torstai 24. tammikuuta 2013
Day 254 - Focus and distractions.
One of the biggest problems within my time management is having the focus to do something all the way through in one go without getting distracted. My problem is that I accept and allow thoughts within doing my daily stuff where I consider what else I would rather be doing, and thereby I create a resistance towards the activity and make it harder for me to do. I touched this topic in a previous post, but I was unsuccessful to live a correction to it. Here to write some more about it!
Now what I missed was the fact that for most of my life I've thought that the world is not for me - the world meaning the outdoors, school and home during the time I created this belief. In school and outdoors I was often bullied because I was expressive just because I was expressive, where most of the others were expressive in groups out of various defense mechanisms - this "naturally" made me an ideal target for others who were expressive out of seeking attention and dominance (insecurity). Here I was bullied very randomly by different people whenever I was in groups. At home in the other hand my parents, out of an attempt to protect me, bottled up their emotions (very successfully) until they just erupted out of the smallest things - and this surprised me every time. I took all of this personally and didn't accept and allow myself to feel completely safe at home or in groups - just alone or with a very small group of friends.
Now this is the fear that I've escaped to the company of only a few friends and computer games - often into computer games with the few friends - for close to 15 years. Being on the computer has been my place of refuge and while I've written about the escapism part itself I've not realized that this setting (being on the computer) also connects me to all that which I've wanted to escape.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I am on the computer I am not HERE as myself, and that this is the experience that I've been seeking from being on the computer for the past 15 years.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being HERE because I was bullied without warning for doing so, because I took this personally believing and perceiving myself to be faulty and because I abdicated my responsibility to investigate why I was bullied and defined myself, others and my world according to how I took everything personally instead.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from expressing myself in the fear of being bullied - fear being here as myself, and to thereby be in the relaxed and self-honest state of being from which I can honestly self-express myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel cautious and fearful except when I Am alone or with my small group of friends.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted and limited within my world without realizing that I am the one who is holding on to my limitations.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the experience of being breathless and projected onto my computer screen (escapism) is a reaction to my fear of others and the self-limitation that I impose upon myself because of it - an attempt to make the artificial real when I perceived and believed that I the world wasn't for me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when being on the computer by projecting myself onto my screen with such intensity that I loose focus of everything else that is here, thereby making it possible for me to (for a moment) forget everything else to escape the world around me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to still continue the habit of escaping the world into completely loosing myself into games and entertainment without realizing that this habit is created out of escaping the world out of spite because I believed and perceived that the world is not for me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate computers with playing games and watching entertainment, and to hold on to this association whenever I am on the computer.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider playing games and watching entertainment every time I am on the computer because I've accepted and allowed myself to associate computers to be for this purpose.
I commit myself to continue practicing to remain within and as breath when I am on the computer within the realization that projecting myself into what is on my computer screen is essentially escapism - it is essentially me abandoning myself here, which is a habit created out of fear.
I commit myself to assist and support myself (in part) out of my fear of self-expression by assisting and supporting myself to be myself within and as breath when being on the computer - thereby stopping to separate my life into escapism and "real life" and stabilizing myself here.
When and as I see myself falling out of breath when I am on the computer I stop, I breathe and I face the experience with self-honesty to determine whether or not I am shutting everything apart from what is on my computer screen outside of my focus. I realize that this is a habit that I've created out of fear and spite towards my environment. I realize that participating in this "dozing off" (of sorts) supports my idea that I am separated from my environment because when I participate in escapism where I "doze off" I am basking in artificial experiences instead of seeking to live life out in the real world, as well as the belief that real life is not for me and that the only experiences that really are for me exist within games and entertainment (what is on my screen). I won't allow myself to exist within my isolation of escapism. I won't accept and allow myself to create the experience of being on the computer in separation from everything else. I breathe myself back here and continue to do my stuff in breath (even playing games).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think what I would rather be doing when I am writing blogs, doing work or studying on the computer.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards whatever it is that I am doing by thinking what I would rather do.
When and as I see myself thinking what I would rather do in the midst of a responsibility I stop, I breathe and I realize that this only makes it harder for me to focus on what I am doing. I won't accept and allow myself to participate in creating this resistance within the realization that in this I can support myself to develop my follow-through and to not be so easily distracted. I breathe through the experience, stabilize myself here and continue with the activity when I am done.