lauantai 26. tammikuuta 2013
Day 257 - Angry Backchat Part 1.
I've been emotional for the past week and a half - mainly anger and frustration. I wrote the text about Anger and it helped some but the emotions didn't go away.
Last night I was rolling in my bed trying to sleep while my roommates talked and laughed loudly in the living room. I stopped to look at my backchat/unconscious backchat responsible for this rolling. I was amazed to see how much I reacted to and judged mere sounds coming from the other room because it apparently prevented me from sleeping (this is connected to a memory where another has done the same to me). I accepted and allowed this because I was angry, but the justification doesn't make a difference because I reacted and judged with my thoughts (judgment, blame, projection) and with my body (unconsciously) - I live anger.
The occasional angry backchat and the inability to sleep it caused seemed impossible to shake off. Then I remembered what I wrote about "when within an experience, what exists outside of it falls out of focus". I said to myself that "I do not want to be angry", I started to breathe through the bodily reactions and to stop my thoughts after which the experience started to dissipate.
Within the context of my previous post I was the one not moving myself to rest and blaming it on the noises. There were many solutions to the situation, I chose to try and sleep with the noise in my environment. This was the answer to my anger - the fact that I had made myself powerless to do the simplest action (resting) out of blame which made me note/judge/react to each and every sound I heard
I then started to breathe and fell asleep.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify angry and judgmental backchat about others when I feel angry.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others within my backchat from anger without realizing that this only compounds the anger, and instead believing that this exertion makes me feel better and is OK because no one will know.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this holds the consequence of anger - that I create, compound and compress my experience of anger.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my angry backchat within the belief that something has to happen for it to go away (for me to "calm down") instead of realizing that the solution is to not participate (carry responsibility for my own experience).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am powerless in front of my emotions, such as anger, without realizing that I make this assumption from the few times I got so mad that I lost control (I mean, to me that was an apple to the wall and shouting, lol).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that directing my emotions consists from standing up to them when I actually can.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others as inconsiderate when I am angry.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others as self-centered.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by "remaining hopeless in the situation".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger with the hopelessness coming out of my own actions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby be angry without realizing that I am creating the situation and its consequences (the ones that I was responsible for: backchat, which prevented me from sleeping) through my blame.
When and as I see myself going into angry/judgmental/blamey/self-victimizing backchat about others I stop, I breathe and I check if I am limiting myself. If I can do something I will not continue to participate in backchat and just do it. If I cannot I will not allow myself to participate in backchat either within the realization that this is not the solution but often times just makes the anger grow - releasing if something has accumulated is cool if I've allowed such a misfortune to happen.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to breathe instead of participate in anger, judgment, blame and self-victimization.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to carry self-responsibility for my anger when I see myself doing anything from the starting point of anger within the realization that the only way to be less angry is to live less angry moments.