sunnuntai 27. tammikuuta 2013

Day 258-259 - Angry Backchat part 2&3




I looked back at how I created the anger that made me so reactive to my roommates when I tried to get some sleep.

What was the arrangement within my backchat and how I created it?


Isolation and seeking reasons to be special as a justification (compensation) for my isolation:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am alone because I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am the only one (in my immediate environment) who investigates the world to know what it is - to be able to bring change to a situation that obviously requires some.
in this,
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others because in order to "comfort myself" for "being alone" I compare and make myself "special" to "compensate" for the situation that I am in. 
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to make myself "special" as "payment" for doing what I do because I've abdicated my self-responsibility to come in terms with what I do - in that, just like in school, I still have a resistance towards studying.   
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take my want/need/desire as a valid justification to participate in this. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am not alone, and that it is me who is isolating myself for allowing "doing different things" to be a point of separation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am the one who thereby creates my experience of isolation.


Isolation and trying to make myself special creating powerlessness:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I there is too much to do alone - that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I Will be exhausted and overwhelmed by how much there is to do - and that in this I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I create my experience of solitude/loneliness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the way I assess what I have to do is done within the context of my isolation - and that this is a situation where I can't "make it" alone, no one can.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop my self-imposed isolation but instead judge, blame and project my experience on others by asking in a self-victimizing fashion "why do I have to do everything alone?".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge people to find out why they do not act - thereby judge from the starting point of my experience of powerlessness, blame, spite and isolation - "pre-judging" others to already not do things with me - ti only want to live a life of self-interest over participating in carrying responsibility for the current world (initially this is of course investigation, self-development, studying and sorting oneself out).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to do this when I am emotional (anger, frustration, stress - mainly) - in the very least by not directing my anger, frustration and stress before doing anything else. 


The conflict and the principles at play: 

So I've been walking around with this "pessimistic" point of view and some 1,5 weeks ago I got into a conflict that I identified as the trigger (or at least a big accumulation) of the anger that I experienced when I was rolling around in my bed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to (out of the actions of one) define "all others" through backchat that states "people are..." because of the arrangement I held myself in because of isolation/being special (as "payback").

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I think such thoughts ("people are...") I separate myself from all others, I place myself in opposition to all others and thereby also make myself experience loneliness and powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in further backchat from my own self-created isolation, powerlessness, anger, frustration and fear - and to thereby accumulating the experiences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to start accumulating judgmental and angry backchat about others from a fight I had with another (keeping it anonymous) about 1 ,5 weeks ago, in which I accepted and allowed myself to react and to blame/project my reaction upon the other because I judged him to place his self-interest in front of the project we were doing together that was aimed to help many.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify this judgment with the importance of my work without realizing that in this I "justify the means with the cause".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge this person for placing his self-interest first because he reacted to me "discrediting" his contribution as only pitching ideas and making phone calls (justifying my judgment with his reaction).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify judgment when I perceive and believe that another "makes a mistake".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify self-judgment when I perceive and believe that I "make a mistake".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to justify my judgment because my attempt to clarify whether or not he was participating in the project was met with reactive hostility without realizing that what was met with reactive hostility was the way I tried to inquire what was going on.
In this,  
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is all I can say because I only tried one approach.
  •  I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try a single approach and "give up" after it doesn't succeed by deciding that the situation is now a conflict and applying myself accordingly.  
  • I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereafter "seek proof" that this person is in reaction and that the situation is a conflict. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I participated in creating the conflict as well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT allow myself to see that I participated in creating the conflict because I focused on judging the other to have done this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "seek proof" that the person I had the conflict with is who I judged him to be when and as seeing/hearing about something he does/says.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and justify my own reaction by judging the person I reacted towards.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather dislike another than to face myself and what I've done.


On not being able to fall asleep:

Now within this context, and within the context of "not doing enough" that I had when I accumulated my anger, I am not surprised that I couldn't sleep. I was stressed, isolated and feeling powerless which is not really the stress-free state required to rest effectively. I didn't realize that I created my sleeping troubles as well as my stress towards not falling asleep (believing that I have a shitload to do) - which in turn made it harder to sleep.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I created my own inability to sleep by accepting and allowing stress through viewing my environment the way I Did: in separation, through comparison, through judgment, projection, blame and impotent anger (anger out of making myself powerless with blame and projection). 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I accumulate my stress each moment I accept and allow myself to judge myself for not doing enough, when I project this onto others through blaming them for "having to" do my stuff alone, whenever I compare my actions to others out of spite, when I judge others to validate my point of view, when I isolate myself from others with comparison and judgment, when I feel powerless in my isolation and whenever I participate in self-victimization where I blame the world for providing such circumstances. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in a point of view that is this disabling. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this point of view carries consequences on me through affecting my ability to sleep and rest properly. 


Commits:

I commit myself to move myself out of my isolation and to face every way I limit myself from interaction through my own perceptions and beliefs. 

I commit myself to move contrary to my beliefs in not accepting and allowing myself to limit myself from and within interaction to really see for myself if I am alone or not. 

I commit myself to stop looking others through who I perceive and believe them to be, but as fellow human beings within this moment together with me. 

I commit myself to stop separating myself from others by creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs about others through accepting and allowing backchat when I am angry or otherwise emotional. 

I commit myself to stop my pattern of isolation by moving myself out of my isolating self-limitations - not waiting others to do stuff - and by not accepting and allowing myself to backchat about others when angry or otherwise emotional. 

I commit myself to focus on keeping myself relaxed within and as breath within the realization that what I live I accumulate. 

I commit myself to assist and support myself when and as I am emotional to no longer accept and allow myself to do things that will further accumulate the experiences with the justification of the experience. 

When and as I see myself: 

  • judge myself for not doing enough, 
  • project this onto others through blaming them for "having to" do my stuff alone, 
  • whenever I compare my actions to others out of spite, 
  • when I judge others to validate my point of view, 
  • when I isolate myself from others with comparison and judgment, 
  • when I feel powerless in my isolation,  
  • whenever I participate in self-victimization where I blame the world for providing such circumstances
 I Stop, I Breathe and I realize that if I participate in any of this I only limit myself. I realize that to assist and support myself I must direct myself to NOT participate in these points. I realize that the amount of stress these accumulate to influence every part of my life, and that it is just not worth it. I breathe through the reactions and let go of the backchat. Once stabilized I will explore the moment by living it differently - in this, I commit myself to re-practice to deal with everything that I've dealt with by participating in this pattern. 

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