lauantai 9. helmikuuta 2013

Day 267&268 - Moar on Exhaustion




The second work day was around 12h as well. This was quite a strain as I already had one such day. 

The first thought I had when I woke up was being worried about how I would get through the day. I feared the experience of being exhausted, there being still hours to go and that the time going extremely slow. I realized that in order to experience this I must actively recent what I do - and that this is something that is up to me. I reminded myself that life comes one moment at a time and I stopped the thoughts, got myself ready and headed for breakfast. I went outside, reacted to the cold air that filled the dark morning and got into the car. 

At the breakfast I accepted and allowed myself to ”have a moment” and just eat in peace. I didn't think how the day will be. I didn't think how I will feel. I didn't consider anything - I just had my breakfast HERE in the moment. This was a great way to wake up and to get ready for the "challenge ahead" – though a big part of this was to NOT consider the upcoming day as a ”challenge ahead”. When I got out the cold air didn't seem so cold. 

At work I noticed that I went into backchat that acknowledged my tiredness. I thought stuff like ”My God I am tired”, ”Phew I can't even remember what I did previously” and the like. I stopped the backchat and the tiredness went away. This was fascinating because I was able to focus on my work within and as breath but each time I started to think something I started to feel tired. I continued to keep myself here within and as breath until I was fully awake.

There was a lot of ”forcing strength” required in the work (drilling through metal with a hand-held drill for example). I am not yet used to this kind of work and gradually I started to feel tired again. This was again fascinating because I was unable to escape the experience of physical fatigue and I was (at first) quite convinced that because of this I also MUST think thoughts that constantly acknowledge my tiredness. Here I remembered what I did in the morning, I stopped my backchat and focused on my breathing. This helped just like it did in the morning: I was able to focus just fine as long as I didn't backchat to convince myself that I was mentally tired on top of physical fatigue.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I acknowledge physical fatigue in my thoughts I will also create an energetic experience of tiredness (loss of focus, resentment towards action) on top of the physical fatigue. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat about my physical tiredness without realizing that in this I am creating mental tiredness as well. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think "how I will get through the day" when I wake up tired without realizing that in this I create a resistance towards living through the day that is about to start. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust that I always wake up (the tired experience dissipates) after I get up in the morning, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on the initial experience of tiredness that I have right after waking up and that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess my entire experience from the context of that experience without realizing that it will gradually dissipate as I start to go about my day. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire warmth and comfort when I am tired, and that I've accepted and allowed myself to acknowledge my tiredness by actively reacting to the opposites of warmth/comfort (cold/effort) when I am tired, instead of just living though them breath by breath. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I focus on my tiredness in anyway whatsoever (thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, unconscious reactions), instead of just moving myself within and as breath with the experience of physical fatigue, I will "keep the tiredness alive" by also creating my experience according to it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess my circumstances (how much I've done, how long I've been up, what I've done and the like) and to backchat about my tiredness accordingly - that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat about tiredness if a long day has created slight physical fatigue, and to thereby create and experience of tiredness on top of the physical fatigue.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear physical fatigue by reacting to it with backchat about tiredness instead of embracing physical tiredness as an experience that is here. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear exhaustion and tiredness as states that I cannot do anything about and within which I am incapacitated. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use exhaustion and tiredness as an excuse not to do stuff because I've defined them as experiences that are "out of my control" and which incapacitate. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to backchat about being tired when I have something to do that I feel a resistance towards to have an excuse not to do it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that there is no reason to fear physical exhaustion because I have sleep and rest which are done daily, and thereby each day is "designed" so that I can give what I have to give each and every day. 


When and as I see myself going into backchat that states that I am tired I stop, I breathe and I realize that with this thought I am pushing my experience to the direction of tiredness. I realize that my physical requires rest but I do not require to make myself experience tiredness to rest. I realize that the mental component (the self-dialogue that acknowledges and focuses on my physical tiredness) is not necessary. I check myself with self-honesty to determine if there is something that I have a resistance towards - something that I would like to escape with the excuse of being tired. I realize that I become what I do and thereby what I feel resistant towards is often that which I need to do in order to grow and "make things easier for myself" in the long run. I release the points with self-forgiveness, I breathe through the experience, I embrace the possible physical exhaustion and I will continue to move myself HERE within and as breath. 


I commit myself to embrace physical exhaustion and to take physical exhaustion as a sign of dispensed effort and nothing more.

I commit myself to carry responsibility for my backchat about tiredness and to explore the experiences of tiredness and exhaustion for what they are - without backchatting about the experiences on top of the experiences and thereby making the experiences more. 

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