perjantai 25. tammikuuta 2013

Day 255 - Focus and obligations.



I was able to start my stuff very late today. I noticed that as time went by I went more and more into backchat about not doing enough. I opened this in a previous post but what I didn't have a look at was how I obligate myself in fact and what is the self-belief that makes my self-obligation valid.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat through which I judge myself for "not doing enough".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for "not doing enough" as if the standard according to which I "have to" act is true - like the axiom that I need air to breathe - instead of realizing that it is my own creation that only carries the consequence of making me feel like I am not "good enough". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my self-standard with the belief that the world is in a crisis and thereby I must do my best to prepare* myself to be able to assist in the situation. 

*: preparation within the context of this blog is to study, to get myself together, to create financial stability, to get involved in politics and to learn how to take care of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the justification of "I must prepare because the world requires people to act" is not a valid justification for self-judgment. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a self-image about myself where I am person who prepares, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to prepare with a dedication that is somewhat self-sacrificial due to "the cause" being so "just" - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what matters is who I am, and that if some quality of myself exists only through me pushing myself to be someone that I am not it is not actually real. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prepare by "keeping track" of how much I do instead of practicing to make effective preparation as part of who I am - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself if I do not meet my daily goal instead of taking this as an opportunity to see more clearly who I really am. 


Now this doesn't really answer the question of what is my self-belief that makes my method of self-sacrificial self-obligation valid. This is a MUCH larger construct. For what I've gone through my past in SRA I've realized the following:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to (from a very young age) believe and perceive that I am "more stable" than those around me, because the one's around me were in such a disarray. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to decide (from a very young age) that because my problems are so small in comparison to the problems of those around me, I should put my problems aside and focus on helping others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to (from a very young age) enjoy the moments, and define myself according to the moments, where I helped others with their problems. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to after these moments have a moment of self-reflection where I enjoy being "the one who helps others", and to thereby reinforce my self-definition as someone who helps others. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop this self-definition into a larger and larger context where at first I felt responsible to place myself aside for those around me, and now I do it with the entire world without realizing that the world is created from what each one live, and thereby if I live self-sacrifice that is what I support in the world as well. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the starting point that I helped others from was to stabilize my own environment - to make myself feel better by having others feel better.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my attempt to help others is ultimately about making myself feel better - which validates my belief that I am not a self-directed being, but at the whim of my environment (which was to an extent true in my childhood - from which this belief is from). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I carry my responsibility by taking care of others - that doing this is my "redeeming factor" as a person - instead of realizing that my responsibility is to direct myself and to live each moment that is here regardless of what that is - in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do good things to others I will be relieved of responsibility later. 


I commit myself to practice living over aiming to fulfill goals. 

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