perjantai 25. tammikuuta 2013

Day 256 - Focus, guilt and Self-blame

Stop Shift+Blame and what I have left is the Truth.




Continuing on the points that affect my focus on a daily basis. Next up: Self-blame:


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, blame myself and feel guilty for realizing that I've wasted my life into extensive escapism and fear (extensive writing done in iProcess Pro). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my own self-judgment, self-blame and guilt by feeling powerless, and to my experience of feeling powerless with anger and frustration. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my experience of powerlessness is a reminiscence of a time when I had absolutely no idea that I was the one who created my life - when I perceived and believed that me blaming my parents, bullies and educators was valid. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this self-judgment of having wasted my life is a good thing because it has came up after I ceased to blame my parents, bullies and educators for the state that my life is in - after I realized my own self-responsibility within all of this. 


That is the most important point. Now for the "nitty-gritty":


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for not having a steady job at the age of 26. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for not studying in school. 

  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with self-judgment and self-blame when I do not study as much in a day as I've defined myself "having to study" in order to "catch up" to what I missed in school. 
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for not being able to study during my school years. 
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to those who learner a lot in school in such a way that it makes me feel like I am inferior. 
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize within these self-accusations that the way I existed within myself made it impossible for me to study, and, while it is good that I am catching up right now, blaming myself serves no purpose in anyway whatsoever. 
    • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the only consequence of this self-blame and self-judgment is that I make studying harder for myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am "scum", a "failure", and to create an plan by which to "redeem" myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with more self-blame and self-judgment each time I fail to live up to this plan. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try an "redeem" myself by living out a plan to get the societal merit (education and financial stability) that I believe myself to lack, instead of realizing that the situation that I am in right now is the consequence of who I am - and therefore I cannot live out any plan, but must change myself. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be impatient and create a plan. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT be humble and work on myself until I am no longer a person who manifests a life of "failure". 


I commit myself to realize each and every time I go into frustration/self-judgment/self-blame/powerlessness/anger over "not doing enough" that I am trying to live up to an ideal that will apparently "redeem" me from my past that I've wasted in nonsense. I realize that this is not how to live life at all. I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to direct the experience in itself within the realization that it is just these kinds of experiences (frustration/self-judgment/self-blame/powerlessness/anger/fear) that have made me passive in the past, and it is thereby the experience in itself that I have to untangle and to stop - instead of trying to live up to some standard to "redeem myself" and "beating myself up" when I automatically can't.

I commit myself to live patience. 

I commit myself to live humility. 

I commit myself to work on myself and to change myself until I am a person who no longer manifests a fuck-up of a life as a consequence to himself. 

I commit myself to carry self-responsibility from moment to moment within the realization that what I accept and allow in each and every moment is what manifests my life - not plans.  

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