences that it carries. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I allow my anger I will face the consequences thereof regardless of the justification of my anger. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that Anger has only limited me, made my experience unpleasant and created conflict, and thus these are most likely the consequences that I will face with Anger in the future as well. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my own anger without considering the consequences thereof - that I've accepted and allowed myself to only look at the justifications I use for my Anger - and that I've thereby not realized that expressing myself as anger doesn't assist and support me in anyway whatsoever.

The trigger: Not being able to finish my mind construct. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a goal for myself to finish the mind construct that I am working on by the first week of this year. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take into account that I am not absolutely free of resistances, and thereby facing some of the points is quite intense and tiring. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my goal even after I realized that I made it without considering every relevant point involved. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize to let go of my goal of finishing the mind construct as it became apparent that this is impossible but instead blame myself for "not being good enough / not doing good enough". . 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to re-create this self-disappointment every day because the goal that I set for myself for each day was more than I could realistically do. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated each and every day for not living up to my unattainable goal - instead of reassessing my goals. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to push myself to meet my self-standards without realizing that this very act is draining and it has so far resulted in days when I cannot get anything done on the account that I am so tired. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I must assist and support myself to do work, study and to do process as self-directed actions as within this I will assist and support myself - moment by moment - to find myself and my self-expression from being effective. 

Accumulation: Work and house chores. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT let go of my self-disappointment, and that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself "extra hard" for "mistakes" and "shortcomings" while within and as this experience. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for "not being good enough" for missing deadlines on projects for clients.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having a tight situation with work and money. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself for having a tight situation with work and money by blaming my past, my society and the economic situation for the bind that I am in  - and that I've accepted and allowed myself to in this seek reasons why there is nothing I can do and why it is justified for me to hold on to my experience of disappointment, fear and frustration, instead of letting them go and seeking a solution. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create myself as powerless and my situation as hopeless through blaming my past, my society and the economic situation for my financial situation - and that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to my own self-created experience of powerlessness. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not getting as much reading/studying done as I had hoped. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for being late on chores and having my roommate remind me of them - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of my roommates when they reminded me of doing my chores - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that because I forgot to do my chores I am "less" in the eyes of my roommates. 

  I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to each "shortcoming" and "mistake" by thinking that "I failed this too on top of everything else?!" (self-blame) without realizing that in this I only accumulate and compound my experience of self-disappointment. 

Accumulation: Comparison and judgment. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am the one who designed my schedule to be unrealistic, and that it is thereby me who feels a constant hurry to "catch up" because I keep failing to meet my own standards. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my high standards with the world getting more fucked on a daily basis and with the fear that I am running out of time to participate in fixing it 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for my own experience of hurry.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am not yet at the level of the standards that I've set for myself, and thereby to react with self-disappointment and frustration each time I come face to face with this fact is not assisting and supporting me to grow (but the exact opposite). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I have to be more than I am and that I am not allowed to slack off, instead of realizing that by embracing growth I will become more effective than I am now and that I do not want to just slack off because I've seen and I've experienced that the consequence thereof is boredom, escapism, loss of purpose and depression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the fact that to grow from a slacker to someone effective takes time and patience, and that blaming myself and being disappointed in myself doesn't support this process in anyway whatsoever. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare what I do to what others do to "calm myself down" from my own self-blame and self-disappointment because this is how I've been comforted in the past when I've been in doubt - I've been compared to others to show that there is always someone worse than me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others from the starting point of secretly desiring to "have it easy".  

