maanantai 11. helmikuuta 2013

Day 270 - Noticing growth!

NOTE: I am going out of down again to do some factory maintenance and I will chain post when I get back!

I've written this blog for 270 days.

Some time ago I thought that I've written a shitload of self-forgiveness, commitments and self-corrective statements. I then thought "how can I possible carry everything of this with myself?".

The very next morning I:

1) Woke up later than I had hoped (not by much though) and I though "damn, it's already 10:15!". Then I realized that in this I am creating an idea and an experienced that I've "failed the day". I said to myself "stop, I know where this leads" and I continued my day.

2) I went to start my day and I noticed that almost all the lights had been left on for the night (I didn't shut them because I was the first one in bed). I reacted to this by really briefly judging my roommates as inconsiderate. Again I realized where I was headed - towards separation and creating anger. Again I said to myself that "I know where this is headed and I won't accept and allow it" and I continued my day.

3) I then saw myself react to the various pains and the general "stuffy" experience that I had because I had just woken up. Again I stopped the unconscious reactions (not thinking it but feeling like how I feel is unpleasant) and I embraced my experience and focused on breathing.

4) I went to make breakfast and I saw myself starting to "race within myself" and moving myself as if I was in a hurry. I realized that I was not in breath, I stopped, slowed myself down and continued to make breakfast within and as breath and by moving myself with a more relaxed phase.

5) I took my breakfast and went onto the computer to check my email and various social medias. I noticed that I started to stare the screen and just scrolling my Facebook feed down while falling out of breath. Again I stopped and continued to breath within the realization that I am not HERE as myself but "sucked into" or projected onto my computer screen - an experience that I've used to escape myself and my world extensively throughout my life, and an experience which I thereby will no longer accept and allow.

Here during the first 15 minutes that I was awake I already applied 5 (or even more) blog posts worth of self-realizations.

All of the realizations that I applied were from texts that I really wrote as myself - from myself to myself - with the goal of actually sorting the point out. No "writing for the sake of writing", but self-honest writing that aims towards actual change.

And thereby,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will forget what I write. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that what I write as myself - by myself and for myself in self-honesty - is something that becomes part of me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the text that I write in itself holds absolutely no relevance, but it is who I am within my writing that dictates the direction I direct myself into. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the text that I write is only a tool for facing myself and exploring ways to change and grow - and that actually living differently is the key to real change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my fear of "forgetting what I've written" contains an impatience where I would like to have reality work in such a way that simply writing out a point would be one with and equal to walking it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself be impatient to change already without realizing that in this I am "whining about" something that I cannot change because I change when I've actually changed and not a moment sooner. 

I commit myself to write from the starting point of assisting and supporting myself to change and grow for real - and I thereby commit myself to write each and every post in this blog within self-honesty, by myself and for myself.

I commit myself to use writing as a way to really explore myself and to really face myself. 

I commit myself to place my main focus on living out what I write within and as self-honesty and patience to thereby practically support myself to change each and every day - and each and every breath. 

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