sunnuntai 17. helmikuuta 2013

Day 272 - Projecting insecurities




We were modifying a machine that was next to an operational one that took 5 workers to run it. I noticed how I projected my insecurities onto those 5 workers.

My superiors gave me assignments with vague instructions and only as I progressed. When I work alone I like to know what I am doing, how it has to be done and what the task is in its entirety. I noticed how being unaware of these points made me feel uncertain and insecure and how I projected this onto the workers at the station next to us by (occasionally) thinking that they perceive that I am an amateur for not constantly being absolutely certain.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to constantly be "on top of things" when I work in the fear of making a mistake. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to constantly be "on top of things" to be able to be as effective as possible. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake and being ineffective when I was not "on top of things". 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my insecurity showed and I was judged for it. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I was being judged because I was a representative of a company within the factory of another company. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my insecurity shows and I will give a bad impression of the company that I worked for. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my insecurity by believing and perceiving that there is a possibility to give a bad impression of the company that I work for to the company whose factory I work within. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be blamed for being an "amateur" and that others will come and say that I shouldn't be here.  

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive in order to be a ”professional” I must be perceived as such by those around me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thereby want/need/desire to appear as a "professional" to the factory workers around me. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order to be perceived as a ”professional” by others I must constantly be self-confident in what I do.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others to determine how professional they are in comparison to me to determine where I am within the hierarchy that exists in the workplace, and whether or not I have "anything to worry about" in terms of being judged as an "amateur".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of the workers that worked next to me for not being completely certain at all times, and that I accepted and allowed myself to scare myself by thinking that such momentary insecurities could actually carry any real consequences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ”less” for not being certain all the time through the eyes of the workers that worked next to us.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe my own self-judgment by actually believing that the workers next to us saw me this way by accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable in the light of my own self-judgment.  

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I held on to my own insecurity by not immediately asking for assistance when I was uncertain of how to proceed with my job. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that I held on to my own insecurity by wanting to solve complex problems on my own so that I could appear as a "professional" to others - and that I didn't accept and allow myself to realize that this was merely to use an ineffective approach to be able to make myself "more than" by being able to do the job anyway. 

I commit myself to stop and breath when and as I see myself thinking about what others must think of me (when and as I judge myself through the eyes of others) and to realize that I am projecting my own experience onto others and that I am validating my own experience by stating that others are apparently the cause of it. I commit myself to at that moment face my experience with self-honesty and to use common sense to see how I can carry responsibility for it and the situation around me. I commit myself to place "getting the job done" as my top priority and to stop seeking "personal glory" in all ways. I commit myself to stop viewing myself through the eyes of others (to "calculate" my worth) and to stop doing things in a way that will make me appear more "valuable" than I really am (within the realization that this serves no purpose and that it is a manifestation of insecurity in which I believe that I have a "value" defined by such things as status or the respect of others - a view that completely overlooks the fact that I am a physical being that is uninfluenced by things like respect or status). 


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