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that life will never be free of effort - that life will never be "easy" - and that I've already shown myself that being passive ("having it easy") has lead me to boredom, escapism and depression, and thereby instead of seeking an "easy life" I must embrace life and learn how to do whatever I have to do and to face and to deal with whatever I encounter. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the discomfort that I experience when I step outside of my comfort zone. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ask the question "why do I need to constantly step outside of my comfort zone" and to within this compare what I do to what others do. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare what I do to what others do to determine whether or not I need to carrying responsibility for expanding my comfort zone that I've accepted and allowed to become very small throughout my life. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I can avoid the consequences of my own doing - that I could live a passive life of escapism without the boredom and the depression or that I could expand my comfort zone without discomfort. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is valid to determine what I "have to" do through comparing myself to others because throughout my education I've had to do only what other have had to do.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make myself "more than" others by comparing what I do to what others do from my experience of anger, and within this also victimize myself for "being alone" - without a companion or a friend to share my process and my daily work/studies with. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others for "wasting their lives" with escapism and appearances and with relationships based on both - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do this because I've accepted and allowed myself to feel alone. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am myself regardless of my company and if I choose to limit myself because of the company I keep and to secretly judge them for not being "good enough", it is just not valid. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not carry my self-responsibility to direct myself in self-honesty with others and that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my own self-limitation on the company in which I limit myself. 

Accumulation: Politics. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've searched for politically active groups in the wish that I would find people who share my views. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for (local) people who share my views because I fear to investigate the world around me alone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to investigate my world alone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am always alone - that is to say I am always just myself - and thereby it as valid to say that each time that I am in the company of others, I am not alone - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I feel alone because I've defined that I "require" certain type of people around me so that I would feel comfortable sharing what I've learned and investigated about the world around me - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing about what I've investigated and learned about the world around me who I perceive and believe NOT to be interested in such things - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that differences in interests will lead to conflicts, and that I have thereby NOT accepted and allowed myself to be myself (in terms of sharing my interests) in the company that I do not believe and perceive to share my interests. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others because of my own self-created experience of loneliness. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others to act from fear and anger over common good. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others to act from self-interest over common good. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take my own judgments (my own perceptions and beliefs) about others personally and to victimize myself for "living in a world where no one moves for common good". 

End result: My point of view of anger. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for not being able to live up to my own standards. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for failing to meet my standards instead of reassessing my self-standards. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, from within my anger, judge others to determine who I am in comparison to them to appease my anger instead of sorting out my own anger at myself by reassessing my self-standards. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, from my comparison and judgment, separate myself from others and to create an experience of loneliness for myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for working for a world that I feel lonely within without realizing that it is me who is limiting myself with others and thereby refusing the company of others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless within a world where I feel lonely and where I have to do so many things in each day without realizing that I am the one who created my self-standards and it is me who is limiting myself with others to create my own loneliness and separation. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my self-created experience of powerlessness instead of investigating and exploring how I direct myself to be able to assist and support myself to grow in a way that doesn't drain me within the realization that I Am who I am and I won't be anything different until I have changed for real. 

Corrective statements:

I commit myself to do my best each and everyday to progress my process, my work and my studies within and as patience and self-honesty towards who I am at this moment to no longer push myself too hard to create experiences of frustration and anger - judgment, comparison, separation and loneliness - that ultimately work against me on my process of growth and self-change. 

I commit myself to start from the basics (sleeping, eating, drinking, being with others and moving outside) and from this foundation direct myself from moment to moment within self-awareness and self-honesty to see, realize and understand when I am moving self-directed and when I am pushing myself to fulfill a standard - within the realization that self-directed action assists and supports me to grow and become more effective. 

I commit myself to let go of my frustration with self-honesty, self-forgiveness, breathing and patient self-corrective action when and as I see myself going into frustration over not meeting my self-standards - and in this bit by bit assist and support myself to develop through living instead of trying to push myself to meet a self-created standard. 

I commit myself to carry responsibility for my own self-suppression and self-limitation in the company of others and to stop judging the company I keep to justify my self-suppression and self-limitation - within the realization that facing and sorting out my limitations will assist and support myself to expand and justifying them will reinforce them. 

I commit myself to stand up to my experience of anger each time I face it within the realization that anger is never justified and it will always carry consequences that my experience tells me that I would rather avoid - such as creating more anger, powerlessness, escapism, boredom and depression. 

I commit myself to be kind and patient towards myself in seeking ways to stabilize my daily routine to be one that supports my physical and my vitality, my process, work and my studies as well as my social life (within the realization that all parts of my life affect me) - I commit myself to write about this as I progress with it. 

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