Day 271 - Seeking compensation = refusing to live unless I get paid

I was quite frustrated yesterday and I realized that this was because I gave into a reoccurring experience of feeling like I am not getting anywhere no matter how hard I try.

I realized that I need to have a look at what I wait for to happen in order for an activity to matter. 

I've recently done work and study and therefore I will now open those two points.

Studying:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate studying with something that will bring about external validation during the years that I spent in school, and now that I am self-studying and not getting any external validation for the effort that I put in I feel like ”something is missing”, that the studying is not going anywhere and that I, from this, accept and allow myself to think that there is ”no point” in studying because I am not "getting anything from it".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that ultimately the only thing that matters is what I have realized and understood for myself and as myself – what I am able to do and how I am able to apply myself on the account of what I've learned, realized and understood.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect external validation from putting effort in study.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect people to acknowledge and rate my progress when I study.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT view studying from the perspective of self-development and to hold the expansion of myself and my world as a sufficient "reward".

I commit myself to study to expand myself and the options available to me. 

I commit myself to study for myself. 

Working:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my work has no other purpose than making money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to this perception/belief by perceiving and believing that my job is something that is not worth while doing. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the market in which to make money is ”unfair” because small producers (me) are used by small to medium enterprises (that is a dying breed) and all other clients choose the large producers, and thereby there is very little work available for me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that this is a projection of my own self-created frustration towards my work - frustration towards the fact that making web pages often only has a money-making function - in that I try to blame my circumstances to arrive to the conclusion that the activity "wasn't worth it" in the first place. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for doing an activity that has no other relevance than to make money. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter that my chances of being an entrepreneur are becoming smaller and smaller, and that I face a situation where I have to seek employment with the bigger companies.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless within this situation because it is formed by ”forces” much ”greater” than me – by ”forces” that I have no influence over, yet they have a great influence over me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel angry for focusing on a point of view in which I am ”completely powerless”.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on the unfairness by focusing on how people get various amounts of money for various amounts of effort – that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on what I have to do just to get by to what others get to do to have so much left over that they can do whatever they please.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at people who get more money just because they are considered to be "more important". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I try something that cannot be done in the current economy I sabotage myself out of pride and Ego - that it is me who refuses to seek a solution that actually works.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I justify not trying anything else by claiming that the world is ”unfair” I am refusing to seek a solution out of pride and Ego.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that if I limit myself according to visions of how things should be I am ignoring how things really are.

I commit myself to face my circumstances with humbleness and to seek a solution that actually works. 

I commit myself to stop justifying my own inaction by stating that my circumstances are "unfair" and that there is thereby "nothing I can do in the first place". 

I seem to wait for ”compensation” – either monetary or social – in order for my efforts to matter. This implies that I consider what I do to be a chore that is something ”deserving” of compensation. Here I need to come into terms with action itself and to no longer accept and allow myself to push myself to act in the hope of a compensation. This is literally being resistant towards life itself and only being willing to move if there is compensation to be had. What a fuck-up...

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire a compensation for living without realizing that if I act to be compensated I am stating that I need a compensation in order to live life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from action itself as life by wanting/needing/desiring a compensation/incentive to act and refusing to act/acting through resistance if I am not given an incentive to act by giving me a compensation for living life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that seeking a compensation for living life - a compensation for my "hardship" - is to abdicate my responsibility to face why I see living life (performing actions) as a "hardship" in the first place. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that in wanting/needing/desiring an incentive/compensation I am stating that I am inherently lazy and resistant towards living life itself, which implies that I am not life. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am life – I am that which acts and lives – and if I require compensation before I act I am in actuality limiting myself extensively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that by refusing to live without compensation effectively makes me into a tool over a living expressive being. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I am giving up my own self-directive power when I want compensation in order to live life - when I say that I won't live certain things unless I am compensated for them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see any point in living unless I am compensated for what I live either with money or with social validation.  

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that this (statement above) is how things are and how the human is. 

I commit myself to explore this point further to find effective self-support statements and commits through which I am able to come into terms with living life itself (performing actions).