tiistai 22. tammikuuta 2013

Day 252-253 - Responsibility and blame


Did you know that since Egalitarianism we have had 5000 years of Hierarchies? 


I went over a memory where I faced a situation where I felt like people wanted me to organize an activity for them. When I did it they did not participate, they went away and I took this very personally. I realized that from this situation and probably other situations like it I've developed a fear of taking responsibility.



Now why would I fear responsibility? In other words, how do I see responsibility? 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that IF I am responsible to organize an activity for a group, the group "gets to"  (as justified by being under a leadership) participate with or without their consent depending on their "point of view" about the way I organize things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in leadership (which is something that I for some reason associate to taking action itself - perhaps due to the memory?) I have to do just this, and that taking responsibility (making stuff happen) is also taking the risk of having others not participate and have everything fall apart with me taking the blame.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby avoid responsibility in the fear that I will end up carrying more of the responsibility that will, when and if the activity fails, "fall" more on me than others, and to fear that this might happen because others did not participate properly due to their personal "point of view".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to have responsibility (having to make things happen) I would have to also deal with people not cooperating out of mere spite (as I thought to have happen in the memory) - that I would have to face a situation that cannot be solved "just because".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in front spite without realizing that the real effect comes from me taking it personally - out of my own impatience and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear living through situations of disagreement because, due to my experience (of taking conflicts personally), I've not realized that conflicts are moments (life) like all other moments.
  • In this 
    • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my experience of fear within intense enough conflicts make me "give up" and stop participating in living the situation into a solution, and that this "giving up" usually stands in the way of living the situation into a solution later (which usually is the only way to solve conflicts anyway). 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that IF I am responsible (having something that I have to have happen) and people do not cooperate - this is that they do not cooperate in that very moment, it can happen from a million reasons and from here I live to either in time come to a mutual understanding with others or to find other people whom to cooperate with - in this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that things are lived into existence, and that I cannot say for sure what can be lived and what not by situations that didn't go well and in which I "gave up".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to ideas, perceptions and beliefs I've accepted and allowed myself to create from and within conflict situations.

I see...

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that responsibility is getting the highest reward for taking on the most risk.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be greedy and fearful in my belief and perception that action of which to be responsible of (get the highest reward and take on the biggest risk) is something that I must therefore lead - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider that worth while goals would be the equal responsibility of everyone (equal reward as in reality, ultimately, all risk is equal).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if things go bad the one responsible will be the one who gets blamed - and that this is the "service" subordinates give their power away to their leadership.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear, due to my own rebellious/spiteful nature, taking responsibility (leadership) because I fear to face rebellion/spite - I see this as a possibility because this is the behavior that I've often given to my various superiors.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful/rebellious towards authorities because I was angry at the fact that they demanded me to limit who I was even after I had come to a "compromise" of in essence doing what I was told but in my own way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereafter meet authorities from the perspective of my past dis-encouraging and demeaning experiences with authority - in that I had to be "won over", which did happen with a few good teachers, as I automatically assumed that every authority was as abusive as some of my authorities have been.*

*authority: whoever I happen to perceive and believe to be more than me. Mainly when my childhood is in question this means parents, older siblings, school teachers, principles, bigger kids etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear getting blamed - even to the extent that (in the memory) I've self-blamed blame into situations when there actually were none.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I do not know exactly how much of my past is created from things that I thought to be there but in actuality weren't (finding out).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid responsibility because of my fear of being blamed (being blamed has been quite the experience in my life).

Alrighty then...

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider equality but instead automatically assume hierarchies when looking at how to organize endeavor.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see a "leader" simply as the guy who suggest/does first to have others follow the example but as someone who is not like the others, and who thereby "gets to" design activities that he/she won't participate in.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the way people react to this inequality (even monkey do) is up to the "leadership" (the better educated, the more experienced, the authoritative, the rich) to manage and control, because a hierarchy must be established because it is "more efficient" - without realizing to ask "to what end?".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that "personal gain" is not even an end in comparison to equality - a dignified life for all over super-lives for some.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive (accept) that this is the way of the world because business and education function this way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that at the moment business and education functions this way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider simply that everyone in a given situation are ultimately responsible to participate as themselves, and that if this is not done it is sign of dysfunction - as people are not who they really are.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that hierarchies are built because not everyone wants to participate as themselves without asking why that is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I sacrifice/mold my direct participation because of past trauma - and if I do this, others might as well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've often not participated because of my own past traumas, and as others might do this as well it is ignorant for me to take it personally when this part of the world reveals itself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take stuff personally - and through this decide what the situation will roughly be from that point onward (and due to my perceptions and beliefs of the world avoid responsibility in these consideration) - instead of living through the situation as myself moment by moment (thereby practicing to live, come what may).


I commit myself to stop my fear of conflicts in the situations they occur and to live through them stable within and as breath instead – thereby exploring these situations to learn how to live through them and direct them into a solution. I realize that this might take time and I will thereby apply patience and humility.

I commit myself to view teamwork as an activity where each of the participants are equal even though they might bring different qualities to the table.

I commit myself to view responsibility as collective and equal even though different tasks can be handed out temporarily – meaning that when all live a life that works for them (for real) the world works and people are thereby equally self-responsible for themselves in comparison to each other (no one can live anything for another in fact).

I commit myself to face what I demand of myself through the eyes of others and to sort that out so that I am able to participate in teamwork as myself.

I commit myself to do whatever I do as myself and without defining myself according to what I do.

I commit myself to face what I expect the expectations of others to be and the way I live by them to assist and support myself to be myself instead of what I believe and perceive others to expect from me.

I commit myself to realize that when I expect someone to expect something from me, this is my interpretation, and whatever the situation actually is living it into a solution is a different phenomenon from my interpretations of it – in not confusing one with the other I will make sure that I won't live a situation because I believe and perceive it to be something, but that I see what actually happens and to live according to that.

In this, I commit myself to stop believing my perceived and believed hierarchies and relationships, in that I will assist and support myself to stop limiting myself according to what I believe to be ” appropriate” according to others present and thereby to live to see what is actually real; If I always limit myself without actually looking I will never see for myself what my actual limitations are.

I commit myself to check my definition of being ”unlimited” is because by definition it should mean ”normal life”.  

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